SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2) OPEN FOR VOTES/Disciple NO SHOW

[Soule]

30 lines
Due Saturday, 11:59PM PT.
Votes Due Monday, 11:59PM PT.

@A Disciple vs @Truth Iscariot

[Spoken]

hi....

[Truth Iscariot]

Check guys good luck

[Truth Iscariot]

Den Of Thieves

Roosters calling, ravens cawing above as we picked cotton and cane
My family had been rich but The Depression found that fortune slain
And now 8 of us toiled as summer sun boiled regality from our name

I long to make my family proud - I’d daydream aloud to father’s dismay
He saw the criminal spark in me from youth. Aiming to teach a different way
But always I remained uninterested in birthing crop from southern Clay
I had seen in the penny magazines so many finer things
Bolt of lightening automobiles and sums of cash unreal
To a poor farmers son
One day I decided I had planted my last seed. I packed my knapsack
And away I run…

Hitchhiking and night riding to my rendezvous with city lights
Chicago seemed a likely destination to deliver me from former life
From Kansas I had managed to find myself in the Windy City empty handed
But I strayed from pity, I pitched my schemes until impact promptly landed…

I made a small gang of 7 young men, each as poor and hungry as me
We struggled together, hustled together, our little patchwork family
Our only decree, loyalty to self and the ultimate goal
To make our fortune, brave and bold, never once did I mention home
Neither did they. We were all in this together yet each of us alone
And the money we made was never enough. Realizing this I started to cuss
Saying “Damn it all brothers, the time has come to add some mettle to this run
Grab your masks and your guns! We hit Chicago First Bank after 1:00”
The boys were ready! Their focus was steady, I led the pack, breathing heavy
Yelling, “EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING GROUND!!!” So close to fortune
Only Fate could stop me now…Blue Steel froze bystanders like Gorgons
We filled our sacks, like hungry Hyenas, us gluttonous orphans
We made haste in our retreat but in our triumph found defeat
Greeted by the entire Chicago PD and although, Guns drawn they yelled, “FREEZE”!
And we froze on the spot, the cops opened fire! Killing me and my lot…

[Spoken]

Ext

[Spoken]

Ive

Become a nuisance
In the purist deformity.
Struck casual cordially
Bring happiness towards thee
The abysmal enslaved,
A festered fiend to a grave.
Mixing the gin and the tonic
With a lethal decay.
Rose for the dead
Now my heart skips to her play.
Looping the memories
But never given chance to allay.
Pardon the slang
It’s griping the visuals fallacy
Challenging the brick and mortar
That darkens the deepest fantasy.
Another sip and the whispers
Begin cascading the follicles.
Standing firm above the brim
With truth now becoming methodical.
Is it possible?
To love yourself more than another
To feel the pain as you wilt
Benign grievance as will
But still it ripens the art in you.
Aren’t you?!
.
.
Left alone as I am in this scenario
Pay homage to the carcass
That lays wasted from Benadryl
Fighting the deepest waters
To feel yourself beyond theraflu.
Kingmaker to thrones
That bold like snow in Ontario
Keeping the coldest heart,
Yet pains catered; norethynodrel
Sleepless nights right next to you.
.
.
My insomnia is the rapture
That taints my wealth.
Depriving me of the greater things
In life that paints itself.
The wishing well that’s run dry
With no more food for thought
As our minds are black markets
Left on shelves to be bought.
This is my testament; willfully
To address this panic
As there are stranger things
Living among the light in the attic.

@Cody Nash

[Emily]

Truth

I made a small gang of 7 young men, each as poor and hungry as me
We struggled together, hustled together, our little patchwork family
Our only decree, loyalty to self and the ultimate goal
To make our fortune, brave and bold, never once did I mention home

The boys were ready! Their focus was steady, I led the pack, breathing heavy
Yelling, “EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING GROUND!!!”

Truth, you've got great story telling skills. I forget I'm reading.
You hold the interest of the reader which is no easy feat.
Some favourite quotes above fell so well.
The topic was covered nicely, the atmosphere was thick and the storyline cool.
The flow was clean/obvious/rhythmic/pure and probably because of that I felt
a hic up with what felt like a lil crowding/mouthful on the sentence below …

I long to make my family proud - I’d daydream aloud to father’s dismay
He saw the criminal spark in me from youth. Aiming to teach a different way

I would have left out 'from youth but that's just me and definitely no biggie.

Impressive writing here Truth.

Greeted by the entire Chicago PD and although, Guns drawn they yelled, “FREEZE”!
And we froze on the spot, the cops opened fire! Killing me and my lot…

I gotta tell you, you did great to paint that period of time.
Vivid imagery had me seeing this like a movie.
And even though I like how you landed at the end, I felt your outro could have held a bigger punch.
It's not that I wanted something unexpected, I got where it needed to go and I liked it,
but ... idk, I didn't feel it as strong as the rest. It was clean wording, good wording,
but I guess I wanted a bigger impact. I wanted to feel more at the end.
Something spectacular happens when the outro walks out with the reader.
This was really good writing, a testament to the writer you are and a pleasure to read.


