Dying Black

[Alyse Miller]

Dying black
By: Alyse

Incarcerated in my immaturity I suffer
held back by my ambitions, I wonder
If I had the power over my responsibility.
Dying meaning lifeless, breathless lips,
a silenced heart.
Enslaved in darkness, pitch blindness
as a person I am dying, guilt cutting the edges
of my chances of survival, I weep.
Actions speak louder then my movements
I cannot be heard, I have fallen.
My character suffers from my mistakes
My results takes no prisoners.
Being fit never benefitted my survival
so to the fullest I take responsibility.
Dying is the genesis of death,
Life is the omega of being born.
Black symbolizes strength that I must amend
But I have cower between my self from the truth.
The truth hurts, it killed me, it caught up
Im dying inside I need the strength to move forward,
but unanswered prayers fills my surroundings.
False hope flows my chest my will has died
I have no will to go on.
Only motivation I follow is giving in
my arrogance forbids me to forgive my self.
My road to redemption is paved in glass,
Bloody steps shows my dedication to change.
Listen to my pain, hear my sorrow
if dying is my alternative, then I will face
death accepting fate.
Bright rays of opportunities light
i see the path of righteousness
inside hope is alive.





links:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...989/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...916/index.html

[Messiah.]

Dying meaning lifeless, breathless lips,
a silenced heart.

^ I really liked that... decent semantics of death.

I thought this was a good piece A, really nice emotion about it which set a certain atmosphere to the piece which stayed constant throughout which is always a plus. Your wording seemed simple but not a terrible simple I mean the way you worded it, it just read through so well, a little choppy in places but nothing major at all. Your imagery I thought was great, the best thing about the whole piece in my eyes because you seemed to fit powerful pictures or little ones wherever you got the chance. You drew such a good picture of a desperately pain staked person and built upon it from start to end and finished it quite well. Overall good piece, one of the best i've seen from you, you will become a great writer in the end, solid piece with great emotion, imagery, storyline and descriptions.

-Messy.

[sILLable]

My road to redemption is paved in glass,
Bloody steps shows my dedication to change.

^^loved this part alot

your imagery is very nice,the emotion is so well plaved..i think that death evokes more emotions in humans than anything else,its the one thing we all have to face in the end and its the one thing that were all more afraid of than anything,you made this come together very nicely,it did have some simplicity to it but i dont feel that made this lack in any way,it read easily and stayed on point,it didnt skip around and it didnt stray away from the plot,i thought you did it very nicely,your vocab was right,and you painted a gruesome picture of the negativity of dying black,i think when you said.... "But I have cower between my self from the truth."did you mean to say cowered??doest sound right the way it is,other than that minor detail i have nothing negative to say about it,a very nice poem and its very well written..good job girl.~1~

[Godwasheeeeeeeeeeeeere]

My road to redemption is paved in glass,
Bloody steps shows my dedication to change.

that was great, this whole piece was very well written and really deep, i think ur wording is always beautiful and your content is always meaningful. this is where you excell at. and no one can take that from u, i thought this was really nice

props on this

[dreaming_awake]

This isa beautiful piece. To me it seemed to shift from three different stages. At the beginning it was dark and even somewhat depressing, but closer to the midpoint it shifted from depression to a sense of accepting the darkness, and then finally at the end some sort of salvation in death, such as a rebirth perhaps?
Either way I thought this was beautifully written, and you conveyed quite a bit of emotion in here.


Being fit never benefitted my survival
so to the fullest I take responsibility.
Dying is the genesis of death,
Life is the omega of being born.
Black symbolizes strength that I must amend
But I have cower between my self from the truth.

This was my favorite little section of the piece.....erm you know how I like those uncommon words

[Alyse Miller]

thank yu upping =]

[yungskeeme]

wow...

Enslaved in darkness, pitch blindness
as a person I am dying, guilt cutting the edges
of my chances of survival, I weep.
Actions speak louder then my movements
I cannot be heard, I have fallen.
My character suffers from my mistakes
My results takes no prisoners.
Being fit never benefitted my survival

this was really good. I liked your wording and the pictures you painted for me. This was really good. Keep up the good work

[Alyse Miller]

thanks for the feed uppin =]

[Alyse Miller]

uppie

[Race]

this was a nice peice..emotion, well written

Enslaved in darkness, pitch blindness
as a person I am dying, guilt cutting the edges
of my chances of survival, I weep.
Actions speak louder then my movements
I cannot be heard, I have fallen.

loved this.. great peice

rtf please http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...130/index.html

[Jæk]

Enslaved in darkness, pitch blindness
^great line

you have a great imagination so you could say
your attention to detail is imaculent
elevated on every level

[Alyse Miller]

thankx uppin

[Alyse Miller]

lil more feedie

[Scripter]

very nice like this part kinda hits home

Black symbolizes strength that I must amend
But I have cower between my self from the truth.
The truth hurts, it killed me, it caught up
Im dying inside I need the strength to move forward,

[Scripter]

very nice like this part kinda hits home

Quote
Originally posted by Alyse Flowers'
"Black symbolizes strength that I must amend
But I have cower between my self from the truth.
The truth hurts, it killed me, it caught up
Im dying inside I need the strength to move forward"