A Disciple's Thread

[A Disciple]

- - - Updated - - -

And then read song cry…

- - - Updated - - -

Like… why my man want me ice again? Is that what he’s doing?

- - - Updated - - -

I want to protest… I might protest… let me think a second

- - - Updated - - -

I’m a take my ass to sleep but yo…

- - - Updated - - -

My bestie that I never fucked with lived and worked in a hotel - that’s why my shots were there

[A Disciple]

The Rose

I know he love me, but maybe not enough
And when he left I called his bluff
And like we suposed to be bigging each other up
And right now… fuck it
I’ll do anything to keep him safe
But tell me for real if it’s me he fittin to replace
I don’t want the ups and downs we need therapy
Cause the video “I love my baby” by busta is all i can see
When I’m angry… and like
I promise I won’t ice pick you and I know you won’t sleep me
But somethings going on…
Because it feels like my baby no longer keeps me
I’m gonna try to sleep
Alone, crying, silently screaming if I weep
Cause my soul is cut deep
Again…
And I don’t have one friend
And I don’t know what’s going on with my man
But I’m not strong enough right now to make that stand

- - - Updated - - -

If he love you he won’t make you cry
Or cause I love him I didn’t tell him one lie
Is that what made me weaker again?

[A Disciple]

I look so stupid again… I think he lost respect cause I didn’t leave him even though I had no “proof”

- - - Updated - - -

Well I have proof in how he talking to and treating me now and everyone saying he pussy whipped didn’t help

- - - Updated - - -

Went for an MRI… I already know they don’t have to tell me but I can’t wait to slam it on the judges desk

- - - Updated - - -

He used to care when I cried and now he’s so cold and like… wow… for real… trusted and fucked up again or just pushed him away with this coke

- - - Updated - - -

It take me a long time to process shit

- - - Updated - - -

He doing shit on purpose and acting like he not like saying he had to take a call at 4:42pm today

- - - Updated - - -

Other shit too and like he right I can’t get down with it or forgive it

- - - Updated - - -

I’m not going to say he took a gamble and loss cause I ain’t got shit

- - - Updated - - -

I always go back when I’m sad…

- - - Updated - - -

It toughens me up

- - - Updated - - -

The fact that he can even bring me to breaking point is dead wrong and he been doing it strong all week and I don’t want to talk shit to down him but if he loved me the way I need to be loved he wouldn’t be capable

- - - Updated - - -

My ex… the one I ain’t gone back to or with in like almost 20 years. He got a problem with him… said I wasn’t defending him

- - - Updated - - -

That I was letting him poke at him. I stopped speaking to my ex who I was close to ever since we did break up but backed up to respect my bf

- - - Updated - - -

But I’m a stay backed off

- - - Updated - - -

My bf say cause he say he treat me like shit but yo my ex never made me snap to the point I start hitting myself… just typing this out helping me to make sense of it all and such

- - - Updated - - -

School going ok but it’s hard to go and stay lately… feel like the girls who don’t like me there cause I am weird and mad socially awkward since the 2014/2015 break

- - - Updated - - -

No kids, a small ass family that distance drives more than anything and like… I really do look like such the asshole making my mom support me like no one believes me when I say I wish I could support myself again

- - - Updated - - -

I hate to feel sorry for myself and I’m not doing that… but I always seem to back track or fuck shit up. I’m worried about my bf who I don’t know what to call now… but he ain’t worried about me

- - - Updated - - -

I cried like 5x this week… today I snapped cause I’m tired of being this adult child. If it wasn’t my mom saying no to gas money then it was my boss on my ass tracking my calls

- - - Updated - - -

I hate when people try to control me… or take my power

- - - Updated - - -

I have everything I need but this… what am I complaining for? Who think I like this? You can buy me 10 outfits and I still will wear the same 2 shirts especially when I don’t feel well. Living like this isn’t the life IM FUCKING MISERABLE but everyone time I try to stand on my own here come I don’t even know who ever and yes I’m going down again

- - - Updated - - -

They win… everytime… why do I even try?

