http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html
Rules and Regulations. Drop by Saturday, Vote by Monday.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html
Rules and Regulations. Drop by Saturday, Vote by Monday.
checking in
Last edited by PabloCuesta; November 8th, 2010 at 09:41 PM
No.
Dreaming Of The Nights Sky
I'm trapped in silence tryna sort out the lies that I'm in
crime is on the highest terrace and I feel like I'm steady climbin'
rejectin' the time it takes to get this slice of pie, I recline and...
fall back, I call rap my security, so what it protects is this diamond
shinin' atop the sky it's blindin', as I proceed to reach the climates
that some may deny and...I hear whispers from the galaxies silence
it's echoing, it's calling, and it feels like all my well wishes is falling
so I'm evolving, to a metorite, if the media's right societies crawling
and we still tryna hit maturity, between bloodbaths and impurity
surely we became mixed in this melting pot, looking for fewer things
such as cash to make us happy, love to make us feel this is reality
all the questions is answered in family, television creates our anatomy
and maybe I'm just the black sheep, last week they tried to ban me
sadly I started to feel like my mothers sister, I feel awkward and anti..
cuz I don't want to relate to this, they scam me for all I had....see
they tell us to buy this for higher standings, and that injured me badly
cuz I never knew what it was about the television set that grabbed me
either way I'm in the clouds now, as my star is falling to doubt now
if I ever fell no one would've found out, too irregular to just sound out
so I stayed a little higher then expectation, and all I'm ever left with is hatred
wondering about my own destruction, a Mayan I set my date as a ancient
disguised it in the scrutiny, truthfully all I could picture was you and me
through a dream, walking through a milky way as you sat and reviewed the stream
I did my duty clean, sweeping you past the stars but it's a rude awakening
cuz all I ever seen was from the ground, and through this new vacant lens...
knowing I got a talent you can't comprehend, and that's where the storybook ends
we remain friends, but I perish at the sight of your eyes becoming a teary blend
of sorrow, so tomorrow, I raise a glass to your pain, and all I ask is the same
take the past as a gain, learn from it before you every try to grasp it a-gain
the stars are out, they glitter of a brighter future, before I try to lose ya
I try to seduce ya, not in a sexual manner, but with the lines of fuschia
as the sun rises, and all becomes silent, the partiers, pass out or become blinded
you'll see tomorrow isn't so bad, it all just depends on the other one's timing
Last edited by QwarterZ; November 6th, 2010 at 10:19 PM
Another One About Relationships?
He sits there with no other emotion but anticipation, Nothing else is on his mind this is taking full concentration
He's been contemplating, he started to hate his own fear, he wants to do it, so why is his decision unclear?
Maybe today's the day that he'll finally act on what he's been planning on for months in past
No going back, he will react, to what he think this relationship lacks, He's for certain this is what what they need to complete those "tracks"
But now he's sitting on that curb, not even thinking of any other words, he wont even ponder on retreat, this time its for sure
He's waiting for that one girl to come out, he's deeply in in love with this girl and in his mind there isn't any doubt
He wishes she feels the same way to, he fiends for her "i love you", he's ganna take their relationship further, that's what he wants to do
It's like every time she said "we're through", he'd would purposely misconstrue, make himself believe its untrue so he could have the chance to renew
She works across the street that he's sitting at, she's a psychiatrist and gets paid to sit and chat
He would do or pay anything just for a conversation, too bad he's dead broke, and at completing tasks he's far from amazing
He practiced in front of mirrors to get this moment perfected, all he could ever hope for now it that he doesn't get rejected
He's known this girl for over more than 20 years, the reason isn't quite clear, but i think he couldn't ask due to the fear
I guess he built the courage and knocked down being scared, it could be one of the worst feelings cuz sometimes it can never be shared
But never mind that, here she comes out the front door, he checked his watch, "Right On Time" he said while getting up from the floor
She rumbled through her purse looking for the keys to her car, he started walking towards her, but he cant get to close or too far
He's starting to get nervous but that's something he has to fight, he cant get into her line of sight until the times just right...
Alright, i think that time could be about this minute, hopefully this doesn't become something he wish he didn't...
DO, he tapped her on the shoulder "excuse me miss do you have a second or two"
She turned around and was so pleased to see, her boyfriend bent down on one knee, with a ring out, she couldn't believe, he was asking this, she would of never conceived
She Smiled, As He Asked Will You Marry Me Please?...
WILL YOU MARRY ME?...
No.
hm... pablo -- first off.. never ever is there something called Would Of in the english language. would have. anyways, pablo, you wrote a piece about a man asking for his womans hand in marriage, and stunningly accurate it was, although you delivered your ideas rather blandly without a great and complex scheme, the images were poignant and true... i thought tracks was a clever word choice in the earlier parts of the piece. hm, the progression of the piece was sort of normal, not convuloted, but not thrilling or overtly entertaining. decent piece, not that bad, although it did get really drawn out and not incredibly interesting, although some images really hit as reality because you portrayed reality so literally.
q - honestly i felt you were rambling and it was hard for me to get through this piece because it didnt seem to be going aywhere... although towards the ending i got the picture of being a party and everything prior being a description of the party, but i couldnt really place any specifics because it sort of went all over the place.. flow was decent although it was pretty stretched in some places. overall, id say the failure to keep my interest because of the randomness of the beginning was your downfall in the battle
v- pablo.
