A Disciple's Thread

[A Disciple]

A re read… you guys do that too? Go back and read your old stuff to remind you?

[A Disciple]

50 cent was my fave out the gate… especially cause of this insanity shit. One time during psychosis it felt like I was walking thru heaven only it was all grey and peoples was walking like zombies holding signs for 100 years of peace. So when his show came out and he chained them all together I fell out laughing cause it took me back to the psychosis and I could laugh about it in a healthy way and it made me feel better.

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Then the album cover “before I self destruct” is how I felt on another psychosis of head burn off day

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DMX implied you straight in lyrics if your head burn off but to be honest I haven’t seen straight in a while

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Bonus track 187… I had a very similar experience too

[Candy]

[A Disciple]

Nobody

I’m so weak I can’t speak
I’m so sick it even has me thinking I might need the hospital a bit
He asked me to turn around 2x and I couldn’t do it
And at that point I really didn’t even care if I blew it
Like I’ll make the choice for you…
Cause I know I need him but I don’t wanna be that bitch
The one who sacrifices her heart and can’t trust her own stitch
They tied me down, pushed me around, did under handing shit to force a submit
I rather die…
That’s why
I walk with my head down now but you think it’s cause I was some type of whore… like wow
And I never took into consideration all the things I couldn’t see
Or how they joke I may be late but always on time
Oh wait… that was C
Lol like O M G that’s so funny
But truth be told ain’t nobody was out here protecting me
And I can’t do this again
And I can’t think of my words for a 2 faced friend
Or I knew they Uncle Sam maybe… damn… son… huh?
Huh baby
Cause that scream was more then a tantrum
Or I’m just some blair witch… fun!!!
And I don’t know what to think
It’s like every time I say a prayer the opposite come true
And the way they all was acting I’m just like I couldn’t do that to you
Maybe if it was my reflection looking back
I’d understand a reason for the attack
I guess it hurts so bad because I thought I was finally anointed
But I will come second to no one and lost him when she just considered him a point… huh?
It feels like the rules different for me then it is for someone else
Like they really don’t understand the handicap behind mental health
So pain brings sorrow and what you think torture sells?
While he was living in cells…
I was out living where reeper dwells
Either way it was still hell

[Wordz AhGod.]

why did your original account get banned? Can't imagine you did anything that bad haha.

[A Disciple]

In my feelings today :0(

[A Disciple]

Lmfao… they said I was trolling but I was out my mind for 5 weeks

[A Disciple]

Go play hero during kiss’ inferno cause… I got my angel now

Dweebs

Doing
What
Everyone
Else
Brings

But then they accuse me of plagerizing cause I write back to songs!!! I can’t call it

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It’s the first thing I thought of… but to be honest when I was writing I felt a slip and went to stable so that was like one of the first time I got thru it so I trusted it. But I definitely didn’t get to stable any other round. My man out… I’m standing back up finally. I didn’t expect we be together but I trust it and I never had any kids to live for… so when in your heart when they say you live or die for something I’m thinking it really just might be for my words (besides my family)

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“You can’t see the devil he see thru”

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I hear them say I’m smart as hell… I’m not smart as hell… I can’t even copy and paste anymore and forgot one of me old friends name and we was mad cool mad long. Like… I’m still in here yeah… but do you know how frustrating it is when it’s hard to think about simple basic shit?

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And I’m not feeling sorry for myself I’m not… I’m to a point and stage that I’m starting to get angry about it now

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I want to be separated from the mentally I’ll people that blow shit up cause that’s not fair either

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But I am to the point that the next person that tries to break fly or crack a joke is getting punched in the face

[A Disciple]

Old Lady Blue

Dear old lady blue
It’s been a while since I talked to you
In the beginning when you started testing me
I didn’t have the courage when you was screaming help to look and see
I know you didn’t think I could make it thru
But I also know you didn’t expect me to turn my back to you
Or maybe you did I don’t know
All these years later how you watch me grow?
The final straw… look at the poor old soul
That’s what you see and say… too bad
And that’s what’s real sad
Well what if it happened to you
Then what would you do
So elite for so long you just swear somebody want it too
Yeah you were at the end of my bed when I was scream crying
But where were you when they were all lying cause like…
It’s hard without both and I always wanted to make God proud
But surprises aren’t allowed
I’m not going to say either direction is easy but I want to lay my head where I fit and belong
But if I call that heaven or hell then I’d be wrong
I’m not scared anymore mam
Did I waste a round of my life and have to do it again
Cause like I never even was the one or the type and never ever betrayed a friend
I thought what you give out is supposed to come back around
And that god is supposed to protect my body - where is he?
Cause they still tapping sick shit but he nowhere to be found
So that’s it… you just going to let them?
Nobody asked me permission, gave me a choice or even explained shit to me
I mean I’m still trying to figure out how I got a rep of being some type of pussy
And like…
I’d say get back in the fields cause you forgot
I’m a die in the trenches with my soldiers cause I don’t be faking what I am when I’m not
Yeah thank you… I really learned a lot
I bet you feel I shouldn’t be such a snot
But maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard if from day one you gave me a fair shot
But nah… you were mad I took too long when you was screaming help in my parking lot
Where were you when I was begging for help…
Exactly
And no help was what I got

But you better then to be testing me? At least I helped you even if it took 10 minutes to work up the courage to look. I was only 16 the first time I met you… time will tell a story and dead up I’m disappointed by your actions and point of view… at least I helped you!

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So I believe that’s our point too…

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An Angel… I call her old lady blue cause when I was 16 there was a lady screaming help in my parking lot and I was scared as fuck to look when I looked she had her foot stuck under neath the back tire of a blue car. So I move the car and she was all mad and sped off…

[A Disciple]

[A Disciple]

This shit deep…

[A Disciple]

Trust

In my license pic… I was wearing a sports bra - I didn’t even wear sports bras to the gym. I know what I wore (not that) but idk how or who or why they did that… and when your walking and worse and begging and screaming for someone to make them stop and they don’t or even worse to have your own father say or think I’m facing my own demons and such. When they tap pretending to be love then hit on sick… and to be honest… that extra passion shit make me sick and feel fake to begin with… I don’t even want it. My bf mad at me and he had some good points and I have to stop defending my ex but tricks need to stop fucking with his head and vision too… between him and my day 2 - I’m in the middle. But cause that prick shit tonight I have to cut ties to day 2 a second because he won’t stop playing games effing with my man and his head - text me in emergency only please

On another note he don’t believe me that not everyone gets a choice and I’m not talking about my ex situation I’m talking in general and want to know why and how mine got taken from me. I can and never will or understand or respect the people who tortured and terrorized me and refused to help or make them stop under any circumstance what so ever! On site… 4 real

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The first time someone called me a bitch like that I cried for 2 hours and he Had to hold my had… this time I started throwing up with nothing coming out… got a lot on my mind right now

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Hand*

[Wordz AhGod.]

I'd say more than just 5 weeks but word.. must've really been wilding out lmao.

[A Disciple]

Can someone get this write back to Jay Z for me? LoL jk but I wish…

[A Disciple]

Nah I wasn’t even there for 5 weeks don’t remember shit but I was crazy for like 2.5 years after

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Maybe more… I’m still touching back down to reality