- - - Updated - - -

I don’t want to be supported I want to support myself again

- - - Updated - - -

I don’t like to be manipulated and to be honest sometimes I get scared I’m a ice pick somebody when I find out what’s really going on

- - - Updated - - -

I’m not going to suffer because someone just won’t get it… and yeah I’ll be the asshole that just don’t fit in anywhere. But like… you knew EVERY FUCKING MOVE I MADE and still turned around and treated me like this

- - - Updated - - -

I didn’t want to feel again

- - - Updated - - -

I trusted and did and like…

- - - Updated - - -

Worried about him and the weird shit and praying he be ok

- - - Updated - - -

How can I still have a heart for people that hurt me? Cause sometimes in life the stakes are way higher then that superficial shit

- - - Updated - - -

But believe me… my heart been cut plenty off - only no one will make them stop, get off me, or listen

- - - Updated - - -

They hit me there today when I was on the phone with him

- - - Updated - - -

Idk who either but it’s not funny

- - - Updated - - -

My house getting pranked and like who fucking with whose head for real… grow up

- - - Updated - - -

They have no rite and he won’t get them off of me anyhow. So how you know all this and that but don’t know that

[A Disciple]

We made up… the feeling of peace and comfort is so strong I have to trust

[A Disciple]

Yeah I’m a just drink this one out

[A Disciple]

Nah I ain’t told him yet

- - - Updated - - -

I wouldn’t ever go against my mother… she all that I have

[A Disciple]

Angel

I mean it’s just words to most
Trying to explain the expression and obsession when you lived most your life up against a ghost
A toast to the day - the same day you check the site and it’s you that they roast
But I wasn’t in it to boast, not in it to rep either coast, or to troll in my posts
Just like… one question though…
how much DID they gross?
I mean why they do it, what game do the play, and who is/was the host?
And what CAN I say?
Cause I don’t see a motive or how it all became my sense of shame
The all just lame… we are not the same
And nah I don’t need anyone to remember my name
Just to remember me the same

I don’t know…

This song really hit home and always put me in a zone…
Like sometimes I wonder if that comment was his about preferring to die all alone
All I could scream was keep your eyes open and he couldn’t
They wishing what you will when I know that you wouldn’t
Time goes by fast or by real slow but it’s something that no matter how much money you got…
You can never trade or own
That’s one to grow on too but wait homie… we supposed to be already grown
And I don’t know about you… but
I just still respect myself and I know I can’t turn to stone
Thinking hard on how many sides and theories I’ve shown
Even though I never really known what was up
While everyone else knew what I was facing
Or that one or this one making fun of me and my pacing

You know?

I always sang this part as:

“So tired of the street life and everywhere you turn there is vultures and feens at your back, stone keeps on twisting and you lie to make up for all that you lack… it don’t make no difference escaping one more time it’s easier to believe… it wasn’t the glory it was the sadness that brought me to my knees”

DEAD UP

I’m just begging you release me from the burden… Chris please


~ that’s what survivors remorse feel like

[A Disciple]

🎼 This might be the night… it might be the moment… but all them bitches just trying to own it… what I’m on loan? Shit… and it ain’t shit but you bout it and lit… a moment turns to something you can never take back… and then everything else gets knocked all off track. And it happen just like that… next time might be a lifetime but at least we get it all back. And that’s really what’s so tragic… when you look and the blood appear just like magic… I realized why I was on my own… and why I wasn’t included on his thrown… it was for something just unknown but lfeeling like it wasn’t even for one reason they all chose to throw stones… I know they follow a pack and don’t know what it’s like to be alone… but now someone wanna take that from me… like the nicer you be… it’s j just a sucker they see… nah I’ll be honest it’s cause I realized I AM crazy… and I’m not gonna pull it or lose our second chance cause someone just wanna fuck with me and my head.. Some days I rather be dead, some words I wish I never said, and sometimes I wish it was them instead. But me? At this very moment all I want is… loyalty signed, sealed and delivered ~143 🖤+

[A Disciple]

[A Disciple]

I think some of the weird is spells on top of nah they really drove me insane too though…

- - - Updated - - -

And they ALL can’t stay over there on that side cause they ALL cut off except my family… and my bf is part of my family. What I can’t understand is how they have that rite and how he still can’t protect me from them and their type… like I say he was there from the beginning but he’s lying… I don’t remember him but the song he said I was playing over and over I never even liked - so why he lying?

