A Disciple's Thread

[Candy]

yeh il def answer anything you have just shoot away

[A Disciple]

Cause you can’t put a bitch on a mattress and read her especially with a different heart! Retarded? What’s retarded about? My cousin has cebrel palsy (sp?) and kids at school put his head in the toilet. I was so mad I told god give one to me and nobody will ever fuck with them and I’d make sure they’d have the best life ever! Not that I would want a child that’s sick but if one’s here I got them too!

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I’ve been talking to god about my babies since I was in 5th grade and I never got one! I’m not mad I respect if for a reason but like… to be totally derailed off your life path for so long that you miss your dreams like… you just find new ones!

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@Candy do you ever get into a zone where you don’t feel like yourself and you don’t hear like yourself? If so, how do you break it?!?

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Lucky as hell I found weed…

[Candy]

listen to children in their sleep

[A Disciple]

@Candy you just reminded me of the weirdest shit. I lived with my ex and he had his daughter and her cousin sleep over - he had to run out so I was writing on my cpu and then one started crying in her sleep and like 2 minutes later the other one did too. Not like they were hurt or scared crying but weeping. I didn't know if I should wake them up or not but decided not to. Now the bugged out shit about that is one of the kids mom was murdered like a year or two later and I always wondered if like someone was telling them and that's why they were crying like that. The mom was cool as hell, I liked her a lot... she was an AMAZING mother and I'm just still so shocked that she's gone. She was WAY too young too.

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I'm upset I never got to be a mom but I was close with my sisters kids so that helped..

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I used to wake up early before work, like 4am or 5am in the morning, so I can write. Work, school, gym, boyfriend, therapy and psych... there was never enough hours in the day. Now all I have is time to fill... the only good thing about that is I don't have to worry about having to stop writing or etc for the next activity and I don't have to ask my friend or bf for 10 minutes so I can listen to a song or etc. I never had time to think cause when I did I used to get sick. Now all I do is think... I get it now... I think. Just sitting here like I can write and not have to worry about time constrictions. I can write all day if I want to. But I really miss work... I really miss having money too. My mom thinks I should write a book about psych and connect a bridge and maybe people like me can get cured too. I guess maybe I will work on that today.

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@Candy what you doing today? How do you fill your time?

[Candy]

i think writing a book is a good idea
im glad you worked out all it was was thinking xoxo

im good today i just woke its 6:44am here im bout to get a coffee, i got a smoke already hehe

i usually these days cause im a retiered hip hop artist is just watch movies i either buy some from op shops and stuff or just watch em free on the internet.. i listen to music to - i got lots of books to read one day when i get sick of the movies and music..

what do you do to fill time

i have like three showers a day to because its my favourite thing to do in the world then some nights i go into the spa

[A Disciple]

@Candy nice but why retire? I’ve heard your stuff you good!! Make more money but for real my dream is to ghost write so I like that you write with me and can maybe help me get better so I can. I can’t imagine waking up so early anymore… most nights that’s when I’m finally falling asleep. It takes 6-10 hours just to fall asleep (when the pins and stuff stop) but the crazy part is if I can get to my focal point… I start drooling and am out in 5 minutes!

Its 8:44pm and I’m about to get myself a coffee too…

Reading a book is a good idea since I want to learn how to write one… I don’t like to read that much and if I do I have to read in short increments or a chapter at a time cause I keep reading the words but my mind wanders. Like when I listen to music I repeat the song a lot to catch all the words.

I be bored as hell… I don’t work cause my bp1 and ptsd are still too much on me physically too. If I can manage my sleep and the physical attacks I probably could get back to work again.

You feel like writing again? What’s the next topic?

[Candy]

call us today - topic

i wanted to retire cause there was no work for a dude thirty years old - and i had lots of jobs something like 30 so it was def time i still had options but i would rather cash in on insurance otherwise i might not have had any other time to cash in on it it is just what i hear..

i use to ghost write for tech and shit its cool good medal to have

yeh i def feel like writing again

[A Disciple]

@Candy ok I’m gonna do my tarot right quick and start to write. And I can totally relate… I cashed in my 401k and pension to move back home and ran thru it in 2 months. I don’t regret it. I had MAD FUN!!!! And was in a way paying back a debt too…

[Candy]

thats what your suppose to do aite set up the match and il wrap up something

[A Disciple]

Thank you <3

[Candy]

your welcome

[A Disciple]

Like @Candy I just felt my heart so I blew a kiss and they just got mad… I feel like some dissected and put back together bitch and it’s making me feel like I lost my own god cause I really didn’t do anything wrong and was being abused and dragged thru depths so low you couldn’t even begin with imagine…

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Begin to imagine* … I’m tired of being the one sick when they try to throw me to him to him to him or to him or insisting on being part of my wake up and like… I am SO serious I want them gone. They are literally trying to change and demand to be my god and spirituality and I can’t deal with it!!!! I’m tired of getting my ass kicked with zero defense it feels like. WHY? And I’m just going to vent until someone understands what’s going on too cause it’s more than just mental illness… my quality of life is SO POOR right now and it’s like they keep me trapped and god let’s them and around and around we go. Someone who was talking directly to my soul and cool cool cool what ever I didn’t do it but why am I the one down? And why do they refuse to go away?

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Pac… the vulture is Kevin and they SEE WITH THEIR OWN EYES how sick and mental he can make me… so why I still feel haunted? And the spirits running thru me - it’s not all souls - what they even doing here disrespecting me too

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If their entire division goes away and stays away from me I feel I can get better and get some type of life back… I refuse to live sick and confused for anybody

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I don’t want and never asked for a god this close to my body

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Especially one that disrespects me and my flesh

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Do you know how long 8 years is? WHO IS MAD AT ME?!? And I’m pissed cause I didn’t even sign up for this shit and can’t even get peace and comfort in my own body now too?

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Heart… there has to be a win win for both of us cause I’m not going to sit here and live like some abused punk bitch for and by people like them

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And I’m not going to be forced to be with ANYBODY especially people that I’m not even attracted to… like how can they even think I would be. I’ll be by myself then… bored, sick, and miserable

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Just felt the stab to my ribs and you disrespecting my Jesus for real

[A Disciple]

Nah blowing a kiss made you mad WHY? … fuck you then I don’t need you either. It’s not like you help or protect me or get them off of f and away from me any way. And now I have to try to sleep more confused then ever?!??

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Can you at least make them stop pinning my eyes and abusing my body when I reach for my family… it’s not my god and I’m trying to figure out why 1 is confused… I’m not living like this for NO ONE

[Candy]

blowing a kiss is ok

[A Disciple]

I’m not psychic and I’m not good at assumptions… somebody figure it out since nobody will tell me a thing and I’m not going to sit here another 8 years getting tortured, stalked, and disrespected in my own body!!!!

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Fuck blowing a kiss he can go to hell too…

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He can go to hell too… it’s not like he helps or protects me either. Who want a bitch that just sit there and watch and cry any way