Sacred Scriptures Season 15 Week 1: Revelation 18:3 vs L.E vs Sabin

[143]

@Revelation 18:3 @L.E @sabin

WEEK 1

Revelation 18:3 vs L.E vs Sabin

Check in by 1/30
Verses By 2/3
Votes by 2/7
No 24hr extension past 2/2
See rules here --> http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...=1#post8787479

Here are your topics:

http://img09.deviantart.net/6c81/i/2..._by_wwwest.jpg

http://img00.deviantart.net/c064/i/2...st-d49z75v.jpg

The Inheritance Cycle

His Dark Materials

Dilapidated Officialdom

Ibidem Pacing

[CleverWordz]

Damn I'm glad I browsed through...check.

[L.E]

As am I haha. Check and good luck.

[CleverWordz]

Dilapidation

..In a scale of disarray, weighs our Cerebral composure,
If life is truly a bitch, she reeks in debt whomever Odor,
Add salt to the wound, yet battered skins to an frail ingredient,
Such a lie, if I squeeze reality will a trail saturate via bleeding it?
We're FED the propaganda, eating warrants onto subpoena plates,
As we walk by faith, till our entrails' slant width to eviscerate,
Pissed stains ricochet, into a compilation of corridors,
With humanity seeming lifeless, as if Entities dwell Aura spores,
Fragments based our Imagination, to resuscitate hypothetically,
Speaking if our government were components, may eradicate its Chemistry,
Nervousness starts to kick-in, like pregnancy during ultrasound,
For criticism invokes the Stereotype, of Mavis Beacon immersive Surround,
Says freedom of speech, muffles tyranny behind Caution tape,
With Forced entries, like paraphrasing about Statutory Rape,
Salt and pepper is our antioxidants, being showered by their cancerous,
So hazardous, living a multiple choice; all of above whom shall Answer this?
As told? We're full of the BULL passed consumption lies energy drinks,
And when I think, society is well done, yet the nucleus is shown being Pink,
Now hanging by a thread, the cost of repair or let the worm be it's foes,
For each path begins to feel wilderness, having un-greased cornrows,
A slideshow with such amuse, confines hierarchy to Fade nations,
Inflation! if continued traits, summoning a cesspool into dilapidation...

[L.E]

http://img00.deviantart.net/c064/i/2...st-d49z75v.jpg

The Inheritance Cycle

Shadows of mind...Deep, but curse them all to the gallows of time!
Forward is my current, surely as the ripples and shallows entwine.
Hallowed design: my ship causing rifts, shifts, and fallacies smit!
Spherical, blur in the night, dispersion of light as the galaxies split.
No blasphemy, tricks, or chemical propulsion haphazardly mixed,
Escaping the home planet, only known as where the tragedy sits...
...No! NO more thoughts of the spot and the BASTARD and kids!
The disaster would have been faster, he should thank his ASS that he lives.

A flashing light, against the white it is bright: "Madam, I watch your temperature rise."
A dribble of sweat from my eyes, and it floats through the ship to the vents in the plies.
"I suggest you get some rest," the gentle voice of the computer continues,
My eyelids are shut. "For your mission, you will need all the strength that is in you."
The ship flutters through voids...energetic combustion was like thunder deployed.
But no sleep would find my limbs, as memory found what had left my brother destroyed.
Shattered and battered, the demons of the planet and the havoc they wreak...
...Damaged and weak, but soon it will be fixed when I found the planet I seek!

An alarm sounds. I awaken as a daze had been seen.
Gaze from a dream: the shadow of a planet, a moon, with a star's rays in between.
As I approach, my focus regains closeness, face pressed on coldness of cheek,
Forests of green, teaming with hopes, and then it opens, I see oceans so deep!
Cities seem so pretty as the dark side runs...it is chasing the sun!
And for a moment, I looked back to the blue star where my race had begun.
Oh, and that bastard...every desire I had to plaster him thin,
Masked with a grin, I couldn't wait to hear how Earthlings will answer to him!

