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Thread: Patiently Waiting

  1. #1
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    Patiently Waiting

    Patiently Waiting

    Its nearly midnight,
    The sky is as dark as it can be,
    The moon shining the brightest as it had ever been,
    Maybe it was trying to show me something,
    I was waiting for my love to come home,
    From work, so we can make love,
    As we never would have,
    To try and connect with each other,
    Like never before,
    Today was the day,
    That we would do that,
    We felt as if, No one
    Can break us apart, As if
    We were the suns’ to each others’ Earth,
    We needed each other,
    Ive been sitting here for nearly,
    An extra hour, As she should’ve
    Been home by now.
    But, Im guessing she
    Stopped by the grocery store
    To pick some stuff up
    To make this night
    More memorable
    Than it was going to be
    So I called her to make sure
    She didn’t answer
    It went to voicemail
    I called for a second time
    It went straight to voicemail again
    I called for a third time
    She picked up, but no one answered
    I can hear people talking
    Maybe she answered by mistake
    I heard the two people talking
    Saying to each other,
    how they were going to make love
    I was hurt,
    Hurt like never before.
    Like I was shot by a shotgun
    Straight to my head
    Not letting me have my last breath.
    I was sitting in our house
    Thinking, how all this time,
    Ive been sitting here
    Waiting for her and she never came.
    Never have I been so angry before in my life.
    Never have I wanted to kill someone so bad before.
    Never had I wanted to.
    Until now.
    The day the moon shined the brightest
    Was the night I was going to
    Kill two people
    One that made me
    So angry, that I was forced
    To do something inhumane.
    I started to listen to the
    Phone some more
    I heard moaning and
    My baby saying to the other man
    That I was worthless
    And she used me all along.
    I heard where they were
    So I packed my knife
    Got into my 2003 Nissan Maxima
    And drove away.
    I pulled up to the house
    Searched around for any spectators.
    None in sight,
    I made my move.
    I went through the back door.
    I heard noises and sprinted
    Into the room
    And stabbed two people fiercely
    As I fucking killed these two jerks
    I realized, it wasn’t them
    My wife called me back
    And as a joke
    She explained to me
    That it was a test
    And I passed,
    That she wanted to see if
    I get angry over
    Her not being with me
    And she said I passed.
    If only had I patiently waited
    At home, and
    Let her go
    Had this would’ve never happened
    Had two people wouldn’t have been murdered.
    The moon, was not shining
    As it was before,
    The moon, was a sign.
    That if I stayed home,
    Everything would’ve been alright
    If only had I patiently waited.


    My second piece. Idk feeback appreciated

  2. #2
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: Patiently Waiting

    check he rules, you need 2 links of quality feedback

  3. #3
    Em-UhTh-Double Guh-Ah MuhThugga's Avatar
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    Re: Patiently Waiting

    You're trying to make the story have a deeper impact than it could ever truly achieve. The problem is that you seem to have not really thought out the story, nor have you taken the time to develop any sort of emotion. The "revelation" doesn't hit home with the reader because "patiently waiting" doesn't have anything to do with flying off the handle and going on a killing spree.

    Poetry isn't about telling a story. It is about experiencing the story, and that means using metaphors, symbols, and images in a rhythmic pattern to your advantage. You have the idea of a motif with the moon's luster fading away, but that image needs to be developed. You can't just say that the moon is shining bright. Insert an image surrounding what you want to say. Perhaps something like the man in the moon's laugh growing more menacing and much more potent as the piece progresses? I don't know. It was just something that briefly popped into my head.

    Don't just tell the story because you don't want the reader to just read the story. Poetry is all about getting the audience involved and emotionally attached.

  4. #4

  5. #5
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    Re: Patiently Waiting

    You know what, I liked this, the only problem was it wasn't really a poem, you focused on making the stroyline so deep, rich in imagination and complexity that the reader forgets about everything else and it sort of reads as though your describing a picture, don't get me wrong, you had some decent lines in there when you strayed into a different part of the piece but it wasn't thorough enough. However, considering this is only your second piece you have the imagery down, focus on teaking the emotion and adding some metaphors, something to make the reader go wow and you'll be a decent writer buddy.

    Thankyou for the read,

    Messiah.

    Please hit this piece for me...
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...705/index.html
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  6. #6
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    Re: Patiently Waiting

    This is still a poem no matter what anyone else says.

    I must say... quite direct and to the point on all fronts. Think about it. Sure, we all know whats going to happen. A bit predictable. Nothing showy. No imaginative imagery.

    Just two dead people. Of no concerning value.

    But look... you did tell a story in a short freeformic verse. That counts for something, work from there.

    -

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