sacred Scriptures Season 15 Week 4 "Dual Topics": OG Maestro vs TheIllyricist

[143]

OG Maestro vs TheIllyricist

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Check In by 3/18

Verses by 3/23 with extension by 3/24

Votes by 3/28

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@OG Maestro @TheIllyricist

[TheIllyricist]

check

[OG Maestro]

Diarrhea flow.

[TheIllyricist]

Dual Topic Chosen: Wild Card Topic Season 13

http://img06.deviantart.net/3b94/i/2...sc-d9ttbjh.jpg

http://orig00.deviantart.net/c6ea/f/...d0-d7wlche.jpg

Flutter, flutter, little bird

“Shimmering hope in the sky,
Your withering shine no longer guides
Me, I’ve become pale as your light; blind
These wings do not glide, but hide…”

So said the pearl feathered dove
Her glow weathered cast down from above
Perched atop a seat of lies it seems
Built upon crumbled ash of hopes and dreams
Fantasies but a broken scene of horizon seas
Where wishes of wandering glee died with thee
Cursed diamond of him, this golden ring
Is not love but a prison made by a tyrant king
Jeweled walls, golden bars where the bird cannot sing

Pure white feathers with a snowy gleam
Scarred by the cutting chain growing deep
Defeat? Tears fall when the bird knows she bleeds
Her field of ice spotted with the crimson seeds
Sprouting stems of a stillborn sheath
Dear future child, you will not be!

For the hatred blade cannot cleave
The sows which she shall not reap
At last, she sees the walls of he
Built of stone and the un-freed

Bird’s asylum this quiet island
Of tattered isles and silent tiles
By herself, of the self
Lonely novel upon the shelf
Her opened book of twilight feathers
Painted with brush stroked tethers
Bloodied strings carved in wings
Things planned twenty-two years before this spring
A mapped out life where the pain does sing!

The scarlet rain reigns the day
Droplets stain the page
As a new chapter is made,
Unclaimed by the voices the others gave
While the dove stands in her cage
Glancing through the window of her runaway rage

Wronged for so long
She touches the bars, strong
And the bird falls into a song…

“Expectations have made these
But no longer do they tame me,
I am no trophy for your walls
Ghost of my own halls, I will not fall
In tethered steps hand in hand
Binding union of which I did not stand
My silence is no longer silent
For my life was meant to be vibrant
Sorry, diamond-giver for not coming with you compliant…
I know that your pride aches
But I can’t let you take the dreamed shapes
Not yet made and if you step on the brakes
My heart will break!

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
I may leave your world in twain
But mine is kept sane
For I still have hope to see Paris
Or perhaps… Spain.”

[OG Maestro]

Posting tonight. strap ya selves in folks.

[OG Maestro]

Heartbreak Warfare
-OGM

http://pre09.deviantart.net/035e/th/...rt-d9uvnr9.jpg

My mother died after my delivery. left my Heart torn; bitter.
So don't fuckin' ask me what made me a natural born killer
From each day that wind forth, my mind morphed more sicker
Born sinner, but I prayed that one day I would mourn with her
Father trained me young, sensing a foundation of hatred inside
I grew through warfare: imagine blood-spilling into a basin aligned,
To a bottomless pit.
+ I was impulsive as shit, vacant inside:
Connect the dots and you'll see that I had murder tracing my mind
Once he nurtured it, my inner-demons could be placed to the side
Showing the art of war and within each act where patience would hide
I killed a man in every way possible.
I became: the one-man army, purely unstoppable;
A solider this Earth had never seen;
A walking nightmare that made men forever dream.
Could slash at ya throat, watch you sputter, gasp, and then choke
I'm faster than most; I hit in a flash like a bolt:
That's what I call a lighting strike, and I do it until a bastard is broke
Never wasting the time without taking what's mine or breaking a spine
Trading blood with 2 men, I'll wrap their bodies together
Call it a Red-Cross like I'm making the sign.
But this became a problem as I hunted people to hurt them for nothing
All the way, I couldn't fight the feeling that I was searching for something
I remember, just yesterday, our army raided a town
I entered into the deep thought while all else were parading around...

It seemed I striving towards the invisible, or maybe the residual
Survivor's guilt, just perhaps it would explain why I can't relax
Each life taken affects my health.
I've been trying to slay death itself.
Powerful words were spoken before battle, it was silence: a story in breath
And it made me realize that every fight I enter I'm hoping I join my mother.
There's glory in death.

23.

