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Rules and Regulations
Please note the due times in the rules. Be on time, and as always, good luck!
Legendary Song - Winter Snow
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Last edited by Art.; June 20th, 2011 at 09:37 PM
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Drunken Sorrow
Reflecting on last weeks tragedy, Correcting the facts each had for me.
Critiqued a verse finding problems in my words and pretending that didnt rattle me,
Like a damn axe hacking me. The Champ match i had it see,
now i stand back, watch and let my hands clap but actually;
I'm sitting in room, thinking about the casualty, damn.
Sit envisioning the moon, knowing how small i actually am.
Fall tripping into doom, hoping trying to gather me a plan
and listening to tunes, knowing now i have to be a man.
At the bar i order a shot, facts are hard i feel spoiled, i rot
My emotion rolling out of controll and rising over the top.
Tears run down my face, and all the fears i now engage,
Composure's rage in his feedback on my verse clearly has to change.
While others praised each word, but the pain seemed worse
all of the honor i received was critiqued, changed, reversed.
Each hit made me hurt, i guess theres flaws that come with the fame
putting me down like its something to gain, another drink numbs all the pain....
But
I realize nothing has changed, these lies now covered my face
What was i thinking, that drinking could help i must be fucking insane.
I ask for a check at bar, lifes fast people dont respect who you are
souls just left in the dark, thinking about what set us apart.
Mariah was on fire when she entered the thread
she respected a friend, i was lost in the thoughts sent from her head
each word had never been said, she was so clever instead
of just rhyming words in a giant verse she wrestled with her nerves in her bed.
now i learned and regret, why i didnt do the same
feeling confused and lame, trying to find new ways to use my brain.
now I'm choking to breathe, while I'm hoping to speak
Gotta come with more fire than i gave Mariah i battle Token this week.
Thats when i pay for my drinks leave the bar put my pen to the page
Sit in the dark stay and just think, til i feel some kind of spark has been change
I dont even ask for my change, bartender looks and laughs in my face
sees me grabbing my page, and words circling and wrapping my brain.
No longer is this weight on my shoulders. stronger feels like I'm breaking these boulders
The words in my verses go together perfect, I'm not nervous the shaking is over.
Not escaping this culture but its easier to fill up this page when I'm sober.
Brain flaming now. blood rushing warming my body no longer feeling colder.
Now i keep my head up to the sky and will never let up til i die
the past is the past and i look up to to the heavans and i cry
Thank you Thank you, for helping me over come this veteran ride
i promise to bring passion in my verse and let my rhetoric fly!
Thats when i leave my bar stool say "Excuse me don't mind me"
Look up to the sky to thank God again as the bar door closes behind me
And as the bar door closes I feel my smile so warm it can melt some one
Walking into the distance i can hear the bartender say " Yes, Well done son."
-
Last edited by Art.; June 19th, 2011 at 08:18 PM
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http://i51.tinypic.com/jubzwz.png
A statistic of the ghetto, he was born into poverty
forced into robbery because his family couldn't afford their property
far from foreign to mockery, bullies plagued him consistently
while his mom spent her last cent to the lottery on Christmas Eve
wishing he'd been able to help, he quickly rose to the top
growing his stocks, money was flowing from the hottest clothes to a yacht
toasting his plot, he announced he'd take care of their debt
promising beamers and vettes & their share of his jet
He's been blessed with success, yet cursed in reverse
each woman he'd wine & dine left him worse in his hurt
worthless in search of a companion, his soul shattered more
each eye lash that battered would floor him to a world scattered in war
battling for amour, love seemed so distant from his grasp
was it something he missed in his past that left him tightly gripping his flask
dripping in glass, diving deep into his drinks he was drowning
surrounding himself in his work though he couldn't think to be counting
all of the money he earned meant nothing to a woman's passion
the flashing cash wasn't enough to leave them hooked in fashion
The liquid courage kept him brave, but at his health's expense
even though a small country could live off his wealth in tenths
his body is reposessing his loan, as he looks to the sky above
they say money can't buy happiness, but the real truth is it can't buy love
Token - this read was alright. Nothings major that stood out here. Although it was sound and verything was done right. I feel that this piece lacked depth and some of the transsitions or development of the storyline seemed rushed to me. I woul'd have liked more detail and more intense emotion to illustrate just how much of an issue it was to have everything but have you heart burn to ashes due to lack of love. Overall, good piece.
