Prey, Pray

[Scripter]

He sent me out as a sheep among the wolves, so now I prey, for another breath another day,
He has given me strength, but has shown me weakness in my ways,
I will strive to stay alive..... Life, an amazing thing
He told me from the first breath I would suffer pains,
touch, feel, and hear in senses, express self through sentences, but dont leave anger caged,
Because the wolves, they are versitile, they also invade your brains,
So now I talk to him, every strole a walk with him, hes my breath my oxygen,
The reason for the changes in my ways, let us Prey!
Lord they travel in packs how will I ever fight back,
(Heart out weighs number in many ways, Stay close its your life that ill save, for I am your sheepard,with my power Ive spared lepers and all I ask is that you talk to me)
looking for links......
Very sad but great read
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...315/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...307/index.html

[djrubiks]

I'd suggest working on your syntax first and for most, if not just for aesthetic reasons. Also the end which is in parentheses which I don't think is really necessary, it might have been more appropriate in quotes or just separated from the rest of the piece, as far as that goes though, do what you want.

The rest is a bit cliche, overall its an ok idea but the sheep/wolves/god thing isn't uncommon. Also its pray not prey, in the sense of the poem the sheep is the prey, a priest, however, does not say let us prey. At first I thought it was supposed to be wordplay but I realize that such was not the case. I also don't know why you said "your brains," it just kind of sounds funny.

hes my breath my oxygen
Is also a bit strange, its obviously clear what you're saying but at the same time a bit redundant. Breath, besides the shit you inhale, also means life, etc. which is essentially the point you're making anyway, I hope that makes sense. Nice attempt, I'd suggest just upping your vocab.

[Soul Slayer]

Not the most fluid of reads here but plenty potential. You could have done without the wolves are versitile line. Most of it was generic and seemed like something i had read before. I sounded like one of those corny ads on TV. You should revise your work and make sure that the content is relevent to the message you are trying to potray. Ofcouse you can use irony but first get the basics and work your way from there. Imagery, metaphors and similies. Soon you will notice the difference.