Q: got to agree with soul, this was just a bit rough to get through, felt as though you were just spewing cliche struggle type stuff off the top of your head, without direction. you and some stretched lines here and there, coupled to how your ending rhyme was simplistic, it just became a redundant sounding read in my head....dun dun dun dun dun dun honey...dun dun dun dun dun dun money. ultimately as far as your content it took you forever to really reach any decided direction and that is never good, i think you should have a clear indication in your mind where you want to take an idea and how to evolve it from its simplest form. next week decide what you wanna write about, how you want to relate it, and then work from there
Pablo: you have some stretched lines too, and sometimes i feel like the sentence structure doesnt quite read right, make sure after you write something to read it aloud and get a feel for how it sounds and then decide whether or not its appropriately worded. i think you did a fine job with conveying a proposal, which i feel actually isnt a subject ive seen touched upon often. i also felt that you were more focused in what you were writing about, you knew what the goal of the piece was and you wrote for it. and that is what gets you the win here
overall: Pablo just had a more focused piece, though he needs to work on his mechanics a bit, he was able to edge this with the clarity in how he related his topic
v. Pablo
Q - let me start with something right off the bat..
The first line is around 21 sylables long, and the second line is around 22..this is your classical definition of 'stretching' a verses lines...everyone makes the mistake I know I have before..I just honestly think you need to condense, condense, condense. You have the rough outlines of what would be actually a REALLY good verse, but you are tinkering around, testing the water, you don't really get into anything of a solid value which you COULD and CAN. I can tell. Also, since your lines are very long, this causes more confusion to the audience..I would like to see you cut your lines in HALF. That would require coming with around 12-14 sylables per line, instead of YOUR 21-22, and this would probably fix your problem. Since you would need to jam more quality content into a shorter lines you would be forced to come out of your shell. Again, I could reiterate more of what was already posted by others but, In conclusion, I think you have Potential. Side note - I found your rhyming couplets to be unique & fluent.the stars are out, they glitter of a brighter future, before I try to lose ya
I try to seduce ya, not in a sexual manner, but with the lines of fuschia
Pablo - You finally stopped writing in Caps, today is a big Day Lmao! Alright so you are I guess in the same boat as Q. You are a BIT farther along though on the road to quality writing I suppose. Your story had more context and content with a linear pattern BUT, it was still stretched to hell and back. It's Time to start writing 12-14 sylables and shortening your lines, I wanna see you improve. The rhyming was also too simple. I see you started using a BIT of multi sylable rhyming and I remembered mentioning that before..I like to see progress..this was a good start. But, Take it somewhere man. So you propose to a girl, that story has been told you know? How about you two were perfect strangers until you knocked her out put her into your trunk and she woke up with your dead wives wedding dress on? Mix shit up Iuno fuck, you on the right path my man..
My V/Pablo, his verse edged it this week..
Qwart - I felt lines were really stretched and it just really annoyed me as i read through making it hard to focus on the content. I did like what you were writing about, but i felt it could have been presented 10x better. You gave a strong message after all, but it just didn't really stand out like that.
Pablo - I don't think i've ever seen a piece describing a proposal like that. You came with an original topic that left me interested. I was hoping for some sort of twist to it, but i can def see potential in your writing and handling many different topics. A lot of the lines were stretched and you should consider shortening them and it'll improve the flow of the read.
v/Pablo
Pablo-Concept was original, pretty fresh.
Some bars were a little stretched and hard to flow.
Story did get a little boring with no big surprises or twists.
Everything else was okay.
Vocab was a little on the short side, but okay.
Overall, cool verse, just need to work a little to perfect.
Qwart-Weren't really going anywhere with this concept imo.
Some lines were nice though.
Stretched lines though, not all of them.shinin' atop the sky it's blindin', as I proceed to reach the climates
that some may deny and...I hear whispers from the galaxies silence
Vocab was good.
Wording was a little off in spots.
But again, story was a little meh for me.
Kinda just goin everywhere with it...
V/Pab-low Questta.
Trapped within the lights of the city..
Where it looks full of life but inside it's all empty..
And from outside it's all tempting..
What..it's all lies upon entry..
:noor:
[YOUTUBE]uGEHlYk4M5c[/YOUTUBE]
quar. well first the lines were very long. and the sylablle count is woah. content is iight. but the stretch messed up ur flow for me. i think that if u would of thought about ur piece it woulda been alot better. it was just all around okay. nothing really good nothing really bad.
pablo. well first u had long lines too and ur structure was a mess. the flow was thrown off by that. but ur content was original, it was pretty good. looks like ur still kinda in that poetry state but ur getting bacc in the swing of topicals...keep writing
\\// petey pablo for better content.
~WV~
~IP~
petey pablo gets the k.o.
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