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Thread: How Long?

  1. #1
    is Power Nahlidge's Avatar
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    How Long?

    I don't expect to get many real replies back on this .. But if U do take the time to read it .. Thanks in advance .. One

    Tired to death, outta breath, severly in need of rest
    Doin' his best to show finesse, but massa isn't impressed
    Neglect, hate is his fate, while he prays to get a break
    To exit this state of carryin' weight, hopin' for a dinner plate
    Chicken, fried no baked, but he has to wait till it's time to quit
    Designed to make massa rich, and supress the lashings of his whip
    Losin' grip of his dreams, and it seems he'll never build
    But he will continue to ask ..
    "God how long till I can leave these weathered fields?"

    Stuck in a cell of livin' hell, trapped behind steel bars
    Unable to see real stars, yet able to bare real scars
    He deals cards, and seems to be fine, judgin' by his outline
    But on the in lookin' outside, he hates when they scream "Chow time!"
    In his mind he keeps stories 'bout the lives of his dead ancestors
    There was Grandpa George, Mammy Esther and their white oppresors
    "10 minutes to shower and dress up!" He wishes they'd leave 'em be
    But for now he depends on prayers and dreams ..
    "God how long until Im free?"

    Screamin', cursin' demons along with her man's semen
    Leanin' away from the hurt, and more toward the dreamin'
    Deep breathin, tryna be strong, yet still swingin' her arms
    Sweaty palms, didn't know it took all this hurt to be a mom
    Doctors tellin' her to stay calm, not to fight, she'll be alright
    Fists clenched tight, from the contractions witnessed thru the night
    No baby yet in sight, brain too inflamed to recall the name
    Eyes closed prayin', "God how long shall I bare this pain?"

    Thunderin' clouds swarm around, while he stands atop the gold brick ground
    From a distance U can hear the sounds, of angels yelling in a crowd ..
    Of heavenly beings, a castle with arched doors lies at the end of the road
    Far from any opera show, the struggles of Jesus Christ are told ..


    Headache from all the voices, choices, and unscheduled appointments
    Angry cuz his annointment makes ignorin' them more than pointless
    Cries to redeem them of pain, other's pleadin' for freedom
    Only choosing to believe him in the times that they need him
    He's still bleedin' from the nails, and his death failed to prevail
    Cuz they're still sinnin', grinnin' while sippin' on mugs of ale
    Aiming for hell and laughing, while the thorned crown has him gasping
    Close to passing - out, prayin' .. "Father how long until they stop asking?"

    A.i

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  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! MC FEET's Avatar
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    hey sup

    This was a good drop, i can i felt this.
    was a good flow, and very good use of words and it was consistent all the way through.

    good stuff

    i put up a song earlier today, could do with sum opinions, if u couls plz, laterzzz

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=112106

  3. #3
    undone Bruklor's Avatar
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    Mentill...that was fucking awesome.
    I've always thought you were pretty good, and all the stuff I've read of yours has been pretty good. This was fucking awesome.

    Excellent piece. All over, the flow, it just kept up, and it wasn't even like you were trying to make it flow...it just did.

    Apart from the ending, which was outstanding by the way, this part was great:
    Quote Originally Posted by MeNTiLL
    Thunderin' clouds swarm around, while he stands atop the gold brick ground
    From a distance U can hear the sounds, of angels yelling in a crowd ..
    Of heavenly beings, a castle with arched doors lies at the end of the road
    Far from any opera show, the struggles of Jesus Christ are told ..
    Fucking Great Piece Mentill.

    Legends!
    m
    ˈpɛr ˈse


    –noun

    by, of, for, or in itself; intrinsically.