Descent into skies! Cloaked, it would be a subtle approach,
Surely they would recognize a friendly if the subject was close!
I land in an opening, as I cover my face with a mask,
Vacate from my craft, stand, in yellow blades of the grass.
I raise my helmet as I see red and blue lights approaching me fast!
They must bring a coach, as the black vehicles are closing the gaps!
But something is wrong...they surround me, countless people in fives...
Weapons drawn...as they open fire, I see the same evil from his eyes...

The betrayal complete...my body falls from the human rifles exposed!
The cycle had been fulfilled, as I know now it is from their likeliness we had rose...

[SELF ACTIVATE]

Rev:

..In a scale of disarray, weighs our Cerebral composure,
If life is truly a bitch, she reeks in debt whomever Odor

^I think the second line could use some sort of punctuation between the words 'whomever' and 'Odor', but even still, the phrasing is a bit strange to me.

Add salt to the wound, yet battered skins to an frail ingredient,
Such a lie, if I squeeze reality will a trail saturate via bleeding it?

^Again, I am struggling with the grammatics. For instance, the flow of second line is hindered by the inclusion of the word 'to'; there is also no practical use for its inclusion as well. Also, grammatically speaking the following word 'an' should actually be 'a'; and again, it service no practical use and complicates the flow and overall articulation of your statement's meaning. The proceeding lines could also be
re-worded to make their intentions more clear. 

We're FED the propaganda, eating warrants onto subpoena plates,
As we walk by faith, till our entrails' slant width to eviscerate,
Pissed stains ricochet, into a compilation of corridors,
With humanity seeming lifeless, as if Entities dwell Aura spores,

^ Although, I'm still finding mechanical things to gripe about, I will say this...in this area of text your wordplay is becoming more obvious and intriguing. Another thing that I noticed in the above line is the unifying theme of dilapidation and decay creating a tie between your words and the chosen topic.

Fragments based our Imagination, to resuscitate hypothetically,
Speaking if our government were components, may eradicate its Chemistry,
Nervousness starts to kick-in, like pregnancy during ultrasound,
For criticism invokes the Stereotype, of Mavis Beacon immersive Surround

^ "Mavis Beacon"? I'm not sure who that is, but I'll look it up to truly understand the concept of that line. However, switching gears to a mechanical POV ... I have to give you props on the lines quoted above. At this point your verse is starting to pick up some steam. There is rhythm and fluency to your words now ; this allows me as a reader to absorb your message while also enjoying your technique.

Says freedom of speech, muffles tyranny behind Caution tape,
With Forced entries, like paraphrasing about Statutory Rape,
Salt and pepper is our antioxidants, being showered by their cancerous,
So hazardous, living a multiple choice; all of above whom shall Answer this?

^ One suggestion: perhap consider replacing the word 'cancerous' with the word 'carcinogen' ... to me it conveys the same meaning, but grammatically it fits better (IMO). However, I suppose I can see why you went the route you did (it works as well). On another note tho, this entire excerpt was pretty dope. The flow here is solid and the wordplay is compelling. Also, the message is supported a great deal by the imagery you created. As a whole this part had that hard hitting poetic banter I come to respect and appreciate about your work. In other words it's the sort of shit I like to read. Good job here.

As told? We're full of the BULL passed consumption lies energy drinks,
And when I think, society is well done, yet the nucleus is shown being Pink,
Now hanging by a thread, the cost of repair or let the worm be it's foes,
For each path begins to feel wilderness, having un-greased cornrows

^This part seem to be a step backwards when compared to the last two quotes. Although, I did appreciate the red bull/BS double entendre. And the nucleus line was a nice touch, but the wilderness/cornrolls bit is a little underwhelming. I think the concept could be reworked. The phrasing seems off.

A slideshow with such amuse, confines hierarchy to Fade nations,
Inflation! if continued traits, summoning a cesspool into dilapidation...

^ Hmmm...I'm not mad at that at all. Nice way to close this thing out. It's like a summation of the entire verse and it unifies the topic and content. It was pretty crisp.

Overall: Obviously the first half didn't start out with a bang and there were grammar issues throughout that stagnated the read. On the other hand there were parts I really liked. You had areas with solid flow and clever plays. You also had an informative and relevant message that encompassed the entire read. I like your style. It's direct, honest, and unapoligetic. Most importantly, it's meaningful. Improvements are need but overall it was a nice verse.
L.E.

