"Untiled"

[Twixn...]

"Untiled"

a fire inside loosens by self indulged design
the grape vine strung along steadily gripping time...
an acid dripping crime to prickle away this souls shell
revealing that... its wholeness is hell
now what could sell?
... a man's morals chopped down?
while anothers falsely risen? to grab an ash crown.
setting fire to his family's daughters gowns
i've heard their screams that make no sound.
bounding echo's off the rip tide in a precarious fashion
following this intoxicating delirious passion
lack of sincere action...
Hug's not existent among this faction.
they ration out terror in hopes to find it.
stumble around in the rubble n smoke blinded
steadily crumbling hope in its red white and blue palm
while inside the innocent pray for the eye of the storm's calm
Sly Belligerent militants prepare for another days work
while the revolver spins and lands in transit with hurt
picking up new heads for bullets to plant in.
terrorists with bare fist demanding...
and if responded to.. chaos unfolds
settling in the shattering cold
known to those who's souls are sold
so is it bold?
does it reek of bravery?
or does the television seek slavery?

Girl at age five...
even for kindergarten a small size
bagdhad grown... she saw beyond the lies
even in her tender time, she pieced it together
feather woven... both sides propaganda clouds weathered
wounds to country's tediously licked better...
through screens "unneeded" she always said
although heeded to the comments her mother bled
"take the bus stay safe from bombings"
wondering... "our neighborhood is safe"
and the bus forever became boring.
no idea that her flesh would sever n split, blood pouring

leaving school she walked home... tore fate from the hinges
deceiving thinking of "we need to win this"
turned this girls world into dwindles
splinters of memory's shes been through
lost on the ash covered winds without a clue
who would of knew?
she caught a bomb fragment to the thigh
in the chaos and cries she bled to death
parents shed a thousand tears of regret
look into dead set eyes of an once aging girl
and tell us if it's really worth changing this world

[Twixn...]

links in a sec.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...17#post5472417

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...10#post5473010

[Floyd Powell]

this one stayed on track... real dope
not that i didnt like it all... but this was my favorite

-----------------
a fire inside loosens by self indulged design
the grape vine strung along steadily gripping time...
an acid dripping crime to prickle away this souls shell
revealing that... its wholeness is hell
now what could sell?
... a man's morals chopped down?
while anothers falsely risen? to grab an ash crown.
------------------

ill check out more... if i see you again
peace... and keep comin' with that dope shit

[Cody Yates]

this was ok though I didn't understand it that much, but it was still good!
I liked it 8/10

[Brains]

Honestly, I didn't really understand it much untill the last few lines. I knew that you were writing with purpose and not just bullshiting, but I just didn't get it up untill that point. The ryhming was okay most of the time, but very good during a few stretches. I felt it all come together nicely toward the end.

[sILLable]

i like this piece....i like tha complexity you incorporated with in this piece...your vocab and wordplay were on point as usual.....rhyme scheme and flow was on point....i really cant find anything i didnt like about this piece....i loved the creativity and imagery...all in all a dope piece...keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

[MenacE]

read well. Loved first verse/paragraph. I didn't see it linkin into the next two. I personally thought the opening four lines deserve a 10. As a matter of a fact, the whole first section held up that way. The following verses were good, however, it didn't appeal to me as the opening. Overall, I love the wording. Keep that shit up. I think I'll ditto that 8/10...real solid

[Twixn...]

wow nice... never seen this much feed in one day...

yeah i didin't like this peice... especially cause the first stanza dosn't match the seconde very well...

but i thought what the hell.

[Tebo]

I felt it was a good peice, rhyming scheme was decent, you followed through with your story. Advice there is always ways to catch peoples attention even with a boreing topic (this was a nice topic but that is a example) & I think if you added a bit odf ''spark'' it would be more dope of a peice.

[Twixn...]

^yeah... i know what you are getting at...

thanks for all the feed.