Marvelous - this opened up nicely with some pretty decent imagery of the tipical drunk washing down his sorrow. You had some interesting ideas going on for you there even though i didn't pick the essence of it all. It felt pretentious in places but perhaps this was more of a fun read. Are you honestly that determined to winning your battles that you'd actually pray and thank the heavens? Overall not a bad plot would have just liked to see another execution and correction of typos.
This was close but for the sake of consistancy and overall more polished verse; Token
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Scytsophrenia
On that next level.. but STILL fuckin' crazy.
[soundclick]7321513[/soundclick]
Marvelous: I loved this piece, good concept, great story telling with strong emotion and imagery. A great rhyme scheme created a smooth flow, I quite enjoyed the multis and internals in this piece.
Token: This was a good piece, pretty good story with good imagery and emotion. I didn't feel as connected as I did to Marvelous' piece though. I liked your rhyme scheme better, great multis and internals, great flow to boot.
Vote: I enjoyed reading Marvelous' verse more, and felt more connected to it.
Marvelous
Last edited by trajik; June 20th, 2011 at 05:37 PM
infektedpenz
Marv long and deliberated token short and sweet iight... marv you came decent with your verse not the best but certainly not the worst and by things ive read you are improving but i felt like this verse you got here was sorta short on things like the diction threw me for a loop a bit like it felt ranted more than story based then it picked up but the wording and the content in this was just awkward in places like it read to be jagged so i couldnt catch a steady flow and token the story was cliche' but the cleanliness of your flow and diction is what won me over cause your intact with your content and your not trying to fit things that dont belong nice shit it read well and not too shabby short but to me good enough for the W.
ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE
I liked both verses, but enjoyed Marv's more, seems he spent more time on it, token kept his short and didnt let his story expand as much, but i liked how he ended his piece, I liked the spin Marv had on the topic he chose though, was pretty cool, both had a solid flow and use of multis n what not, most catagories were pretty even, i just enjoyed Marv's piece a bit more..
VOTE: MARVELOUS
Marvelous - Great piece man, since week one you've really taken strides with your topical game. I think you did well as far as mechanics goes - your flow was tight, internals and multis were definitely there and you had a pretty nice rhyme scheme. I thought the overall story wasn't too bad, but I think you could have gone a bit...more into it in some way.
Token - For what you had here, you did pretty damn well. Sometiems I feel it's hard for a short piece to really hit you but your one did. I found your verse to be quite heavy with emotion which I really liked as it brought the whole topic and message onto the reader. For the concept you had, a longer piece would have probably worked to your advantage though. I think everything else you did real well.
v/ Token - close one but I'll give it to him as his verse just hit me harder.
Marv: This was an interesting verse. I've never read something in here that is self-aware like this is. That is to say, a verse in SS about competing in SS. It definitely had a charm to it, since all of us in here can relate to those feelings. However, I can't help but say it came off a little corny to me. There were elements of melodrama, too, like the part about being pissed about losing and then thinking of your insignificance while staring at the moon. I appreciate what you were going for, but I just don't think you pulled it off with the sincerity and originality that it needed. Mechanically, it was on-point for the most part, but yeah, wasn't feeling the content too much, especially from the perspective of the topic.
Token: ok, so the story here was fairly generic - a kid with no money works hard to get a lot of money, only to find that it didn't cure his unhappiness. Nothing to write home about, in all honesty, though it did fit the picture very well, which I enjoyed. But yeah, definitely not your strongest verse either.
Vote: Token. Perhaps I'm being overly critical because I'm tired, but I think both of you underperformed. However, Token's verse matched his topic better, and his writing was just a slight cut above Marv's.
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I have to close these, sorry that it's a 1 vote difference guys.
Token wins (5-1)
Marvelous loses (3-3)
CLOSED
Legendary Song - Winter Snow
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