yet i wont cry.

[Jamhuri]

'breakups' is written on the worn sweater
she wears in this warm weather.
The sweater seems frayed at all possible seams,
granting her an aura of need,
Deceitful indeed!
My discernful bloodshot eyes, fueled by lack and a giving heart
has had to learn to tell genuine from whack.
So, I know she does not need what she's stretching out her hands for
she already has a handful
and she doesn't deserve mine, too.

But she persists
and the silence between me and her assists to wear me out.
My weary spirit begs my pride to let my eyes
to let go.
(And go to what?
its dark out there, and I never had a backup plan.
Not to say I'm scared, I don't have the energy to run)
I'll maybe opt to give her her due
but it will go with the defiance
that I've been standing on, hanging on to you,
clutching instinctively to your limb hand.

"For her sake, for yours," she begs,
"you have to free yourself from this false strength
it will eat, bit by bit, defeat you
and I'll watch you fall dead, folded,
with the tears you wont let me have frozen in your face;
worthless ice behind lifeless eyes, punchlines in a big love joke.
Let me
help you not to Hiro back and live today in yesteryears
as many do, and waste their years.
Take my hand
and place your tears."

I cant do it.
it will wash away everything.

(a quick write I've just done. just lettin out emotion.)

[Jamhuri]

...Hiro* back. (Hiro Nakomura, from the series 'Heroes'. He teleports and stuff)

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...21#post7317921

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...33#post7303333

[Jamhuri]

what? u folks dont get it?

some feed up in this pleease!

[juliawhispers]

I believe the message of this work is decent - but the flow needs work - the last word in your first few lines are rhymed but the pattern does not persist - almost like you ran out of ideas and rhyming words...

[Jamhuri]

thanks for that.
About the rhyme, yeah it usually is. I dont try to keep it. Its kind of my style.
Peace.

upping.

[abiona]

Enjoyed your first stanza a lot - particularly the opening lines and closing lines of it. Wasn't sold on the use of 'whack'... but the rest set the piece up nicely.

Second stanza was hit or miss.. Some lines were well constructed, some, like this:

My weary spirit begs my pride to let my eyes
to let go.

and the last one... were awkward.

The piece seemed to lose its strength as it progressed. You had a strong opening, but as I read on, it got less clear and didn't seem as well thought out as the start.

I did, however, really like this:

Take my hand
and place your tears."

I cant do it.
it will wash away everything.

[Jamhuri]

thanks for the feed. Appreciated.

a little more responses?

[LiL'LADiE]

i liked this, this words were great, i liked how the fit of the poem was layed out..i liked when you first started out how you put 'break up' that was good, the poem was good to read it didnt make me bored when i was reading it either...the flow could be better, but so far its tight..

[Jamhuri]

thanks Ladie.
this was a pretty personal one. problem is how most heads here view every poem as attempts at style. pretty sad, i think. Im not even sure anyone got the whole idea i was tryna put across.
yet i wont cry, i guess. lol.

[P. Mortuus]

Was this about ....the gril wanting to break-up and you trying not to?

Anyhow, the concept wasn't something great, it's probably personal and as such is all good but it wasn't the main theme that attracted me to this piece, it was rather the wittyiness of the piece, the clever and suitable refrences, the way this piece was smooth was good to. You should join Poet's Society though, due to it being a leauge you're guranateed feedback.

[P. Mortuus]

Was this about ....the gril wanting to break-up and you trying not to?

Anyhow, the concept wasn't something great, it's probably personal and as such is all good but it wasn't the main theme that attracted me to this piece, it was rather the wittyiness of the piece, the clever and suitable refrences, the way this piece was smooth was good to. You should join Poet's Society though, due to it being a leauge you're guranateed feedback.

[LyricallyInclined]

this was a pretty good peice i liked it, the flow was off at spots but the wording was good and the rhyme at first where did it go it faded away

[Jamhuri]

In the poem, i just broke up with my girl and my heart's broken. Im trying not to cry but I feel a realy huge pressure to. Its like pain/anger/selfpity (the 'girl' in the poem) is begging me to cry.
YET I WONT CRY.

clear?

[(dictionary)]

Ok... you started off great i must say... i was admiring your opening.. then the more i read the less intrested i got... i read the whole thing though.. its seems as if you became distracted or boried with your own work... you need to work on your ending... try to keep the reader intrested the entire poem not just the beginning... take a look at my older poems...


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