Rules and Regulations
Please note the due times in the rules. Be on time, and as always, good luck!
Rules and Regulations
Please note the due times in the rules. Be on time, and as always, good luck!
Legendary Song - Winter Snow
Check. G'luck.
Ditto, best of it
"Ready? go! sat where the old cardboard city folk
swap tales with heads like every other penny throw"
I may need a slight extension. I'll be busy tomorrow night.
Word
"Ready? go! sat where the old cardboard city folk
swap tales with heads like every other penny throw"
http://i55.tinypic.com/sltksw.png
He is living life fearlessly without any sign of hopeless regrets,
Advancing two steps so he can exercise his mind till it forgets
Money and fame was all that was chased as he made his great escape
Broke out his shell and left it with his past and predetermined fate
Every decision that made would only seize to be an unburdened scratch
The scars were filled in as every child looked up and tried to match
He’s presence caused chills, he was that rabbit picked out of the hat
Tossed his way through the line as he displaced himself from the back
The hopeless days that filled his brain with thoughts of what he lacked
Are now left cracked and tossed away as he gives birth to his new pact
He threw his body on the line to accomplished every idea on his mind
Offered a challenge against time as he fought and cause his body crime
To create the perfect masterpiece that a body could internally endure
Throwing anabolic medicinal substances that were able to eternally cure
His goal was to take form of a God, to influence his own type of human
They followed his path of freedom so that they can defile any sight of losing
Except... he was unaware of all the dangers that had camped before him
The risks began hoarding and calling before all the stakes started to soar in
All the money and fame thrown away as pity and shame was expressed
The goal to be the best was nothing short of being less than what we expect
People mourned to pay respect but his inspiration only lived another week
His brother wept and couldn’t speak as the media made profit from all the heat
He’s heart stopped functioning and finally released the displeasured pressure
All the best together spent in a quest to acquire and endeavour the treasure
A story of how a boy who once lived wanted to reach the fame,
And tells the life of a boy who was exposed at the peak of the game
The Adventures of
LOCKE AND KEYES
Meet Doc. Locke, Pinstripe, Top Hat type bloke-
with his handkerchief half out, shaft: gold; handle: oak,
hand on his wristwatch - Tik-tok: it won't stop,
whittlin' away the distance of birthplace to his death plot,
echoes of coffin rot traverse his troublesome dreams,
side by side complexity with this "dying" thing,
but its not in vain - he's a valiant reader,
hungers knowledge - thirsts for that ether,
he's scared smart - a petrified intelligence,
mapped in mannerisms and quiet edicts,
mortality deficit demands hopes dismemberment
he has all the answers, but no scope for the question bit
he's got all the right information -
...but no direction to measure with.
Meet Lady Keyes, his lively, sprite like side kick
with her psych-"ish" intuit and righteous wits
a bit of a ditz- but a knack for logic n' reason
stacked with optimism like the spring and summer seasons
she's reachin' for a goal, living for the chase
because life's a competition, she's phent to win the race
in a hurried display - inch by inch she strains
power in her flanks - inquiry in the brains
poor at that bookwork - barren the details
penny for that thought, but the memory fails
she has all the questions, but no scope to answer with
she's got all the right conviction -
...but no context to think it in.
No matter how stubborn the Locke, given the right Keyes,
a turn of good luck -
and what's been trapped, finally breaks free.
Last edited by Malice; August 17th, 2011 at 03:42 AM
"Ready? go! sat where the old cardboard city folk
swap tales with heads like every other penny throw"
not bad....decent concept for the picture chosen....good flow, consistent story....decent read....i think it may could've been portrayed a little clearer what he was going through....what exactly did he do....He is living life fearlessly without any sign of hopeless regrets,
Advancing two steps so he can exercise his mind till it forgets
Money and fame was all that was chased as he made his great escape
Broke out his shell and left it with his past and predetermined fate
nice first 4, well worded and good flow
Every decision that made would only seize to be an unburdened scratch
The scars were filled in as every child looked up and tried to match
He’s presence caused chills, he was that rabbit picked out of the hat
Tossed his way through the line as he displaced himself from the back
The hopeless days that filled his brain with thoughts of what he lacked
Are now left cracked and tossed away as he gives birth to his new pact
He threw his body on the line to accomplished every idea on his mind
Offered a challenge against time as he fought and cause his body crime
To create the perfect masterpiece that a body could internally endure
Throwing anabolic medicinal substances that were able to eternally cure
His goal was to take form of a God, to influence his own type of human
They followed his path of freedom so that they can defile any sight of losing
Except... he was unaware of all the dangers that had camped before him
The risks began hoarding and calling before all the stakes started to soar in
All the money and fame thrown away as pity and shame was expressed
The goal to be the best was nothing short of being less than what we expect
another good open to the second portion
People mourned to pay respect but his inspiration only lived another week
His brother wept and couldn’t speak as the media made profit from all the heat
He’s heart stopped functioning and finally released the displeasured pressure
All the best together spent in a quest to acquire and endeavour the treasure
A story of how a boy who once lived wanted to reach the fame,
And tells the life of a boy who was exposed at the peak of the game
VS...
The Adventures of
LOCKE AND KEYES
Meet Doc. Locke, Pinstripe, Top Hat type bloke-
with his handkerchief half out, shaft: gold; handle: oak,
hand on his wristwatch - Tik-tok: it won't stop,
whittlin' away the distance of birthplace to death plots,
i love the structure, all the punctuations make it clearer to understand the flow....good placement...
echoes of coffin rot traverse his troublesome dreams,
side by side complexity with this "dying" thing,
but its not in vain - he's a valiant reader,
hungers knowledge - thirsts for that ether,
he's scared smart - a petrified intelligence,
mapped in mannerisms and quiet edicts,
mortality deficit demands hopes dismemberment
he has all the answers, but no scope for the question bit
he's got all the right information -
...but no direction to measure with.