To begin...Great topic. I love the picture and the title is dope. Ok. here we go...

Shadows of mind...Deep, but curse them all to the gallows of time!
Forward is my current, surely as the ripples and shallows entwine

^Cool flow. Decent imagery, actually, there wasn't much imagery at all. Just a very abstract and poetic intro. Not bad tho.

Hallowed design: my ship causing rifts, shifts, and fallacies smit!
Spherical, blur in the night, dispersion of light as the galaxies split.
No blasphemy, tricks, or chemical propulsion haphazardly mixed,
Escaping the home planet, only known as where the tragedy sits...
...No! NO more thoughts of the spot and the BASTARD and kids!
The disaster would have been faster, he should thank his ASS that he lives

^I'm not all the way catching the imagery. It's kind of coming in spurts, which is cool with me, because I'm really enjoying the way you've weaved your flow together in a tapestry like scheme anyway. In fact, if this verse was more of a statement type piece, instead of a direct story based theme I wouldn't be hounding you so much about the "imagery". Still tho, as it stands, I am able to visualize a sufficient amount of the content to follow the story. So props.

A flashing light, against the white it is bright: "Madam, I watch your temperature rise."
A dribble of sweat from my eyes, and it floats through the ship to the vents in the plies.
"I suggest you get some rest," the gentle voice of the computer continues,
My eyelids are shut. "For your mission, you will need all the strength that is in you."
The ship flutters through voids...energetic combustion was like thunder deployed.
But no sleep would find my limbs, as memory found what had left my brother destroyed.
Shattered and battered, the demons of the planet and the havoc they wreak...
...Damaged and weak, but soon it will be fixed when I found the planet I seek!

^ BOOM! Now that's what I'm talking about. Dope flow, sick scheme, and cinematic imagery with a little touch of perspective to add flesh to the character. This segment was thoroughly enjoyed.

A flashing light, against the white it is bright: "Madam, I watch your temperature rise."
A dribble of sweat from my eyes, and it floats through the ship to the vents in the plies.
"I suggest you get some rest," the gentle voice of the computer continues,
My eyelids are shut. "For your mission, you will need all the strength that is in you."
The ship flutters through voids...energetic combustion was like thunder deployed.
But no sleep would find my limbs, as memory found what had left my brother destroyed.
Shattered and battered, the demons of the planet and the havoc they wreak...
...Damaged and weak, but soon it will be fixed when I found the planet I seek!

^ Wait I'm not getting a definitive answer on who this "bastard" actually is. It's not her brother, right? I'm confused. OAN: the flow was great. The imagery was vivid. I could see thru the eyes of the protagonist...so as Emily often says, you put me there. Front row seat. Another dope excerpt.

Descent into skies! Cloaked, it would be a subtle approach,
Surely they would recognize a friendly if the subject was close!
I land in an opening, as I cover my face with a mask,
Vacate from my craft, stand, in yellow blades of the grass.
I raise my helmet as I see red and blue lights approaching me fast!
They must bring a coach, as the black vehicles are closing the gaps!
But something is wrong...they surround me, countless people in fives...
Weapons drawn...as they open fire, I see the same evil from his eyes...

^ Who's eyes? The cop or COPS as in more than one person or the bastard's eyes? LOL...don't mind me. I could nit-pick the grammar, but fuck it, because at the end of The day the shit was dope. I like how much of it seems to be thought out and how that thoughtfulness brings the scenario into a plausible reality.

The betrayal complete...my body falls from the human rifles exposed!
The cycle had been fulfilled, as I know now it is from their likeliness we had rose...

^ You lost me there. I'm still confused as to who the villain was. Who is this 'bastard'? I need to know...fuck! Lol. Anyway, I'm guessing you're trying to say humans are some how responsible for all the inherit evil in the galaxy??? I'm just guessing...tho...I'm sure that's not what you are implying? Or maybe you are saying police are? If so I do agree. Lol

Overall: This was a great read. It played out like a movie. Perhaps not perfect (the villain?). The beginning was okay, but as I read-on the pace and the vividness increased and created an incredibly thrilling read. Dope drop.

Vote: L.E.

