untitled

[NBR]

my memories are commemorated.

the days that passed, so unforgiving
they left us alone, unattended
now i cannot forget our missed understanding
my heart broken and left out, being stranded

by just looking at you, i feel a pain.

Sudden departure, time not wasted
silent leaving, tears i tasted
the bitterness of it all

in the place where my heart used to be.

words are not beautiful
colors are not fragrant

now left only with shards of memories.

it was all a lie

[spokenoh]

This is interesting. For the first poem I've read of yours, it gives a good impression. I particularly like the italicized lines and think you made them work. I would have liked to see you write more with some of those lines, but regardless, the stanzas weren't bad either.
There are some small flaws. The use of 'left' twice in the first stanza is redundant. Also you reiterated the same point over and over - "sudden departure", "silent leaving". I found it to be a little boring because the images were very scarce. The idea is obviously an emotional wrenching, as someone is bitter and hurt because of a failed relationship. It's a bit cliche, and in order to create something new, you have to put something unique into the writing. Whether that is contrasting your emotion and the relationship with something else (like something else you would commemorate) or simply taking a stylistic approach, it would be a better poem. I did think this was good though, for what it was.

[Spekz.]

This poem was hit and miss for me...

as a whole, i lacked cohesiveness and im not exactly sure why. perhaps i felt a lil chance n style throughout or approach. it wasnt terrible as a whole..i just felt it could of been more of a solid piece.. like i said as a whole.

HOWEVER, when i broke it down by stanza i found the message in most of them to be quite powerful...with some pretty good language. i really thing here and there you proved to capture what the whole piece could have been.

All in all - i enjoyed it.. when i took the time to read them individually.

good stuff and keep on writing.