''The Follower''

[Awaken]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=192955
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=194793

''The Follower''
Many days have passed, the last light has been faded
Opportunity's lost, and my past fights have been recreated
Here's to death, and I state it, ''To all the loved ones, listen up
I got a few things I wish to discuss, mainly involving all of us
I've been here, I've been there, But nothing stuck with me
Been with alot of women, but none would run amuck with me
No life, No leads, Nothing to follow through the years
Noone to care for me when I'm ill, nothing to do but fear
So I'm sitting here, with a switchblade in my hand
Carving letters in this women's chest, cuz I rebel to the Man
What happened with my life? born and raised, rich and shit
Now I'm murdering people, all pistol whipped and shit
I thought I had something, when I looked in this mirror
Looked far past myself, glazed at this dark theatre
Seats are empty, movie's playing called ''Branches of A Tree''
Then a man appears in a seat, one man, that man is me
This man called Me shattered his attitude with strong force
He watches as each branch resembles himself in a long course
He passes the childhood, wait, stop, hit rewind
Let's take a break, and watch everything during the Good Times
He walks, He plays, he learns everything without dismay
His parents love him, so who could've just shipped him away?
He sits and embarks this moment, a tear in his eye
We fast forward to present, now, only nerves may apply
He sees what he has done, to future generations
To everyone he's hurt, and his own admirations
The movie stops, he thinks ''What have I done''
One last sip of the liquor he downs, poison on the run
His fingers tighten and his chest begins to lock
He grips it with honor, and falls to the face of the clock
One man sees it, calls the cops, he dont believe it
''This man was no man, for a man, you have to Achieve it''

[Awaken]

I seem to always be slept on, thanks for that.

[sILLable]

it was pretty tight, need a little more vocab, stayed on point,aiight imagery, good rhyme scheme, aiight structure, need more multis,and more emotion.keep droppin and elevatin,~1~

[M Pulsive]

It was aight,

wordplay=5
creativity=5
felt this=4
imagery=5
multi's=4
double syllabols=3

Out of 60 points I give u a 27...it wasnt crazy shit but it was worth a read

[Jawn Raw]

damn actually not bad piece im feeling it a lot. um flow is good stucture is very good and you use complexity you use lots of vocabulary and a few good multiples not much but when you did use them they were pretty good, the imagery was pretty good and it was on story well also an interesting topic. i was feeling this.

rtf in my om White Flag link will soon be in my sig.

1

[CrazyCarl]

The story took a couple of turns which was interesting. The tree metaphor helped the imagery. Another subtle idea I liked was the "carving letters." The wording for the piece was pretty smooth. The ending was nice, pretty good concept behind that.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=194115

[MC Ebonicz]

dat waz a purrty tight drop right thurr

i think you could ov done betta on ya vocab and maybe jus a lil bit mo imagery,
but other than that, that was a nice drop

keep doin ya thang

[sILLable]

relinquished didnt read this piece at all i bet.hahahaha.~1~

[UnKnoWn]

this verse was aight but this could of ben a little better at the vocab it wsa just plan and simple but you had some good flow going on to it nice job aand your structure was reall good i liked it pretty nice drop that you had good shit man keep it up

[Awaken]

Thanks for the peeps. Could I get some constructive critisicm? I keep reading hte same shit.

[Awaken]

Upppp