Bloody Murder..

[FanTa ZeE]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=123214



Perhaps I'm paranoid pulling triggers at every noise,
Every thing I ever enjoyed has been disfigured then destroyed,
Can't avoid states of depression, so they put me on steroids,
Hoping God hears my confessions that he won't be too annoyed

Dear Lord, I've been praying for nights now; no rewards,
I'm not begging for a miricle, but I feel I've been ignored,
Some reep the honey, all the bountiful awards,
Why am I still stuck on welfare? struggling to afford?
Is it something I've done to upset you, if so can't it be restored
So I can start over again, wipe sin free from my record?
Seems like the moment i was ripped from my mothers umbilical cord,
I've led the life of a outlaw, and deaths what I'm heading toward
The barrel of the handgun, seems so tempting now my times gone,
Why can't i grasp it in my fingers and pull it bullets, only one,
One is all i need, to be freed from this life of greed,
Perpexual need for attention, a mention to killing of race and creed!
Why didn't you make it perfect? with all tools in your mist,
It could have been a paradise, swapped poverty for bliss,
Chances missed, could have been chances gained,
But instead you kill your people, we are fought, or burned or maimed!
You are nothing but a murderer, taker and creator of life,
So why didn't you offer us happiness, in exchange for all this strife?


Perhaps I'm paranoid pulling triggers at every noise,
Every thing I ever enjoyed has been disfigured then destroyed,
Can't avoid states of depression, so they put me on steroids,
Hoping God hears my confessions that he won't be too annoyed

[LM]

Thought I'd return the favor...

This was really nice. Your flow was flawless and it was matched with good vocab. You was quite creative but you still made it seem like a quick drop.

You stayed consistant throughout the whole piece.....good job.

Coulda picked a better colour than yellow tho

[Endeva.]

i have to say i liked this.... i liked the way you carried your rhyming on for a few bars, but i felt you could have transitioned smoother after the line ending 'toward'... also the ambilical cord line was a but stretched.. knocked the flow... should have took a couple of syllables outta that line.... decent voice thru it... well used vocab and caught the topic well.... not keen on coloured fonts tho.... all in all worth the read.... the hook, or whatever at the begining and end brought it together.... ~one~

[FanTa ZeE]

coo, thanks for both of those replies, i wrote this because i haven;t been so ctive in OM recently and i don't wanna lose what little talent i have. Just a quick exercise, nothing major but thanks for the replies!

and LM i like yellow

[LM]

and LM i like yellow

Fair enough then...

[ELEETE]

OUCH! FanTa! That hurt my eyes...

I thought this was very good my Poetic Princess... She so pretty....hehe Credz is gonna kick me outta CV for saying stuff like that But no matter I plan to marry FanTa someday...Anyway...You are truly talented girl an its a shame your stuff gets slept on...Just know that theres a guy accross the seas that enjoys your poetic beauty. I hope Credz doesnt read this... LOL...O well...You are trully talented girl an all i can say is not to stop writing...keep at it...And this right here-

Perhaps I'm paranoid pulling triggers at every noise,
Every thing I ever enjoyed has been disfigured then destroyed,
Can't avoid states of depression, so they put me on steroids,
Hoping God hears my confessions that he won't be too annoyed

^^Awesome^^

[Funky_phizzle]

This world is upsetting to be read on RB sometimes cos I
never like to here talent lost to guns or any kind of act of depression.
It was aight to read, nothing bad about it was well put and flowed,
vocab was there..kinda and rhyme scheme was tight, but yea dont go take
life away, you got potential and someone will reconise that.
... Peace Out...

[conquistador]

this was aight but the way you write makes it seem like your rhyme scheme is not that good. Like you rhyme with words too late in your verses I guess. I read this but I was not like" This was sick" I feel it was ok but not that hot.

[Ron B. Vicious]

yeah yellow? Horrible color, but this was a nice piece i enjoyed the hook the most but the rest was good too (maybe i liked the hook more cuz it wasnt in yellow) all in all this was a nice piece.

[FanTa ZeE]

lmao..ok, no hate on the yellow front! thanks guys, and ELEETE,you cheer me up!

[spokenoh]

As carlosbarret said, I definitly thought the rhyme scheme should of been improved. Besides that, I didn't find much fault th0, as the flow was well done and transitions would be smooth enough for audio. The vocab was above average and alot of emotion was put in this. I liked your perspective on the women's struggles without a male as my mother experienced something similiar to this without a husband. Very good piece Fanta.

[ChItOwNpRqUeEn]

it wuz str8 keep it up

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=124091