  4. #4
    is Power Nahlidge's Avatar
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    Thanks Bruk .. The feedbacks definitely appreciated .. Im juss pissed that this is gettin' slept on .. Uppin' for some more feedback .. One

    A.i

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  5. #5
    I Am The Light deacon's Avatar
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    mENTILL I SEE YOUR PROGRESSING IN YOUR WRITING DAILY..I LIKED this piece alot kinda showed the truth in history from the inside not just looking out...The ending was cool because it shows how Jesus Christ went through similar persicution as a man.I always think why would he give his life for me...nothing i've done in the past is deserving of such a gift...and sadly we continue to sin and hate...Im glad you wrote this because the lack of feeling and perception this site has is really sad and at times makes me want to stop the keys from moving...The imagery of the slavery and wheat fields was awesome...just over all a nice piece...great job
    softfocus



    while you write to rapbattles I perform on stage

    How's it feel to lack in comparison?............

  6. #6
    Pot 'Ed pot1ent's Avatar
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    Yeah, Bruk said what was needed to be said, I can't really add ontop of the other comments already given, apart from I was really feeling the imagery and the way you neared the reader into the scene, it was a very well crafted piece, one of the better writers on rb for definite.

    Pz man
    Pot` Ed.

    I dropped to show RM what hot was;
    And this faggot got Butterflies in his stomach the size of Mothra

    Your text is just another weak display
    One fist to your eye'll make it go through that black album remix phase. - Saviour Arraign

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  7. #7
    I sing the body electric. Maven.'s Avatar
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    LMAO at jesus getting headaches from hearing us bitch all the time.
    Words cannot describe how muhc I love that concept.
    you had decent imagery, and a strong writer's voice. I could feel the emotion coming from each person, which is dope, because each person wasn't you. it's difficult to write about the pain of others.
    There were flow issues here and there, it was a bit choppy during jesus's intro, but other than that, twas dope.
    Niceness Mentill.
    wordperfect?
    ..o0Pure0o..

  8. #8
    The R in RB.Com
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    damnit...your getting too good...now your only 50x times better than me

    GREAT drop here buddy, sorry i dont have much to say about it cause i dont have too much time on my hands

    like mentioned before, everything was well done...not noticible flaws

    GREAT JOB KID

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  9. #9
    I found a prefix!!!! f-gee's Avatar
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    best ive seen from you in awhile man
    good shit
    flowed well for the most part..
    but thats not really relevant..
    the story was the highlight .and how you broke it up into sections and different people and then the end which came round to jesus who is in the exact same postion as them
    very original in that aspect
    dope
    hit mine if u got time
    You need Ghost Dog in your DVD collection


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    it's a bold statement - the new youtube

  10. #10
    is Power Nahlidge's Avatar
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    Thanks for the replies peeps .. They are appreciated greatly .. One

    A.i

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  11. #11
    beyond dope.
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    This was very ill, .. word up,.. =) .. really good content, & some nice vocab, flowed correctly, really enjoyed this man, ..specially the ending, very good way to close up a writtin, props =)

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    - Artificial Intelligence

  12. #12
    ToTheTop Steven William's Avatar
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    MentIll this wus Ment-tobe Ill lol...
    anyway yo this wus a dope piece flowed nicely
    and the imagery was awsome felt it all the way...
    great use of multis and vocab in this piece,
    this was really good i Envy you...
    overall I think this is one of the best OM's Ive seen
    besides penskillz' OMs your there with him on this one...
    Pz... o yeah Hit up my OM's Satan's Contract and my newest No Luck I... ThanX...
    _-SyaNidal-_...O-U-T out...
    ScytsoPhrenia
    CrazyDope

    Put down the pebbles in my hand, climbed a ladder, put a brick right through your window.
    "You're gonna hear me out." Yeah, hear me out on this!

  13. #13
    Banned Penskills's Avatar
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    I told this to The Realist before and I'll say it again! you are Dope! no clue why your stuff be gettting slept on!

  14. #14
    is Power Nahlidge's Avatar
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    ^Thanks .. Good looks Sya and Edi

    A.i

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  15. #15
    is Power Nahlidge's Avatar
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    Last time .. Last time .. Imma greedy bastard .. One

    A.i

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