This was a nice battle. Rev had a great message and solid wordplay, but ultimately suffered due to grammatical issues. Whereas L.E.'s verse was pure excitement on a Hollywood scale. Either way both of you guys did your thing. Good shit!

Peace...

[Sammy]

So I take it Sabin is an official no show?

Revelation
as usual, you have a very poetically cryptic execution to your verse and often reward multiple reading so that's just what I did. Copying self, i'm gonna break it line by line although its not a habit i'd like to repeat but I think to truly explore this verse something like this is necessary.

..In a scale of disarray, weighs our Cerebral composure,
If life is truly a bitch, she reeks in debt whomever Odor,

I actually like the opening. the Odor/owed her wordplay was very well executed imo. good opening to the dissertation.

Add salt to the wound, yet battered skins to an frail ingredient,
Such a lie, if I squeeze reality will a trail saturate via bleeding it?

I think you mean to say "to a", yeah? nice poetry in that first line, btw. The second of the couplet I think needed a comma after "reality". Imagery was great but it made no sense to me. will a trail saturate via bleeding it? what is the "it" in reference to? the trail? if so...how..and most importantly...WHY?? no you, i'm sure you had some abstract reasoning behind the line.

We're FED the propaganda, eating warrants onto subpoena plates,
As we walk by faith, till our entrails' slant width to eviscerate,

great imagery and poetry in that opening line and I like the double entendre on "fed" but if you think about it...the metaphor doesn't really parallel the actuality of a court procedural. Ok so you are served a subpoena (plate analogy makes sense there) but why would you eat the warrant? I'd likened warrant to garnish and sentences/punishment as the physical object one would "eat" lol. Very cool imagery but metaphor just doesnt' work for me, idk. The second portion I couldn't make sense. entrails' slant width?? to eviscerate? Personification is a great tool but I think it has to work with the overall comment, nah mean?

So the rest of the verse was mostly verbose neopoetry with some brilliant ideas and some not so brilliant ideas behind it. I love the statutory rape couplet and loathe the Bull wordplay lol. Flow-wise it was decent. scheme wasn't too mind blowing but rhyme selections were pretty good and I can see the effort. so kudos on that.

L.E
great opening man. it reminds me of space odyssey where the nigga was going through space and time at incredible speed lol. I fuck with the idea and the story man. My only gripe was that I felt a few of the wording were kind of weird. "no sleep would find my limbs" "countless in fives"? With that minor bruise out the way, I do have a lot to like about this. Story progressed very naturally. An astronaut is escaping her home planet due to corruption or self destruction and finds herself on different planet that holds much of the same destructive value. The way it tied into the title was very creative. The scheme was better than your opponent so that's a plus for me. I'm a fan of twilight zone and the little moral/ethical ironic twist at the end reminds me of quite a few Twilight Zone episodes lol so kudos.

Vote: L.E. I thought he did more with the topic. Revolution did a very cliché commentary on societal fuckups but without any creative touch that will make it stand out from the rest. This nigga L.E. combine cinematic with a very strong core message of "destruction is a force of nature's cycle". well done to both though.

[143]

Rev

Man you showed up big time. I like the approach you took with this. The representation, the juxtaposition in the rational of the degregation of not only certain situations but as life as a whole. As the abstract king on this site, I got the deepness that you brought and how you highlighted its edges creating the imagery. I know some can say that the lines are a little long but I think with the content and the delivery it was perfect as it was meant to be slow. The only thing that I would say it that when you have something that is good as this, bump up on the length because you really had some strong wording that could have a bigger impact in the verse.

L

Kudos to using two topics with this as this was my intention to see if some could pick this up. I seen a lot of your drops and I have to say with this one you came better as usual. You really attacked the topics making them a cohesive mix that makes for a captive reading. The storytelling comes off movie like and the visuals in this were cinematic. If I had to really be picky about this drop it would be that you made a few shots of the environment as it would set up the commentary and actions of the character more. Maybe delving in the background that brought this situation to light. Other than that, I fell in this verse with the greatest of ease.

Vote L.E

Rev had a powerful verse with some strong imagery but I think the brevity didn't give it enough room to flourish to it's full potential.

[143]

L.E wins 3-0