- - - Updated - - -

Saw a post of my fb flashing back to a memory using a word saying it’s my post that I didn’t even use cause I didn’t even know what it meant and stuff like that

- - - Updated - - -

I as in first intial*

- - - Updated - - -

So like the secret society everybody done been in but me cause he was in so I was alone… got woke up alone… got my az kicked on repeat

- - - Updated - - -

And you all probably know I don’t even want to be like them or figure it out or be friends and cool or “forgive” or any of that either

- - - Updated - - -

Yo all of them just running around fucking with a crazy girls head but they law too?!?!

- - - Updated - - -

Cause idk how they fuck with my accounts and life like that if they’re not

- - - Updated - - -

How is that even legal?

- - - Updated - - -



- - - Updated - - -

I finally found my man I’m almost positive and I’m not trading him in for nothing but they even coming in between us again and I’m just like for what?

- - - Updated - - -

Make them all go away

- - - Updated - - -

If ANY of them were real friends… someone would’ve told me

- - - Updated - - -

Fuck them, their religion, their secret society, their God, their families… all of them just BYE!!!! If I don’t talk to or fuck with you anymore I never will again

- - - Updated - - -

My man think I’m playing games… I don’t have a clue about any games… and my life or life in general isn’t one to me

- - - Updated - - -

Life is not a game to me… and never was

- - - Updated - - -

I’m gonna try to sleep… if my fucking god will come back and protect me and my body so I can - that’s what it feels like… like people you can’t stand literally inside of and talking to you or at least trying to praying etc

[Wuxia]

If your family is intent on disrupting your happiness, then you need to reconsider what family means to you. You might think you are part of a family just based on the fact that you're included. But if you were really included, would your family hold you in contempt for the decisions you make, or would they respect you enough to be there for you in hindsight regardless the outcome of your decisions?

[Wuxia]

If your family doesn't accept your boyfriend, and you find that in and of itself as unacceptable, then ask yourself, why are you the one having to deal with their frustration when they don't even acknowledge your own? That isn't family. There is no support whatsoever, just you conforming to their wishes.

[A Disciple]

My family is small and I love my family and my mom loves my bf and knows the entire story. She has been taken care of me since I got sick and it weighs on me to support myself again. Sorry if I confused you but my family is very supportive

- - - Updated - - -

Just distant… we do a family call on Sundays since my dad passed though…

- - - Updated - - -

He’s bringing us back together I feel cause our family unit got FUCKED UP back then

- - - Updated - - -

I wouldn’t make any bad decisions to jeopardize my family either though…

- - - Updated - - -
@Wuxia where did you get or hear all that though?

[A Disciple]

Yo I almost forgot about this one…

[A Disciple]

Demons

Spite
Arrogance
Entitled
Coward

Those are the demons that slayed me
On top of twisted and sick
More disrespectful then when bigs kid said mommy get off his dick
My man said maybe money too
But I doubt that, just a bunch of shit they ran around and tried to undo
It only got worse for me though
And when I was doing good again
They come right back in
Again and again
Why do I have to live fighting them?
I’m not into secrets I’m not into lies
I’m not desperate to be accepted by you guys
Nah like bitch was crying like I’m sorry I love you but never spit it out
Oh boy like let’s switch computers like something else was up no doubt
But nobody say shit
And everyone have right to their business but not when it’s concerning me
And the only one that pays the repercussion of what they did and do is me and my family
What’s that? Vanity?
But nah cause now I’m really crazy
And that’s what’s up…
Fuck every last one of them
I say it again…
Fuck every last one of them I mean really what is the prize you trying to win cause like
He was never even there and she always just an infection
And nobody ever had good intentions
So like… I’m a try to get better if they leave my body I never gave away or even got the choice to say leave me alone
And this one or that one can have the damn throne
I guess it all will remain unknown
Cause they pussy and can’t even admit who they are or what they do
And I’m a stay being crazy cause that’s how mines left me too