Spoken

Ive

Become a nuisance

The abysmal enslaved,
A festered fiend to a grave.
Mixing the gin and the tonic
With a lethal decay.
Rose for the dead
Now my heart skips to her play.
Looping the memories

With truth now becoming methodical.
Is it possible?
To love yourself more than another
To feel the pain as you wilt
Benign grievance as will
But still it ripens the art in you.
Aren’t you?!

Sleepless nights right next to you.
.
.
My insomnia is the rapture
That taints my wealth.

This is my testament; willfully
To address this panic
As there are stranger things
Living among the light in the attic.

Powerfully poetic. The meter has me melting in places, the pace ... really nice.
The air it carries brings imagery to life and I'm seeing a vase with two roses literally dying to survive ...roses mixing with drinks
and funerals whilst thinking of their own demise - roses respecting the dead - roses and ... 'Sleepless night right next to you'
is stunning. The more I read the more I see. It's painting pictures that speak and come alive.
You drew the topic with many colours and spun tales of misty-eyed petals,
dirt under fingernails, and Aunt Edna in a coffin with too much make up.
Dust particles waltz in the air with shatters of light, and I could go on but I won't. What does this have to
do with your piece? Probably nothing, but thats the beauty of writing, you brought animated images into my mind.
But the wording...ohhh the wording ... just beautiful.

I think I love this.


Great writing fellas, close match so comes down to personal preference for me.
I liked both heaps. Loved the story telling and speed in Truth's work and loved the imagery and essence of Spoken's piece.

Pleasure to read,
Thank you





V - Spoken

[Spoken]

Tha k you for that vote respectfully... @Cody Nash @Phalanx @Fresh @Enoch @montauk @143 if yall could give the last SS battle a view or two and vote

[Nohbody]

Truth,
The story wasnt super imaginative, but the narration was good. You came out the gate strong.

Roosters calling, ravens cawing above as we picked cotton and cane
My family had been rich but The Depression found that fortune slain
And now 8 of us toiled as summer sun boiled regality from our name

I long to make my family proud - I’d daydream aloud to father’s dismay
He saw the criminal spark in me from youth. Aiming to teach a different way

this is fire man. good internals, a little bit of foreshadowing etc...

Problems start arising with your verse in the final section really. The last section didnt carry the same weight and creative wording as the first half did. The story never deteriorated, but it seemed like you rushed to get the story from point a to point b and lost the same consistency as when you started so it felt a little flat by the end.


Spoken,
At first glance, i thought this was going to be more flash than substance but im glad to report that was not the case. it had a heavy poetic tone to it, both in structure and wording. The concept really started to reveal itself around the middle section and the last part drove it all home. The pacing is nice. I like how the first section was just a bit of the characters disarrayed thoughts and sprinkled throughout is hints of the substance abuse used to overcome their battle with insomnia. Like Truth's approach, there was no real twists or anything the story did that was overly creative or anything, but you definitely hit more on the consistency side. The pace and flow was maintained throughout, your wording was clever and stayed balanced throughout ... overall, this verse had more polish and refinement.

Good battle,

Truth, in the future i would suggest to start strong like you did, but maintain that level of intensity from start to finish. I liked your story telling skills, i felt you just got a bit lazy with the wording and it lost a little bit of its luster by the closing arc

vote- Spoken

[Spoken]

Thank you @Nohbody

[Cody Nash]

I did a video vote/breakdown and I officially vote for Truth Iscariot

Read both pieces out loud and gave a live reaction

[Slayerr.]

Truth - flow was fantastic throughout this and I thought you used your rhyme scheme supurbly when building up the bank robbery to increase the tempo for the reader to then drop it back down again. Really simulated adrenaline then an adrenaline dump. That was the standout part of your drop for me. Story was easy to follow and I liked the “in it together but alone” line i wish you’d had thrown in a few more poetic or philosophical lines though. Good drop

Spoken - I felt this was a little choppier than your other drops however by far the most impressive deep/poetic lines so I’m not mad, I’m always a sucker for those so forgive the flow.
Love yourself more than another line was nice as was this;
My insomnia is the rapture
That taints my wealth.
Depriving me of the greater things
In life that paints itself.


Overall good battle here truth had a good story and flowed well, started stronger than it ended whereas spoken had a more poetic drop. Usually I’d favour the one with more thought provoking lines however I got a little lost with the direction of the concept for spoken so based on that imma go with truth in what was a very close battle

V/truth