i imagine the bravery
they say i have
is a quarter sized hole
at the very
bottom of my stomach.
you believe in miracles right?
then you too know
that delusion is delicious.
that's how you get them-
the holes.
i swallowed lies.
you're aching like me-
the fog you breathe
smells like defeat.
but in my case, it's different.
i can't be hurt
by what killed me once before.
I'm opened up and empty
like a cave.
but if i write this-
then it's true. And here I am;
dying in good faith. not because
she said she thought
i was stronger. but because
i don't know how much longer
i can keep dying.
today, i drove through mountains for hours
and hours.
my stomach holes filled
with snow and altitude.
i wanted to exhale the emptiness-
i wanted to be alright.
not so much great, or strong,
but at least fucking alright.
the small town dreams below
made me question
the drive.
I stopped at a burger king
and threw up clouds into the bathroom sink-
trying
to make heaven happen.
it didn't so i left.
There are things that no one knows about me
like my favorite dinosaur.
There are things that only those
who read my poetry know;
it's the Velociraptor.
i bet you have secrets
and holes in your stomach too.
you got em' because you don't want to hurt anyone.
you just want to be alright.
but alright ain't easy,
and bravery is just the emptiness
you've carried well.
i ask myself why i choose to swallow lies.
i blink and think it over,
and i can't explain myself.
i couldn't love because i wasn't.
i couldn't loved because i was too much.
i couldn't love because i wanted more.
i couldn't love because i couldn't kiss it.
i couldn't love because i am gloriously selfish.
all of these are valid but none of them are true.
the only thing i can be sure of
is that one day,
im going to stop dying.
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