Poeta demonio vs. Topic

[Poeta Demonio]

Due Monday (Battles are now set wednesday)
Check in by Thursday
The new link rule is 2, Anyone who doesn't follow that will be dq'd from this week onwards.

Have a good week people...

Topic: Desparado of the moon

[Poeta Demonio]

With the IN crowd.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...-392523p2.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ce-392527.html

[Topic]

im in

[Topic]

Desparodo of The Moon

The filth covers this baron land, dirt, musk smell reaching out like a caring hand
Taking what’s not a man’s. Until the masses began to resist to understand
He was clothed with bland, colorless, but he made perfect sense out of this
Crouched in knee deep democracy, hands open, but emerged with fifty fists
Shaking in turns at the filthy lists, at night time only, the light did not kiss
Gently with a good wish. So he gathered masses. Those looking for more
Looking to score, searching through drawers and those eyes wide for a door
To take them to where they were promised by pseudo lore. He was their last try
Leader of the revolution. They called him Crater Face because he had no holes in his lies
A soul in his creation, just shy, But all promised to return with the darkness in the skies
Then there would be no cries, no patron in disguise just change at night time
But when light drives past to the west, dust settled, heart pounding in his chest
Groping his plans. Solidifying his crest he waited some time for the rest
Broken promises bring the bless of having to act alone with his own intentions
Under moon, he couldn’t wait for absent men and began his parade as he went in
Devouring movements, he charged as the royal kin sent him their tone of the defensive
Falling with a split chin, he couldn’t wait for his followers to help to mince them
Laying pensive, regret pounded, but he could see in the distance of what seemed a vision
As the masses summoned, taking their time, beginning what he hoped to be his offensive

[Poeta Demonio]

I need a one day extention dude, sooooo fucking busy this week and just been doing course work perminantly, plus i had to write for that AI battle tonight and it just took it out of me... so i'd really apreciate it dude

[Topic]

no problem i understand I wrote that in my 1885-1990 survey of american history course...time management haha. good luck with your work

[Poeta Demonio]

My eyes roll back, strapped to forced lids
Stretched open by corpse like focus, chocking on
The remains of night as I delve into an ocean
Of insomniac commotion, Not quite awake yet
I still go through the motions, get up, drink
Coffee, but no sleep, these eyes remain open!
The days pass by, the sheets spreading out arms,
Welcome me in, but I can’t give in to its charms,
My only solace is a summer breeze acting as my
Alarm, so until I break free I’ll keep reality hidden
In my palms; People think I’m normal, a little tired
Is their guess, if only they knew that Mr bright eyes
Was actually Mr depressed! A secret smile, staged
If you will, a costume change, a direct opposite of
How I feel; Curtains locked together no matter
Time of day nor weather, it’s an escape from the
Pain, a chance to salvage remains of this severed tether
I learnt to cope through what ever the situation,
Grew impatient of waiting for things to change,
So I go with the programme, even though my brains
Been re-arranged into a solitary cage;
I was made this way, designed by architects of rage,
They tortured my childhood and cracked the picture
Frames… I maimed myself with razor blades to wipe
Away the memories, but I dug so deep I found
Out I was in fact my worst enemy! I’m a slave to the
Night, forged image reflected by candle light, and engorged
With-in my image is a shadow of truth, a silent moving force
That reminds you of… you…
We’ll all wondering this world alone and confused…
Difference is, I except my role as desperado of the moon.

[Steven William]

Topic -
First and foremost, before I even began reading I drew the conclusion that your lines were excessively long. Upon reading, it still flowed but it was basic, and choppy in some places - still it was very stretched even to be read. Aside from that, imagery was nice and on point - emotion wasn't lacking but it wasn't really hitting him either. THe approach to the topic was something different, so I'll give you that - it wasn't exactly what I was expecting, so kudos. It seems as though you tried to pack too much into too little amount of lines, there's not really a line limit; don't ruin your flow and stretch lines to try to compact your verse dude.

Poeta -
I expect dope drops from you every week and I get something sub-par, or half of it's dope but something lacks. Your rhyme scheme, and flow are probably going to get confusing to some heads in this league because not everyone realizes you DON'T have to rhyme at the end of a bar. Personally, I felt when I didn't catch myself looking for that end rhyme, everything in this fit together and flowed fluidly. Imagery was nice here, it conveyed your approach on the topic well, but it seems as though the piece was kind of scattered - the two closing lines may have saved it for you. Nice emotion throughout aswell.

A suggestion to both of you; start working multis into your pieces, and both should work on your aspects of delivery, technicals. Multis, rhyme scheme, and flow.

v.Poeta

[HighEngineChief]

Topic -
You had a pretty good rhyme scheme and some dope areas even though the flow was a little long winded and the font was too small. This felt like a strongly progressing piece that needed to build and build momentum, which you did pretty well through out most of it, but where it really lacked is where most of these kinds of pieces do, the end. It was too abrupt, there wasn't any closure and what's worst is that in the end it reflects on how much I didn't understand about the story itself. I liked the imagery and rhyme scheme, even the energy was good - but the finish was disapointing.

Poeta -
This was a dope drop, not your best or the most you could have done with this topic but you still came with some sick imagery with dark metaphores, you really set the perfect tone here. The language is cool, appropriate for the tone, you had some nice word choices and even though you didn't rhyme within a pattern, you used the proper punctuation in most places and it made the flow real smooth so good job there - not like in IE, no punctuation = wtf? / lol Great Job!

V/ Poeta

[Johnny 6-feet]

Topic- It took me 2 reads, but i think i figured out what this piece was about it was a solid take on the topic but not really reader-friendly, the vocab was complex and imagery was decent but fractured. It felt like you were jumping erratically from one metaphor to another which just made the whole thing hard to follow. I can see you've got a lot of potential topical ability from this verse, you just need to keep a little more in touch with the 'reality' of the piece and stop overstretching your lines.

Poeta- An insomniac huh? I liked that as a take on the topic and you brought it to life with consistently strong imagery and a smooth rhyme scheme, which threw me initially because you didn't drop rhymes at the end of some lines, but once i got into it it worked fine. The vocab was solid, not over the top and you finished the piece with a nice little closing statment which brought the piece together. Good work.

Vote- poeta, just a better all round drop.

[Poeta Demonio]

3-0 poeta wins