User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 14 of 14

Thread: the lord moves in mysterious ways

  1. #1

    the lord moves in mysterious ways

    words, an expression of ones heart felt emotion
    sinking deep in depression as titanic did the ocean
    when she left my heart was frozen and broken
    better to have loved and lost, not what i'd have chosen
    young free and single yet the world seems daunting
    dont want to mingle as her face is still haunting
    the paths i have walked and the sights i have seen
    the laughs i've heard now drowned by her screems
    i plead for help and get only a faint reply
    when i realize its my echo i break down and cry
    my friends are distant not blessed with empathy
    my spirit beat down by the pain relentlessly
    i have a choice but down each road is death
    so the only choice is how i take my last breath
    do i end my grief with these drugs drink and a 9
    or find my belif and devote to the lord my time
    he didn't help my girl when she was in a situation
    turned his back when clearly evil she was facing
    so i drink the drink take the pills scream fuck religion
    if there is such thing i'l be another sheep missing
    i turn the gun pull the trigger and leave this world
    to be greated by an angel who... wait thats my girl.

  2. #2

  3. #3

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    3,288
    Battle Record
    28-5
    weedback..not bad.. could be doused with sum multies to liven it up
    internal rhymes was decent and flow was decent
    other rhymes was ok
    structure was ok.. not exactly artistic but ok
    decent drop all in all. just keep adding in more elements

    pz
    .................................................. ......................

  5. #5
    what are multis

  6. #6
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    England, Liverpool
    Posts
    5,123
    Battle Record
    8-1
    You need 2 links to 2 open mics you've left decent feedback on or this will be closed. Read the thread at the top of the forum if you don't know how. If you up this again without links it will be closed.

    SS League Record 31-8
    SS HW Champ
    14 x OM HoF



    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  7. #7
    Ip: Ee8f 5bf9

  8. #8

  9. #9

  10. #10
    wouldn't mind more than one piece of feedback

  11. #11
    Used to love H.E.R
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Age
    37
    Posts
    649
    Battle Record
    0-3
    A multi is a two word rhyme.

    suicide note, to a lied hope, who would ride coach,purified dope.


    This peice is good.

    Emotion is nice, structure is good, emotion is ok. You could tech it up a bit just to add more interest. Try writing story line peices then adding a twist at the end bro. A shock allways impresse's readers.

  12. #12
    the twist is how the lord does not help him get through. but when he ends it he is reunited with his girl, hence the lord moves in mysterious ways

  13. #13
    Khancepz Shunned1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    california
    Posts
    2,505
    Battle Record
    2-11
    this was an ok verse, u had some vocab, a little bit, but there was still some good vocab....it was a koo emotional piece, didn't get bored when readin it...an the flow was good....keep up the writin....
    Shunned since '01....

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  14. #14
    Banned Zone's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    SouthSide Queens
    Age
    34
    Posts
    255
    it was iight
    the flow was ok
    the vocab was good
    you had a nice struture
    the topic was iight
    good job homie8/10

Similar Threads

  1. "Mysterious Ways"
    By The Gwapfather in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: September 19th, 2011, 11:58 PM
  2. Mysterious Ways; God moves
    By Spoken in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: July 16th, 2007, 06:57 AM
  3. Mysterious ways; God moves
    By Spoken in forum Closed Poems
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: July 13th, 2007, 02:49 PM
  4. Mysterious Ways
    By Figure in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: November 24th, 2004, 12:01 AM
  5. [Mysterious Ways]
    By pot1ent in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: October 25th, 2003, 12:31 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •