back-burner

[Jukon]

In the back I sit,
quiet and calm.
because this is what
I've grown to know.
my home; back-burner
population: 1
I get all the backlash,
the anger.
you leave me to rust,
collecting screams
and dust.
the echoes of mistrust
bounce off of me
and into this rut.
that you've sealed me into,
it can't be undone.

I could begin to melt away,
from the fire of your tongue.
and even if I left today,
your life would have just begun.

so here I sit
in the cold all alone...

...on the back-burner.

[Manc Sinatra]

Strangely I feel a repetition in my feedback from the last poem I read here. I think the piece is nice, and I love the narrative/progression and imagery you use. Technique-wise for me there are some weird pauses in the rhythm/flow of the piece in the first stanza. My mind actually rails against the pauses you've placed there, making it an awkward read for me. An example being "because this is what/I've grown to know" to me that reads so much nicer as a single line. I'm not sure if the breaks are from a visual/presentation angle? It's a great piece still, I'm a little nitpicky about rhythm to be honest. For me though a little rearranging in structure and this leaps up in my estimation. If it read as follows, I'd probably give this a 4.5 or 5/5 rating which is very rare from me.

In the back I sit,
quiet and calm.
because this is what I've grown to know.
my home; back-burner
population: 1
I get all the backlash,
the anger.
you leave me to rust,
collecting screams and dust.
the echoes of mistrust
bounce off of me and into this rut.
that you've sealed me into,
it can't be undone.

I could begin to melt away,
from the fire of your tongue.
and even if I left today,
your life would have just begun.

so here I sit
in the cold all alone...

...on the back-burner.

It's probably just me but often the break mid-statement loses impact in delivery, especially if you read it aloud (as I do with all poetry, rap, spoken word etc.) Dope work though man, sorry if you disagree with my evaluation, I just have to call it how I see it.

- - - Updated - - -

Strangely I feel a repetition in my feedback from the last poem I read here. I think the piece is nice, and I love the narrative/progression and imagery you use. Technique-wise for me there are some weird pauses in the rhythm/flow of the piece in the first stanza. My mind actually rails against the pauses you've placed there, making it an awkward read for me. An example being "because this is what/I've grown to know" to me that reads so much nicer as a single line. I'm not sure if the breaks are from a visual/presentation angle? It's a great piece still, I'm a little nitpicky about rhythm to be honest. For me though a little rearranging in structure and this leaps up in my estimation. If it read as follows, I'd probably give this a 4.5 or 5/5 rating which is very rare from me.

In the back I sit,
quiet and calm.
because this is what I've grown to know.
my home; back-burner
population: 1
I get all the backlash,
the anger.
you leave me to rust,
collecting screams and dust.
the echoes of mistrust
bounce off of me and into this rut.
that you've sealed me into,
it can't be undone.

I could begin to melt away,
from the fire of your tongue.
and even if I left today,
your life would have just begun.

so here I sit
in the cold all alone...

...on the back-burner.

It's probably just me but often the break mid-statement loses impact in delivery, especially if you read it aloud (as I do with all poetry, rap, spoken word etc.) Dope work though man, sorry if you disagree with my evaluation, I just have to call it how I see it.

[Emily]

In the back I sit,
quiet and calm.
because this is what
I've grown to know.
my home; back-burner
population: 1

I like your intro Jukon. Poetry relies on imagery and mood; I don't think you've held back with your intro.
I'm not entirely sure about the structure tbh, the fragmented lines stifle the delivery (the way I speak it) at times.

I get all the backlash, But more here. I find the transition from the line above this one, to this one, a tad abrupt.
I get all the backlash, sounds very, umm, maybe a bit too straight forward for me.
I don't know. You know what I'm trying to say right? Well, I hope you do.
It's the poetry that's missing from that line imo. A poetic essence. Instead there's too much reality and
I'm not floating Juke lol, I'm not bloody floating with that line. In fact, it weighs me down a bit.
I must be the only person I know who writes a paragraph about six syllables. I gotta get a life.
the anger. This is a bit plain jane for me. I get all the backlash, the anger, is just a little on the plain side,
I think.
you leave me to rust,Here we go though, this is more like it. Here's that vibe I long for when reading poetry.
Pain - said in ways not many, mirror, but you do. You do.
collecting screams
and dust. Lovely. collecting screams and dust, is wonderful.
the echoes of mistrust I like the way you've said this, using the word 'echoes', even if I'm not big on the whole meaning of the sentence. I don't like what you're saying much, but I like the way you've said it.
Ohhh shhhhhhh, I can say whatever I want, however I want. Stop bitching lol.
bounce off of me ...the echoes of mistrust, bounce off me.....together with this line,
I hate to say I like it, but...ugh, maybe I do.
and into this rut.
that you've sealed me into, It's sometimes not that easy feeding your work Jukon, because it feels so personal,
and even though that's exactly what I'm looking for, it still doesn't make it easy at times.
I don't know about these two lines. '...and into this rut.Why is there a full stop there?
Because the line after it '...that you've sealed me into...is a continuation of the line before.
Maybe it's just a mistake.You can count on me to bring it up : )
it can't be undone. I do however, love this line. This line stands alone, proud.
I wish you had a capital there though. Enough of my nitty picky bs over caps and full stops. Sorry Juke.

I could begin to melt away,
from the fire of your tongue. These two lines are lush. I really like the way they fall naturally,
and the artistic nature behind them.
I like the acid spill, the image they provoke, the way you've written them.
and even if I left today,
your life would have just begun. That's harsh. Not harsh sounding. Just harsh.

so here I sit
in the cold all alone...I would have liked maybe a synonym for cold. Cold is ...meh' a tad cold, sterile,
dated and used. Listen to my logic will ya? lol
But it's an outro Jukon, and I love swaying all the way out. These two lines have me walking out.
Just, you know, a normal walk though, without a strut, or a slight rock to and fro lol.

...on the back-burner. I like this last line. Left of centre. I wish you hadn't named the piece back burner though.
Something special about a piece that has no reference to the title in it.
As opposed to an obvious reference. But these are just my quirks, as is all of this feed lol, obviously.
I'm no Queen of Sheba. All I know is what I like, and what I don't,
and when I stick to that, I don't lose my way.

I think you did well with this. You've got the emotion, that's evident imo. You've got imagery.
And the delivery (pace/tone) isn't obviously overwhelming, it's nice in a sedated way,
and kind of exhibits the wording, so that's uniform, for me.
There's just some hard sounding lines that I wasn't big on, and some transitional issues from line to line.
For me,those things brought this piece out of a movie I was watching in my head,
and put me into Mrs Mags kitchen, and she's a ball breaker. Nag nag nag. Some lines were too real for me. But....maybe that's just me.
Like I said, I don't know jack, except what I like, and what I don't, and I've never held back with that.

This was a nice undressing of emotions. A nice strip of sentiment. And I'm all for.....that stuff.
Love it when you lay it all out for the world to see Jukon.
You're never fake. Ever.
It's great.


This was cool.
Thank you : )