[Judge Mentill]

Illy- poetry plain and simple. You brought the image of a freedom seeking woman overcoming the pain of child loss with punchy and well worded bars. There was something that screamed classic literature about this; the old fashioned vocabulary was a stand out trait and your rhyme scheme was solid. It never really lagged, the length was good. I felt the ending could've had a bit more impact but that's nit picking honestly.

Good work.

OG- the story of a berserker, ha, I could dig this. Your tale of a man who became a killer to bury the pain of an absent mother was pacey and strung together by compound rhymes and some brutal imagery. It's the kind of the piece that puts me in mind of the wildlings on game of thrones. The piece was a good length, I felt another dozen bars would've helped flesh out the character development some and would've helped the regret expressed at the end feel more natural, but overall it was a strong drop that fit the image you chose.

Vote- Illy for a more fleshed out piece overall

[Nahlidge]

The Illyricist,
Definitely had a poetic feel. That on top of the length made this a long read for me. It was nicely written for the most part, but had dull spots and spots that just felt out of tune with the rest. Mainly for wording issues.

Sorry, diamond-giver for not coming with you compliant…

That line for example just didn't sit well with me. Wasn't a fan of how you ended the piece either. I felt like it was lacking, specially after such a lengthy piece.

OG Maestro,
I thought your take on the topic was nice. It just wasn't written in the right voice I think. The way the character spoke didn't match how he looked in the picture. The picture looks old/medieval, the voice of the character sounded like he could be a teenager today lol. I didn't like that at all. I thought you should have done a better job with that. Felt like the ending was lazy as well. Like you just wanted to end it.

Vote - The Illyricist
I wasn't a fan of either ending, but Illyricist def had the better drop out of the two. Showed more skill as a writer in all categories.

[143]

With this battle is BOTW easily

Aesopic feel and delivery and touching my heart with this. The fluidity in the grand style of prose really shine here where the imagery was as of the topics in a rhythmic syncopation.

For the hatred blade cannot cleave
The sows which she shall not reap
At last, she sees the walls of he
Built of stone and the un-freed

This stanza gave me that classical representation that underlined the whole drop. It felt like I was in the Age of Intelligence looking at an operatic interpretation of the pain she was going through. Along with this being so visual as well as technically classical with the interpretation but poetical in delivery, you mastered different influences into this wonderful offering. Dope

It was easy to get the whole NBK theme in this but I got something deeper to this drop. Like some of it was also metaphorical in nature like the following lines...

Connect the dots and you'll see that I had murder tracing my mind
Once he nurtured it, my inner-demons could be placed to the side
Showing the art of war and within each act where patience would hide
I killed a man in every way possible.

This is where killing man was more of disposing ideals that may be normal rather than men who died in different ways. This image was dope in its own right. Brewing this hatred for something that has no control over and then mastering the uncontrollable. You had the progression of his intellect that seeded his disdain for peace which was a good line to show progression. Your romp into the darkness of anger was the best counter against Ill's verse

Vote OG
Even though Ill's verse was majestic and elegantly painful in nature, the brutalness of OG anger on the one person who he wanted to connect with was strong and vivid.

[King Prince]

Illyricist- love the piece bro. Im a sucker for that depressive/oprresive aspect you crafted this in. It was a beautifully told story with perfect interpretation of your topics. Your poetic side really shone and nearly every line cut deep; as if the entire drop was written in blood-mixed tears. I like thr fact that there was a backstory given without wasting too many lines. Only problems i found with it would be that it became a little predictable and almost felt like u were just cramming as much filler as u could to prolong the finish. Great filler, but filler nonetheless. That and i felt you couldve done more to give us a grand finish. Still great piece and great usage of the dual topics

Maestro- same to you. Very enjoyable read. Like ill your drop took on the persona of your topic, brutal and direct. I started writing this feeling like i was feeling ill's use of topic more, but as both pieces settled in i think i prefer how u chose to lead with the backstory of the mother and rather than allude to it throughout the drop yoy chose to save it for a brilliant closing line. I also liked the subtle use of vocabulary as i feel too much would've clashed with the brash style of writing. My only issue is it felt kinda rushed. We got a lot of info throughout the piece and it was lined with the feeling of a lot of internal pain but i dont feel like we got much storytelling. More a chronological overview.

My vote goes to maestro simply because i enjoyed the reading more from start to finish. Ill's storytelling almost gave him an edge but the final slash of maestro's pen gave his warrior one final victory

[Emily]

TheIllyricist.

Some parts of your wording melt like butter. So smooth and romantic.
Such a sweet song is sung when you put pen to paper like that.

