.::Legerdemain::.

[Lizman]

Aragon to another of Myth Fallacy of Dawn interfering with the Synch Melody Unborn, Syllabus, to Paladins of Morns, Illicit, Contrary to accept Morality Fillibus of Saladin Torn; Millisent the Bill I Fill as Integer of Skills, my Will Innocent and Still, Militant by Spiel, Der Sills and I Feel the Thrill, Kill Head over Heel, Till Fed X Delivers The Pillars of Magnetism like Niel; Trimodal, the Coherence of Life, Applied to the Vitals, Aside from the Psychos, who Tried to Abide to Likes Of, The Vile who Cry In Sight Of, The Times they Benighted Implied In Fragrance of Seer Organ Donors, Owners, Soar Loners; Roaming Homes That Bones Stored as Plastics Vast Treat of At Least Any Of the Operas, Social Loath in Proposals, from Coast Domes Here I Hear Tomes washing against the Waters, Disasters have their own Songs In Comas

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...560/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...html?p=7332573

[Lizman]

I'll give Expos if needed

[Jamhuri]

yeah, ann expo would be in order. This sounds way deeper than meets the mind (lol)
The rhyme was real tight though. huge multies. I felt that bit.
you could restructure the whole thing though. The prose thing dint work for it, in my opinion.

[Masahiko.]

Yea bro, I read this and your structure is confusing me. Especially the capitalized words it's throwing me off of what your message is. Maybe some footnotes and a structure fix combine with a quick capitalizing fix of most words and I probably would understand it better.

"Aragon to another of myth fallacy of dawn
interfering with the sync melody unborn,
Syllabus, to paladins of Morns, illicit,
Contrary to accept morality Fillibus of Saladin torn;
Millisent the bill I fill as integer of skills,
my will innocent and still, militant by Spiel,
Der sills and I feel the thrill, kill head over heel,
till Fed X delivers the Pillars of Magnetism like Niel;
Trimodal, the coherence of life, applied to the vitals,
Aside from the psychos, who tried to abide to likes of,
The vile who cry in sight of,
The times they benighted implied in fragrance of seer organ donors,
Owners, soar loners;
roaming homes that bones stored as
plastics vast treat of at least any of the operas,
social loath in proposals, from coast domes here
I hear tomes washing against the waters,
disasters have their own songs in comas"

It reads better. This way, and I don't need you to capitalize your rhymes because as I read it I hear the rhymes in my head anyways. Also I feel maybe it was a spoken word type piece, by the rhyming and the comas were EVERYWHERE. As a written piece the comas give me a real choppy read. It sometimes get distracting. And with a crazy vernacular your message needs all the help it can get from the structure and fluidity so It's not so crazy for the reader. I definitely see a good poet in all this, just giving some tips.