Heartbroken

[Outty]

Heartbroken- Rizzo

My first piece ever like this. Critique would be greatly appreciated.

Wordz - What we went through
An Exit

I felt as if, A four foot dagger went piercing through my chest
A voice in my head was telling me that I did not do my best
It kept hitting me and pounding on my head, screaming and yelling
Telling me I had not done my job correctly
It told me I had given no support, and that I can go fuck my self.
I agreed to this voice of nothing but had meant something.
Everything it was telling me was true, As I sat down in the visitor area.
Tears started falling down my eyes,
Thinking, why my life?
Why me? How could this be?
As I arose, thinking as god looked on each side of my nose
Does he see hatred? Denial?
I walk over to the baby's window, and see
That my baby had had only a couple of breaths
Before he died.
And that it was supposed to be in the bed right in front of me
But he lays next to his dead mother
I started crying, screaming, the whole hospital looked at me
A doctor suggest that I see a psychiatrist
I told him to fuck off and go fuck himself
As I was full of anger, ready to kill someone.
All I wanted was to have a nice time with the 2 people I loved most.
But, it didn't happen, So I ran home, I had to flee.
I didn't know what to do, I took the .45
Pulled the trigger, and met with the ones I loved most,
My family.


Feedback appreciated

[CallMePoetry]

Let's see if I can give feed correctly in my first post...

I'm going to break the piece down into 4 line stanzas, as it would be easier for me to critique, and read, exactly what's going on. Without further adieu:

I felt as if, A four foot dagger went piercing through my chest
A voice in my head was telling me that I did not do my best
It kept hitting me and pounding on my head, screaming and yelling
Telling me I had not done my job correctly

I like the imagery here, a very dramatic and personal start to the piece; however, I suggest more descriptive language/adverbs. For instance, "It kept hitting me fiercely and pounding angrily..."

It told me I had given no support, and that I can go fuck my self.
I agreed to this voice of nothing but had meant something.
Everything it was telling me was true, As I sat down in the visitor area.
Tears started falling down my eyes,

Again, very personal... Keeping with the theme of the piece, it connects well. I'm starting to view the piece as prose; it does flow naturally, but as one piece (not broken down) it's harder to make key emotions stick out without moving directly to the next line. That simply means the language should be as descriptive (emotionally, visually, etc) as possible.

Thinking, why my life?
Why me? How could this be?
As I arose, thinking as god looked on each side of my nose
Does he see hatred? Denial?

This is great... Nothing to change here. There is a change in structure, but what you get in return is a deep introspective look into the heart of the piece. I even stopped for a second and pictured a man rising, sorrowfully, looking up and wondering what god really thought. Nice work.

I walk over to the baby's window, and see
That my baby had had only a couple of breaths
Before he died.
And that it was supposed to be in the bed right in front of me

A very heartfelt image... At the beginning of the piece, it was hard to grasp what was causing your introspection and anger -- but from this line forward, it all makes sense. Although I could say the beginning of the piece could lay the tracks for the latter parts -- I like the way that from here on out, after setting the environment in a hospital, you can look over the beginning again and go "Wow... okay, here we go."

But he lays next to his dead mother
I started crying, screaming, the whole hospital looked at me
A doctor suggest that I see a psychiatrist
I told him to fuck off and go fuck himself

Again, the imagery is great here... I can't stress enough the importance of more descriptive language, but for your first piece like this -- it's definitely not taking away from the meaning, imagery, or message thus far. The imagery and emotion makes up for it all... At this point I'm *really* getting into the piece.

As I was full of anger, ready to kill someone.
All I wanted was to have a nice time with the 2 people I loved most.
But, it didn't happen, So I ran home, I had to flee.
I didn't know what to do, I took the .45

A great build-up here... If we stopped right here, no one would have an idea of what you were about to do next... Kill someone else, kill yourself? It's definitely the climax of the piece -- and a great one at that...

Pulled the trigger, and met with the ones I loved most,
My family.

The only thing that I disliked about this part is that it ends a bit abruptly. Although the point, I may suggest describing how you placed the .45 to your temple, your mouth, etc -- it adds emotion and visualization, and with someone reading line-by-line, really gets them to the edge of their seat.

Overall I liked the piece. Aside from adding more descriptive language and *maybe* breaking it down into stanzas or structuring things a bit better, there's not much I can say here. The piece is very emotional and visual, and by the time you get to the end (and if you're like me, read it again from the beginning for full-effect) you're definitely right there next to you...

Keep up the work, and I look forward to reading more of your writing.

[Outty]

Thanks bro really appreciate the feedback and what I should do next time.

[Phoenix.]

Lines are too long in my opinion, messes with the structure. But the content was okay, had a nice storytelling feel to it and the concept has been overused to be honest. The words you used could have been chosen a little more carefully also. Overall the aspect I thought was the biggest + point about this poem is the raw storytelling aspect that you displayed. Stay posting.

[Mantra]

you need links to two pieces you've left quality feed on or this gets closed.

[Outty]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...183/index.html

[Messiah.]

Hmm, this is different to the one i just read which is slightly odd considering you mixed it up more in this your first piece but then focused solely on one aspect of your piece in the next. This was unique in a way though, you had some good ideas out there I thought and they seemed to be in some sort of unison in areas you just need to sort the in betweens out and it will really smash your piece together fantastically giving the piece a more full and meaningful. Keep at it buddy.

Thankyou for the read,

Messiah.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...705/index.html

[Scripter]

wow you made me feel some kinda way It had alot of impact made me think alot about the people I love, I hope I never have to face that fear

All I wanted was to have a nice time with the 2 people I loved most

[Bruce Ban-again]

Oh snap, we got a suicidal one here. Call the suicide hotline...! Nah, just playing. I'm sure you're not really suicidal, but if you are... I can speak from personal experience that writing poetry is a hundred times better for you. Cause you're alive afterwards.

As for your piece... the beginning was weak due to clicheness. Four foot knife in the heart? That's like Michael Jackson song, or line from Twilight movie. But that was it... in fact, after that first line you spit out some liquid silver.

It's like this, there are all kinds of formats, and whether intentional or not you went with the three part dramatica. Also used in comedic monologues, short stories, and other forms of fiction. It goes like this: Beginning, middle, end. Save the best for last, second best for first, and the rest (non-weak) in the middle.

That is what you did, the best was at the end, like it should be. (sometimes)

As far as content... I don't like swear words personally, not that I haven't used them myself. But I've had that voice in my head to for things and in that sense I can relate. All I wanted to do was this, but that happened, so I then I responded...

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