Wronged for so long
She touches the bars, strong
And the bird falls into a song…

“Expectations have made these
But no longer do they tame me,
I am no trophy for your walls
Ghost of my own halls, I will not fall

What is exceptional for me, is your poets voice. It's so strong and clear and precise. To me, it never falters, instead it has a conviction about it that lifts me up. Your personification of the bird and it's triumphs leads me to try and understand how it is you can master such lovely tone and demand the stage like that. But you do. Some lines stand out more than others, and that's to be expected. Those stand out bars ...are the bar, in my eyes, and anything that falls below that, at this stage of to the game, lessens the blow that's intended to hit the reader. Someone said "Which line is your favourite?" The man answered, "This one, and this one, and this one." The guy said, "Wrong. They should all be your favourite." They should all be that good. Imagine if they all were that good? A whole piece, 'that good'.
I guess that's the aim for all of us. To write a piece where every line is our favourite, where the whole piece holds that strength. My point is, some of this wasn't as strong. Although it sung a lovely song, at stages, some old English wording didn't do it for me. I think it mixed up era's in my mind. Although I had the imagery on high alert, sometimes, the wording dragged me down. I'm being so picky its stupid. But it's things like what Nahlidge quoted. Maybe they are fillers, or maybe they're just words you thought go, or maybe I'm just not reading those sections right. Regardless, when you've got shit hot bars, that sizzle, and then I read bars that aren't as spectacular, I go up, up, up, then I jump a notch down again. Just one notch. Not many. But you get my drift I hope. I don't want to fall at all. I just want to be lifted up. Because your piece has such build, and poise and grandness, that I would have loved it to end with such a regal essence and that flavour follow me through the whole time. As it stands though, this piece is still remarkable. It's painted with a golden brush and not only do the colours pop, but the msg is considerate, sensitive and compassionate. You're a wonderful writer. And if you weren't I wouldn't have been as strict with this feed. Beautiful wording my friend.


OG Maestro:
Those opening lines beg the audience to keep reading. Those first two lines bring me into your piece and pretty much show me that you're gonna be a prick. No lies where you're describing your situation, you draw us in straight off the bat. A natural born killer.
A bold, lionhearted stance, valiant and audacious as words smack the reader.

Born sinner, but I prayed that one day I would mourn with her
Father trained me young, sensing a foundation of hatred inside
I grew through warfare: imagine blood-spilling into a basin aligned,
To a bottomless pit.
+ I was impulsive as shit

I loved that. The flow went bazerk in my mind, fast paced and on point. I like the swiftness of it. I appreciate the harshness of tone.
I definitely love that there's no doubt or debate regarding the characters feelings. He's coming to kill and he's got amo stacked and he's gonna do it. Nothing's gonna change that fact. I felt you 'were him'. I felt it. Nahlidge had a good point, the character in the picture is of another era and your wording is modern, but I look at it like this...regardless of language, feelings through time don't change. Anger doesn't change. Revenge doesn't change regardless of how much armour someone is wearing. I got a feeling of a normal person who put on a steel suit, and became a legend. Killing machine. A normal boy, with a man's reckoning. I like that anyone can put on that suit and become someone's nightmare.

I killed a man in every way possible.
I became: the one-man army, purely unstoppable;

What makes good writing in my mind? A believable stance. And you've got it here. I believe every word you say. From one sentence to the next you ricochet down bars with more and more drama and spirited contempt.
A destroyer.

That's what I call a lighting strike, and I do it until a bastard is broke

I'm not big on the underlined bit here. Seems a tad too obvious and yeah, I don't like you having to explain what you call something. I wish you would have just said it with no explanation. But I do love the follow up of

and I do it until a bastard is broke

That's just so friggen beautiful. 'I do it until a bastard is broke.' I absolutely love that. So simple and clean and ruthless.

Anyway, for me, this was a close one. I wish OG Maestro had given me a little more, I wish TheIllyricist had given me a little less.
But both packed a huge punch as far as imagery was concerned. Both came with lovely flow. TheIllyricists descriptions can't be met, just like the believable nature of OG Maestro's ballsy, death or glory, character can not be reckoned with.

Congratulations to both writers for coming up with something that makes this battle what it is...so friggen close.
I'm very impressed by both pieces.
My vote goes to the piece that captured my attention a little more, took me on a flow ride in a harsher way, upped the ante' on intensity and generally was a little more enjoyable for me as a whole to read because of the buffet of blasts that blew me away.
Gentleman, good job.
Thank you.
Always a pleasure being in here with such talent.


V - OG Maestro