http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html
Rules and Regulations. Drop by Saturday, Vote by Monday.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html
Rules and Regulations. Drop by Saturday, Vote by Monday.
Last edited by _Lyrics; November 9th, 2010 at 02:32 PM
GreaterDesignGrowers.com
Im not a rapper, im a gardener
Another day in paradise, best of luck
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...339/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...335/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...344/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...336/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...347/index.html
Last edited by Malice; November 9th, 2010 at 03:36 AM
Could use an extension, stuck at work til midnight
The walls and boundaries - they hold a sliding scale
when lighting fails, find your guidance within the rising braille
Day 1
The darkness waged its war inside the Fields of Iris
when the blinking tried to fight it - it broke down his shield like eyelids
he'd survive its onslaught, to rummage through the wreckage
his fingers restless - palming the stones that marked its edges
he'd mapped the perimeter, and all that in between
his measuring made in steps counted out like "1...2...3..."
he'd made the most of it - time and his allotted minutes
but when he finished, he'd found no exit to these deadly limits
Day 31
His reality was a bit hard to catch - eluding his grasp
with time consuming - his acts conceded in repetitive tact
active in crass - unrewarding type tasks
like asking the same question - a million times and a half
such as how long had his imprisonment lasted
or why these four-hundred and eighty-six bricks held him captive
or how about the piercing silence - that seemed something more
something that grew from a whisper - into a roar
its persistence loomed, its echo easing fear into the room
in hopes it ended soon, he endured this solemn, eerie tune...
"When life comes knocking, you should answer the call- -sket-
"When life comes knocking, you should answer the call- -sket-
"When life comes knocking, you should answer the call-" -sket-
and remove the needle, before life begins spinning - out of control
and you're found on the floor in comatose from a heroin trip
to the soundtrack of your own addiction - played through the record's skip
Last edited by Malice; November 8th, 2010 at 03:42 AM
Death ray
"But it is not an experiment.... I have built, demonstrated and used it. Only a little time will pass before I can give it to the world."-(hip-hop)-Nikola Tesla
I know my speakers... through the static inside
a cold reciever.. going deeper in this facet of lies
this madness is blind, counting what hasn't declined
a secret message and great depression that's passing the time
mapping designs, when his dad was alive, uplifting insentives
only strong last, told him combat's just building defences
electrical systems, riddled depictions spoil his summit
coils and currents.. connected within it, noises erupting
choices aren't coming, with friction's creating a charge
the risks that he's taking, for this senseless debating to stop
or resting, laying in chalk.. metamorphic, though enchanting
a world that waits for it's early age of technological advancement
never hit a problem but commands it.. dudes building with letters
lazers that are straight ill, euclidean vectors..
simply it whithers, but he wont make meals of his cheddar..
bits of particles, building molecules from chameleon centers...
what's relayed and what's teached, scraping his fees
to have his payback, weightless and racing with speed
when he wakes from his sleep, what he takes, from his dreams
it's the ethereal, magnetic fields and pulsing beams
early 1943, all he sees, is hurt and anguish
every person, worked and stationed, are perturbations
worthless faces, certain wavelengths, loudly breath
he times it back like a bat, using his sound to see
surrounding rings of concentration and underating
of the nothings waiting, between our undulation..
running, chasing this potent ray gun, on his own occasion
now that the knowledge cultivated was a grown creation..
moments shaping, his designs rationed by lasting effort
rhymes pass through high vaccuums and static pressures
the blast is slender, when he charge the weapon to be
a force for the better of peace, causing wars irrelevancy..
http://www.crystalinks.com/tesladeathraytower.jpg
GreaterDesignGrowers.com
Im not a rapper, im a gardener
gonna put a few edits on my ish, im assuming you wont mind seeing as there is no votes, i just noticed i had a few errors with missing words/spelling issues, ill save the original in case you say no
Last edited by Malice; November 8th, 2010 at 03:40 AM
Malice: I enjoyed your piece the most it was the most interesting and it didnt go on and on it wasnt too long or too short. I like your topic and where you went with it, your flow was good to, it almost seemed flawless... great job.
