"Speak"

"Speak"
When uneducated
we teach
that life is more than
a simple sense of attraction
see,
waiting; fray our need
to exploringly grow and live
indepth a world of impurity.
The law in me is calling me,
"Speak"
For like the anxious and dying,
who at night feel a new
colour; a light hue ringing
through the eyes - once
bright blue. With shivering hopes
supporting withering warmth, slowly
singing quiet and quivering truths.
The law in me is calling me,
"Speak"
No. Withold yourself,
without reason other than simple
logic, it pains to watch time pass
before you make a change...
Quite ironic?
Life stares you radiant, in the face
your short ranged
glares matching her
heartrate:
Beat to the beat
to the beat,
Beautifully synchronic
But wait...
The law in me, is calling me.

"Speak"


Speak this piece rather than read it, use the punctuation and listen to the words rather than see them. It's in the name really, Poeta's fault.
Links coming within 24.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...81#post6341181

If you didn't tell me to 'Speak' this, I would have complained about the awkward line breaking lawlz. But anyway... This really was a beautiful piece, that I really enjoyed "Speak"ing. Wording was the key feature of this poem, made the piece, you knew exactly where to put the words and the effects tat they'd have. HOWEVER, unless proven wrong, I believe exploringly is not a word lol... There were hints of rhyming going on through the piece, and this just added to the whole ease of the piece or what have you... The nice wording carries on to make the whole imagery seem real vivid for the reader, and it's the type of imagery I can appreciate imagining.

Anyway, like I said earlier, I think the line breaks are a bit much... They always seemed too abrupt.

Bah wtf...

Sorry about my poor feed lol, I can't find the right words to say at the moment...

Quote:

---

fray our need
to exploringly grow and live
indepth a world of impurity.

---

The alteration (*Yeah it's a word, I guess it'd be classed as an adverb) is intentional, you might be able to spot it upon another read in the context of the clause. I agree it was pretty shit, and I know was a weak move but it made me feel better about the stanza in the sense of how the metaphor was structured. I know it's never healthy to say 'well I understand so fukkawf', but it's kind of to show myself that i'm growing to appreciate the target of the writing (objectively at least) and I really didn't expect it to be picked up, so congrats lol.
I presumed nobody would spot it but never-the-less I appreciate the knowledge man, thanks for the feed.

That probably didn't make sense, drunk as hell right now so I'll return it tomorrow when I get chance, promise.

I'm impressed with this piece - at the least. How you wrote this piece of writing was very interesting and you ultimately capitalized on what you were trying to say. I believe the simple fact that you told the reader to read it out loud made this piece more realistic, and really helped the reader jump into the piece and actually delve into the plot of the poem. Also, I'd like to apologize if my literary mechanics are confusing to you, I'm feeling a little jumpy with words at the moment, but seeing as I promised you feed, I figured I should at least return the favor, especially after putting it off for night after night. Anyway, enough of my non-sensible ramblings, seeing as it obviously does you know good - just thought I'd give you an explanation. Anyway, back to the piece. I'm awe struck by the overall language and structure that you used, however, like lecomp, I believe if this wasn't read out-loud, you would have failed tremendously in those departments - for the sheer fact that you did mention it, it doesn't matter in the least. I just thought I would throw that in there to show how much you actually dominated in a sense of awkard struture, to me. The tangibilities of this poem were impressive, however they seemed slightly veiled to me, which made this piece feel abstract and metaphorical. To be honest, it actually took me awhile to catch the drift of this poem. Lol, it's sad but true. I found a few figures of speech that I enjoyed aswell. Overall, I'm very impressed with this piece. I'm sorry that my feed is so shitty and jumps all over the place like a frog. I'm sort of stressed out at the moment but I did finally force some feedback. So hopefully it's enough to satisfy you - no dagel. Lmao, anyway, holler at me about some help on the up-coming PS mag, i'm at your disposal - no dagel. That's it though man, im done with this crap, peace.

Yeah, nice piece man. I personally prefered readint his piece in my head, as it didn't really break the flow of the piece or the internal structure personally. I didn't find it awkward. The meaning behind the piece was cool, although maybe a little too distant in places, where you really had think what the hell you were going on about! But it wasn't an issue, i enjoy having to think a little deeper than maybe the piece would appear. For instance your last one i got it wrong because i was looking for a deeper meaning, but this one seemed quite the opposite. I seems you took a different angle to your usual style, but to be honest i think you wrote better when you write simple, that's just how you get your message across to me really. Where as other poets are better at the complexity side of a piece. But i did actually enjoy this piece, and i have read it a few times now. I loved the part beat to the beat, to the beat... as i just imagined the third to the beat as an echo which to me really set a nice picture. Very nice.