A Place Of Our Own

I've been a lot of places across this small world of ours
I've been a top rocky mountains basking in sun showers
I've often smelt ocean breezes from under shinning towers
I've also smelt the aroma of dew rising off desert flowers
Still I have yet to find my love a place that’s truly ours

We've lived a couple places, danced on hard wood floors
Shared the same view together and opened hidden doors
Joyfully shared presents from each others favorite stores
Carry the tears and fears of children when the wind roars
But never have we shared together a place that’s truly ours

I gave myself and helping hands, she gave me a new start
I make her grounds firm to stand because she is my heart
I changed my ways and made bouquets if we were apart
Pulled herself in my arms not saying my dinner was tart
All this, and my mind and heart wasn’t yet a work of art

My mind would follow my eye not giving a second thought
It wasn’t right watching it all on T.V. I had been caught!
I didn’t want to hurt her unknowing I thought it should not
I lost some value in her thinking then, That truly hurt a lot
She no longer felt like everything, story almost lost its plot

I had never had a thought of touching what I was seeing
Neglecting our love with wondering eyes is really cheating
My mind and soul lost touch with a heart of understanding
With out my Kimberly singing all the bells stopped ringing
Now, we share our place because we share in all its meaning

I am still a noob so I dont feel comfortable giving advice to those with obvious talent. If I like it Im almost worried to say bc I dont want to be one of those ppl that just say. I hope I can pick this up and run bc I admire many of you.I will take all critisizms bc I truly want to be a competative writer of rap and poetry.

First thing I notice reading this, the first four lines all begin with "I've", I know it is describing past self experiences, but I think there could be another, more creative way, in beginning to describe said experiences.

I very much like the scheme of the first two stanza's, specifically the last lines.
"Still I have yet to find my love a place that’s truly ours"
and
"But never have we shared together a place that’s truly ours"

The vocabulary is very simple, but does nothing to negate the feeling of the piece, so it is fine.

RRhymz nice to know. So I have some flow but simpleton easy in the delivery. Hmm somethin prego women would be jelous of

feedback is wanted

Ok...first I'v Like Rrhymes Said is Played Out try to..Use diffrentwords, And another thing that is Good, you should Put Better vocb.into it to keep reader's interested,i dont in Poems But...still good to do,Flow was good when i rapped it in my Head and All good Multis, and All i will give it a 6.5/10 Good job all in all

Feedback Please: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....html?t=427975

thanks Dude