Boberric: Your, im not going to lie, was a little boring i struggled reading it, it was good at first but the quote gave your topic away and i was just like -_-, it was a good piece none the less, great flow but lacked emotion...
In conclusion i feel as if Malice won this battle due to a better topic, more enjoyable piece, better flow, better emotion, and an overall better piece.
v.Malice
No.
Malice:Good flow, easy to read.
Smooth.
Vocab was so-so in my opinion.
Multies were cool and fit well, not too forced.
Concept was okay.
Cool piece overall, not spectacular, but cool.
Bob:Flow was a little choppy in some places but excelled in others..
Vocab was good, I liked the level.
Story was cool, kept me, for the most part, interested throughout.
Multies were there for sure, went smoothly.
Cool piece, an enjoyable read.
Close close battle, guys...
I enjoyed both of these..
I'm gonna have to give my vote to Boberric.
Good battle.
Trapped within the lights of the city..
Where it looks full of life but inside it's all empty..
And from outside it's all tempting..
What..it's all lies upon entry..
:noor:
[YOUTUBE]uGEHlYk4M5c[/YOUTUBE]
...
Alice; I think you wrote this with the intention of moving around the topic itself for the first two verses and 'unveiling' it - so to speak - with your little denoument at the end...not quite a conceit, or what I would call even a twist, what it does is clarifies some of the earlier content that otherwise came off as airy pseudo-poetic rambles...
...on a second read, there are some parts which have added weight, like rummage through the wreckage, iris/eyelids...counting out the steps (of consuming the drug I guess) -- those were cool, as was the soundtrack vibe at the end.
Technically this is a bit shaky, & conceptually I can't say I'm impressed, but it wasn't a bad idea. it's funny, even though it's a pretty short piece, I still found it scarce in content, with a lot of the lines lacking graivtas
a kinda lacklustre effort.
Bobby; this was weird. I'm loosely familiar with the great mind of Tesla, & the tunguska event...1943 is the Manhattan project, and the lines therein are kinda explaining that...so these mentions;
rhymes pass through high vaccuums and static pressuresof music I couldnt connect the dots, and I'm trying here...I know my speakers... through the static inside
...the last line kinda resonates with what tesla said bout the death ray being strictly defensive (hence, peace ray) not offensive, as this line;
echoes the strategic defence initiative...so dudes pops is a military!?only strong last, told him combat's just building defences
and thats another problem, the movement in perspective isn't v.coherent or easy to follow between the two verses, most it seems more like observational commentary rather than shits on a narrative
so the concept Ive tried pretty hard to vibe with but it hasnt clicked, Im jaded as fuck though so if I missed sutan easy lemme know -- rhyme schemes; you run them nicely, much better than your opponent, the mutli switches are a bit iffy and one or two lines give the flow a bump, but overall can't hate on the technical composition
I just wish your concept was a little clearer for me, I'm not a dumb dude and I got a pretty reasonable knowledge base and open mind, but this was too confused for me, not obscure, just unclear.
...now I'm through both verse twice, I fucking hated this battle.
v/Malice, the lesser of two evils.
Catch me at the range; practicing my aim,
Gat you in your brain, shame...
They thought I was backpacks.
Slept,
didn't know that he kept inside the knapsack.
ah...concept vs story here...
malice- maybe I'm partial to the self-exploratory type pieces, but I really liked this piece, its my 3rd fave this week (after soulstice and black's) I just felt the emotion in this verse was very authentic, as was the imagery....what you did here was sort of paint a picture stroke by stroke instead of all at once.
^so subtle....but I can make an inference here and say that the subject counted these bricks every day of his imprisonment....your piece reminds me of mine a little in that I totally believed you were writing about one topic (being in prison), and then you twisted it into something else (heroin addiction). My only criticism in this piece is the transition, it could have been a little smoother if you had taken more time with the 2nd half.or why these four-hundred and eighty-six bricks held him captive
bob- decent verse...I wasn't really drawn in though and I think that's because the imagery was a little shaky, if it wasn't for the picture, I wouldn't have known exactly what your subject looked like. The flow was decent, topic was creative, emotion was eh, and the ending was solid. Not a bad verse, I just didn't connect with it.
vote- Malice, for a more intriguing verse.
