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Our clothes cascade upon grass blades,
Your devil beckons; crawl into the woods
Where the beast can ravage
Your veil of ivory purity.
I want to strip you to the bone
In this forest of broken churches;
Draped under the blanket
Of liquid ecstasy, as crimson drips
From our sin-bathed tongues.
Let the scarlet rain paint your curves
With a brush-stroked kiss;
Soak, your innocent speech
In the red wine haze to lose
Yourself in the taste,
Of a serpent’s bliss.
I'm on my phone so I can't break this down like I normally would... But this is gorgeous... Every single word is necessary... Every single word fits... Nothing feels oh of place and it reminds me of your 16th and 17th century poets like John Donne. The sinful sexual theme is so perfectly written this wouldn't be out of place in a 17th century poetry anthology... I'm majorly impressed by this. One of the best things I've read since I came back to the site.
I just read this again, and now i'm not on my phone, and I love it so much I want to give better feedback.
Our clothes cascade upon grass blades,
Your devil beckons; crawl into the woods
Where the beast can ravage
Your veil of ivory purity.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with these lines. Everything is inch perfect. The alliteration in clothes cascade.. the use of the word cascade in general. The internal rhyming in cascade and grass blades. Everything in these 4 lines is perfection. These 4 lines could be a poem in themselves. You have a completed poem already, and that's incredible.
I want to strip you to the bone
In this forest of broken churches;
Draped under the blanket
Of liquid ecstasy, as crimson drips
From our sin-bathed tongues.
Again, amazing section. "I want to strip you to the bone" is such a crazy image to wrap my head around but it really highlights the primitive nature of sex... it's a fantastic line and I love it. The forest of broken churches emphasizes the idea of the forbidden, of sin. Again every part of this section is perfect, and again, this section could be a poem in itself.
Let the scarlet rain paint your curves
With a brush-stroked kiss;
Soak, your innocent speech
In the red wine haze to lose
Yourself in the taste,
Of a serpent’s bliss.
Stop writing this way. You're making me sound all gushy. Every word is so expertly placed. I rarely write pieces like this because people like you come along and make my attempts look futile. That's why I tend to stick to the more simple style. (Unless it's Haiku, I can do it for 3 lines but not for a full piece)
I absolutely love the wy Kiss/serpent's bliss rhyme to finish off this piece. And you know what i'm about to say... Yes, this section could again be a poem in itself. I really hope you get the HoF for this, it will be a travesty if you don't
@TheIllyricist
Nice title here The Illyricist. It fits the piece so well.
Our clothes cascade upon grass blades,
Your devil beckons; crawl into the woods
Where the beast can ravage
Your veil of ivory purity. Stunning use of language here TheIllyricist. Almost a persuasal of sorts beckoning promised adoration.
It fills me with intrigue, and if it were me you were talking to, I'd be swayed. The appeal is in the charm of atmosphere you've created by
the passion and mystique in this tale. The use of hard words like 'blades, crawl, beast' work well with oppositional wording like 'cascade, veil, ivory purity'.
The mix of those types of words do wonders for an exotic excitement that tethers on the edge of a blade.
I want to strip you to the bone
In this forest of broken churches;What an amazing metaphor. Forest of broken churches is magnificent. And 'I want to strip you to the bone' is harsh and in your face, blatant and obvious. To mesh these two together was clever and appealing to the reader, educing a fascination with flirtation of words.
Draped under the blanket
Of liquid ecstasy, as crimson drips
From our sin-bathed tongues. Is it cigarette time yet? Nearly. Phew. Ok. I like the uniform patter of thought you've been able to keep. Not only a wonderful pace that helps the mood, but a tone that says it all. A tone full of conviction backed by assuring stance.
Let the scarlet rain paint your curves So much description in just one line. That's intelligent writing.
With a brush-stroked kiss; Nice.
Soak, your innocent speech This is probably one of my favourite lines. It just falls so well in it's organic way.
In the red wine haze to lose
Yourself in the taste, Yesssss, score! lol. Stunning. I love it.
Of a serpent’s bliss. Greet outro. Short and sweet but definitely hit the spot lol.
The sweet animalistic nature of this poem of devotion and intimacy is a love story which lets one's imagination run away and
float in a space and time that is pure bliss.
Lovely work here TheIllyricist.
Great Read.
Thank you.