Wk03 - Thomas vs. Jonathon

[fastforwords]

Sacred Scriptures Week 03

24. Thomas vs. 25. Jonathon

Verses due: Monday, March 26th 2007.
Voting ends: Friday, March 30th 2007.

Please vote on 3 battles.

Goodluck

[Messiah.]

Hmm. Checkity.

[Jon]

check.. watch me lose. =/

[Jon]

One's trash, is another's treasure

Lost...
Roaming the streets, strolling to find something to eat
I've been pleading for weeks, knowing I'm growing weak
Exhausted from heat, to tired to run from all this madness
Digging around in the trash, crawling about like I'm savage
Homeless, with no where to go, I've grown up in this hole
My problems are my own, not even god will accept this soul
Stay anti-social, 'I won't hurt you, please don't be scared'
The phrase coming out a teenage mouth, to be compared
With others, nothing alike because I'm hidden from sight
Spent half my life trying to survive running from the light

And...
In my life, nothings been handed to me, fending for myself
So I've learned to cope with it, and I let my mind swell
Thinking of many ways, over days and days of pain
It was my destiny to live life; I could feel it through my veins


Found...
Things got better; Mother Nature knew I loved the weather
Found some food, leather boots, and a nearly perfect sweater
Life was good on the paved bed and cardboard roof called home
And if I could, I'd save the hair lost off of my bald dome
I've grown old, known to have a cold tone, that'd rattle your bones
When reality spoke, you take things for granted, I've never owned
Like phones, food, a place to sleep, a halfway decent week
I thought doom would catch me, but at last I've met my peak
An old mattress, a few boards from a doghouse and a hammer
Could give me shelter for months, give or take the glamour
My life has hard times that I try to deal reasonably with
And I'll live life to the fullest, until I die and lay stiff...

[Messiah.]

Music and Lyrics.

The scripts fall onto the table
i pull the quill from the ink
i draw my symphony upon the lines
and dwell with tears upon the notes.

The key sound drifts across the room
the piano sound soft, nice to consume.
The rhythm runs through my veins
Music junky, My adrenaline reigns.
I weild emotion into the piece
the notes flow and the piano release

The music wilts steadily but surely
Im'a drug addict and my lyrics dip poorly.
Hit or miss, thats how i had to cope
To please young people: that was my hope
they questioned my work, again on a downward slope.
I can't seem to win so i fall back to drugs
it took me ten years to do it but i got back on track.

The 80's and 90's flew by
I hit with Quincy Jones
We harboured the stage
made tears with our soft tones.

2004 i gave my last performance then signed out
yes i left a memory to all without a doubt.
June 10th the drugs caught up with me, and i bid goodbye,
Surrounded by my family and loved ones,
my closed eyes shut, i lie back and die.

R.I.P Ray Charles.

http://recently.rainweb.net/modls/bl.../10_2233_0.jpg

[P. Mortuus]

Hmmm..not to fond of this battle, both of you seem as if you either didn't try or the topics weren't of your particualr taste idk...anyhow, Jon your verse was aight, it was quite dull thought, you should spice it up with more imagery , like intense description that could really get the reader in idk....Thomas...man what was this, you seemed to lose rythm at points and at others it seemed as if you yourself found no ejoyment in writing this piece man.

\/ Jonathon....the only reason for this was i reckon J had more technicals in check than Thomas, i realy think both of you should try harder next week though na mean.

[Nahlidge]

Vote - Jonathon

Cool way to approach the topic. Thought you did nice writin` from the dudes perspective. Read pretty smooth. Thomas had a borin` piece for me. It was short. Yet I couldn`t get into it at all. It was just , plain so to speak. Nuthin` that could draw the reader in. Seemed like a generic tribute, hopin` that people would like it cuz it was about Ray. : /

[Messiah.]

Hmmm..not to fond of this battle, both of you seem as if you either didn't try or the topics weren't of your particualr taste idk.

^ Correct, I've signed out anyways man, got to much studying to do.

[Gabriel]

Jonathon
I liked it! Good perspective on the topic. The rhyming was good and consistent but seemed...well not basic but like 2 steps above average. I don't mean that in a bad way just it had few, if any, internal rhymes. Good work and the ending I really liked.

Thomas
Nice idea. It kinda hurts your piece that I loved the movie Ray. You glossed over alot but then again its a full lenght movie....hell a full lenght life. I'm not sure how far you thought this through cause it seemd like there wasnt a main point to this. Didnt show his fall/rise from drug use, his music achievments. It was like a readers digest version of a great work. Next time think more on the topic and really work on what part you want to shine. Less is more in this case.

Vote - Jonathon

[fastforwords]

Up over closed.

[Jon]

good battle..

[Tim]

Jonathon wins
Thomas signs out