Meet Lady Keyes, his lively, sprite like side kick
with her psych-"ish" intuit and righteous wits
a bit of a ditz- but a knack for logic n' reason
stacked with optimism like the spring and summer seasons
she's reachin' for a goal, living for the chase
because life's a competition, she's phent to win the race
in a hurried display - inch by inch she strains
power in her flanks - inquiry in the brains
poor at that bookwork - barren the details
penny for that thought, but the memory fails
she has all the questions, but no scope to answer with
she's got all the right conviction -
...but no context to think it in.
No matter how stubborn the Locke, given the right Keyes,
a turn of good luck -
and what's been trapped, finally breaks free.
i think this was a more originial concept and how it was put together...good story, loved the structure....more interesting read....gave descriptions of the two personalities....
vinzr hada good drop but it got kind of boring...it wasnt a lot of LIFE to his as was malice's
vote = malice
The Birth Of Creation
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Storyteller | Cr@$h | JMS | Meth | Celph Taut | Messiah | Bstill | Fatal
This had a very monotone, the rhyme scheme was fine it was a littl bland tho, and the heavy off-rhyme usage was really the dampering factor I believe. Also a little stretched, which made this read much longer than it had to be. The content itself wasnt bad either tho I dont think it had the clarity I expect from u. The picture really didnt add anything to this so this is only ok to me.
Malice very interesting concept to a very cliche topic. I was wondering how someone would tackle this. This was very creative tho I think the content was lack luster it fed everything so quickly and there just wasnt quite enough imagery to me. The last stanza really i think edged u out on this one.
No matter how stubborn the Locke, given the right Keyes,
a turn of good luck -
and what's been trapped, finally breaks free.
"stubborn" was really nice, the double meaning was slick
vote malice for a more developed concept
"the ink of a scholar, is worth a thousand times more, than the blood of a martyr"--lupe fiasco
"I'm sonnin' ya'll like father's day/disrespect pop and get popped like Marvin Gaye" Skillz
WRITTEN VOICES
Vinzr, your piece wasn't bad by any means, just lacked depth in my opinion, felt a bit bland and missed some great opportunities. It feels like you rushed this or maybe you weren't as into as your topic as you should have been. The content itself was interesting, with different word choice and shorter lines it could have been a little more polished and enjoyable.
Malice, enjoyed this thoroughly. Definitely an interesting angle to take and your .. execution while quite weird .. it worked with this piece. You had a lot of clever double entendres that really made the piece, some simple yet effective metaphors and blah blah it was pretty dope.
Overall, Malice had a smoother read and a better execution and yea v/ Malice.
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the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.
Vinzr: I really like where you extrapolated this picture to, conceptually I thought it was nicely done, interesting take on the picture. Your rhyme scheme really stood out to me, or rather, lack of complex rhyme scheme. You had a hand full of multis used at the end rhymes but I didnt see any internals in this piece, which is a shame because I know you can drop a verse with a stellar rhyme scheme. Content wise, I found it very enjoyable, very strong imagery and the detail was well done. Your vocabulary strength and word choice were great, it flowed quite well despite the rhyme scheme. Overall I liked this piece.
Malice: I'm going to start with what I didn't like, or felt could have been better: the rhyme scheme. That's it, I thought it could have been more complex but whatever. Everything else about it was awesome. This verse was just sizzling with creativity, I mean holy shit Malice, how'd you come up with this concept? Your word choice is phenomenal, it flowed very well, with the exceptions of a few spots I thought sounded awkward but they came very early in the verse, all is forgotten. Literally, I have the memory of a gold fish. Great imagery and such vivid detailing to create the picture. The concept and content were crazy and so well executed. I really like how you brought it together at the end too, it just polished everything off, top notch verse Malice.
Vote: For an edge in creativity and story telling,
Malice
Last edited by trajik; August 17th, 2011 at 10:25 PM
infektedpenz
Vinzr, thought you had a solid verse here, I like the concept you took on with the picture, was pretty creative, but for some reason it never really took off for me, it was just okay for me the whole way through far as the content, I wanted some more action in there, or more to the story itself to make it a bit more interesting, but overall was a nice read.. Malice, really liked the concept you did here, like how you connected things at the ends of the first two stanzas, you connected things together real well in this piece, even down to the structure/rhyme scheme, at times I felt better/different wording could have been done, like it was just slightly forced at times, but overall I liked this verse a lot, liked the way everything tied together and how you ended it.. I have to say Malice had the better overall read imo, just was a bit more creative all around, nice battle..
VOTE: MALICE
vinzr: just to get this out of the way, you should read over your verses before posting em. lotta grammatical errors here. it doesn't hurt your piece imo, but others might think it does. your verse seemed pretty standard until the end, when you revealed that twist, and then i saw that you actually had a very clever take on the picture. there were some clever/creative lines throughout your verse that added flavor to it, but a lot that didn't do much for me.
malice: your concept seemed like it might be kinda corny when i first saw what you did with it, but the fact that you had such a grasp on your characters and were able to explain them in such detail made it really interesting. that was the high point of your verse. the closer, tied in with the characters you used, was creative as well.
v/ malice for more creativity and generally better writing.
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Malice wins (8-4)
Vinzr loses (7-7)
CLOSED
Legendary Song - Winter Snow
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