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Thread: Independance

  1. #1
    PleDge
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    Independance

    For years they strived together to make a life for him
    A boy born into pesantry...but destined to be a prince
    Scrimped and saved for private schooling, taught him right from wrong
    but everytime he passed the public school...he knew thats where he belonged
    A songbird caught up in the reins of peer pressure..couldnt handle
    To his parents..there was no failing....an A minus was a scandle
    The grandparents lent theyre shoulder for the small boy
    when he snuck out to the partys they would be his decoy
    on his graduation day they both took him aside
    And handed him two tickets for the next out-of-state plane ride
    The parents were livid..and cut all ties with them
    but before they could object...the boy was on the train
    with a bag over his shoulder and a stranger by his side
    they noticed that he had infact..regained that precious smile

    After his long vacation, he came back to greet his parents
    to find that they disowned him too for being really careless
    for having fun and making friends..and sending them no postcard
    It seemed so heartless, a son aint something you can discard
    So round to his grandparents the boy did run
    They took him in, after all he was their only grandson
    but they could not support him through his college years
    so the boy was forced to work....and landed back into poverty

    But soon he found his way back up the ladder into management
    He had his own family..and taught them never to pass judgement
    and never to expect more from eachother than their best
    And claimed that if it wasnt for his parents...he would never have had success
    Then one day..out of sheer dumb luck..
    he was driving by an old folks home and decided to stop
    Walked inside the building...to see a fearful sight
    his mother and his father...in the middle of a fight
    she was calling him a bastard...and she was an ungratefull bitch
    it seemed that giving up their son...had hit a technical glitch
    No one to look after them....no one to take them in
    Almost for a minute.....he felt sorry for them
    But then it hit him.........what a coincidence
    cause the life that they denied him..ment now...THEY had no independence


  2. #2
    Key Tone
    Guest
    Beautyfull story telling the structure could be done lil betta, But imagery was nice i felt this piece depthness shown. Nice one damn 13th Amendment aint we dope...lol I think if u added some transitions it would make the flow smoother other than that it was on point

    Nice one Pledge

  3. #3
    PleDge
    Guest
    Lol....yeah......am sleep deprived...so yeah ill work on it and hit it back lol

  4. #4
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    You need to leave a link to a reply that you left on another open mic or this gets closed, Thanks.

  5. #5

  6. #6
    BEST topical writer... Endeva.'s Avatar
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    yeah.. i thought you did a decent job on this... liked the story telling.. the writers voice could be improved on a bit and some wording revised... maybe a bit long too.. but on the whole interesing read... sloppy scheme in places tho, knocking the flow.... but like i said intersting drop.... oh, but 13th amendment...lmfao.... wanna topical battle my crew????
    ... did you draw that sig... if ya did,, go to art school... lol
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  7. #7
    PleDge
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    if you wanna battle go into the forum...beleive me......it wont be an easy fight on our behalf

  8. #8
    .Angelic. shawty"B"'s Avatar
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    i like this 1...there was definate imagery and clear emotion in here.... i like how it came out but the only thing i can say to help you wit this 1 was if yah gunna rhyme thru out that entirety of tha poem read ti thru before ou post....

    "him
    prince

    train
    side
    smile

    years
    poverty

    luck
    stop

    in
    them"

    ^^thats all that caught my eye as could use some work utha wise this is a reely nice peice... and an enjoyable read...

    ............fav part..........

    A songbird caught up in the reins of peer pressure..couldnt handle
    To his parents..there was no failing....an A minus was a scandle
    The grandparents lent theyre shoulder for the small boy
    when he snuck out to the partys they would be his decoy
    on his graduation day they both took him aside
    And handed him two tickets for the next out-of-state plane ride

    keep droppin
    return tha favor

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  9. #9
    Fly in under the Radar. Tactixx's Avatar
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    I like the emotion of this peice and the relation to struggling over-enriched kids to be a part of the streets...i really like the concept...good job..deep emotion with nice vocab and a good story-teller...alot of realistic references and nice vocab..rhyme scheme was a tiny bit off at times but no big deal...it was the feel of this peice that was appealing and a very original concept....dont think Ive read anything like this before....nice job...keep at it...

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  10. #10
    PleDge
    Guest
    tanks for the imput..... its just when you write poetry or songs or whatnot..it all doesnt have to totally rhyme all the time... and it also depends which way you say it

  11. #11
    Newbie Bherserk's Avatar
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    I like this piece cuz it deal with daily struggles that people goes through, might be a lil bit too long, just my thoughts man. Other than that, keep it up.


    return the favor @ Furious Anger
    Last edited by Bherserk; April 9th, 2004 at 10:39 AM
    I Control My Own Destiny.


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