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"Are you playing with yourself?" "Who said I'm playing, I'm being serious!"
Malice: Alrighty...this was a decent verse. I liked the metaphorical representation of drug addiction in the package of a dark imprisonment...I just felt like the topic is beyond played. However, it was an open topic week...which is hard as hell, especially when you've been writing for 8 weeks straight, lol. But anyways...i think that you did a decent job of representing the emotional struggle with addiction via the subtle visual imagery...
I have to be honest though, I thought your rhyme schemes were just kind of ho-hum and mundane...and had there been some really provocative or ground breaking imagery or knowledge dropped in your verse, I could forgive it...but it was just kind of a mediocre verse all around. And perhaps I shouldn't say "mediocre"...cause that isn't really a fair representation. It was definitely a solid verse...it was just very safe and felt as if you were in "default" mode instead of "creative" mode. Does that make sense? If not, I apologize. It's the best I can do at the moment, lol.
Bob: I thought that you really brought an "outside of the box" concept this week....pardon the cliche's. I thought that there was a lot of solid knowledge and background information to support the metaphorical representation of the invention of the death ray/laser and the duality of it's use and the struggle with the power of that duality. I thought that you did a good job of conveying/representing what it's like to be at the beginning stage of developing your musical craft....and what it's like to be constantly told/warned of it's ills...especially when comparing it to Tesla's invention...it seems as though there is some confusion about the correlation between hip hop and the metaphor, but I thought it was pretty clear.
As far as rhyme schemes and wording goes, I think that your schemes were a little better than Mal's but I think that his wording was a bit more thoughtful. Not that it's a huge point of contention, but your verse had a crazy amount of spelling errors...that did get on my nerves a bit. But the cadence of your verse, especially the first verse, was super strong and hit really hard and fast paced.
Both of you brought good, solid verses this week. Unfortunately, i feel like Malice had a played concept and although he did have a few cool moments of imagery and metaphors....his safe rhyme schemes in combination with the safe topic weren't enough to beat Bob's metaphorical craftiness and creativity, coupled with his solid, fast paced rhyme schemes. Nice battle guys, I can see how this is a close one...but for me, Bob get's the vote.
[YOUTUBE]2oVgq-QrwRM[/YOUTUBE]
malice. it was original. i like it it was a good topic. the length was short good but i feel if u expanded on it just a lil bit more it would have bumped up the piece a thousand time more. it was still dope imagery was amazing. emotion was dope sauce. it was a really good piece well written and all..
bob. i really like urs the vocab was a bit stronger. u had a better flow and u were very creative a lil more so than malice. the multis were also great. everything else was the same as malice. u beat him in a few catagories but it was a really close battle it was nice doe.
\\// bob for better style and written a bit better and being more crative
~WV~
~IP~
Malice's flow was safe. His idea was okay. I wasn't too into it because I thought maybe there should have been more to it? I dunno. I felt like things were incorporated into the drop randomly without anything stand-out leading up to it.. like the record skip/tune shit.. it just seemed random to me. Not as much creative and essential to the drop itself.. Like more stuff should've been said before that part, to prepare us for that part and make it more creative... I enjoyed the drop in some aspects, but not in that particular one.
Bob on the other hand had a decent concept... his flow wasn't as polished at times, got kind've rigid in spots - though it was fast paced... his idea felt more intricate as far as execution, I liked the direction he took. I think some things could've been said differently? But other than that I was entertained and could call it a dope/complete piece when I was finished.. cool concept...
all in all... it was a decent one. both can do better.. but I'm not one to talk lately there, we're all in a bit of writers block or even slightly rushed for time recently.
vote Bob
Bobericc Wins.
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