Rev:
Quote:
..In a scale of disarray, weighs our Cerebral composure,
If life is truly a bitch, she reeks in debt whomever Odor
^I think the second line could use some sort of punctuation between the words 'whomever' and 'Odor', but even still, the phrasing is a bit strange to me.
Quote:
Add salt to the wound, yet battered skins to an frail ingredient,
Such a lie, if I squeeze reality will a trail saturate via bleeding it?
^Again, I am struggling with the grammatics. For instance, the flow of second line is hindered by the inclusion of the word 'to'; there is also no practical use for its inclusion as well. Also, grammatically speaking the following word 'an' should actually be 'a'; and again, it service no practical use and complicates the flow and overall articulation of your statement's meaning. The proceeding lines could also be
re-worded to make their intentions more clear.
Quote:
We're FED the propaganda, eating warrants onto subpoena plates,
As we walk by faith, till our entrails' slant width to eviscerate,
Pissed stains ricochet, into a compilation of corridors,
With humanity seeming lifeless, as if Entities dwell Aura spores,
^ Although, I'm still finding mechanical things to gripe about, I will say this...in this area of text your wordplay is becoming more obvious and intriguing. Another thing that I noticed in the above line is the unifying theme of dilapidation and decay creating a tie between your words and the chosen topic.
Quote:
Fragments based our Imagination, to resuscitate hypothetically,
Speaking if our government were components, may eradicate its Chemistry,
Nervousness starts to kick-in, like pregnancy during ultrasound,
For criticism invokes the Stereotype, of Mavis Beacon immersive Surround
^ "Mavis Beacon"? I'm not sure who that is, but I'll look it up to truly understand the concept of that line. However, switching gears to a mechanical POV ... I have to give you props on the lines quoted above. At this point your verse is starting to pick up some steam. There is rhythm and fluency to your words now ; this allows me as a reader to absorb your message while also enjoying your technique.
Quote:
Says freedom of speech, muffles tyranny behind Caution tape,
With Forced entries, like paraphrasing about Statutory Rape,
Salt and pepper is our antioxidants, being showered by their cancerous,
So hazardous, living a multiple choice; all of above whom shall Answer this?
^ One suggestion: perhap consider replacing the word 'cancerous' with the word 'carcinogen' ... to me it conveys the same meaning, but grammatically it fits better (IMO). However, I suppose I can see why you went the route you did (it works as well). On another note tho, this entire excerpt was pretty dope. The flow here is solid and the wordplay is compelling. Also, the message is supported a great deal by the imagery you created. As a whole this part had that hard hitting poetic banter I come to respect and appreciate about your work. In other words it's the sort of shit I like to read. Good job here.
Quote:
As told? We're full of the BULL passed consumption lies energy drinks,
And when I think, society is well done, yet the nucleus is shown being Pink,
Now hanging by a thread, the cost of repair or let the worm be it's foes,
For each path begins to feel wilderness, having un-greased cornrows
^This part seem to be a step backwards when compared to the last two quotes. Although, I did appreciate the red bull/BS double entendre. And the nucleus line was a nice touch, but the wilderness/cornrolls bit is a little underwhelming. I think the concept could be reworked. The phrasing seems off.
Quote:
A slideshow with such amuse, confines hierarchy to Fade nations,
Inflation! if continued traits, summoning a cesspool into dilapidation...
^ Hmmm...I'm not mad at that at all. Nice way to close this thing out. It's like a summation of the entire verse and it unifies the topic and content. It was pretty crisp.
Overall: Obviously the first half didn't start out with a bang and there were grammar issues throughout that stagnated the read. On the other hand there were parts I really liked. You had areas with solid flow and clever plays. You also had an informative and relevant message that encompassed the entire read. I like your style. It's direct, honest, and unapoligetic. Most importantly, it's meaningful. Improvements are need but overall it was a nice verse.
L.E.
To begin...Great topic. I love the picture and the title is dope. Ok. here we go...
Quote:
Shadows of mind...Deep, but curse them all to the gallows of time!
Forward is my current, surely as the ripples and shallows entwine
^Cool flow. Decent imagery, actually, there wasn't much imagery at all. Just a very abstract and poetic intro. Not bad tho.
Quote:
Hallowed design: my ship causing rifts, shifts, and fallacies smit!
Spherical, blur in the night, dispersion of light as the galaxies split.
No blasphemy, tricks, or chemical propulsion haphazardly mixed,
Escaping the home planet, only known as where the tragedy sits...
...No! NO more thoughts of the spot and the BASTARD and kids!
The disaster would have been faster, he should thank his ASS that he lives
^I'm not all the way catching the imagery. It's kind of coming in spurts, which is cool with me, because I'm really enjoying the way you've weaved your flow together in a tapestry like scheme anyway. In fact, if this verse was more of a statement type piece, instead of a direct story based theme I wouldn't be hounding you so much about the "imagery". Still tho, as it stands, I am able to visualize a sufficient amount of the content to follow the story. So props.
Quote:
A flashing light, against the white it is bright: "Madam, I watch your temperature rise."
A dribble of sweat from my eyes, and it floats through the ship to the vents in the plies.
"I suggest you get some rest," the gentle voice of the computer continues,
My eyelids are shut. "For your mission, you will need all the strength that is in you."
The ship flutters through voids...energetic combustion was like thunder deployed.
But no sleep would find my limbs, as memory found what had left my brother destroyed.
Shattered and battered, the demons of the planet and the havoc they wreak...
...Damaged and weak, but soon it will be fixed when I found the planet I seek!
^ BOOM! Now that's what I'm talking about. Dope flow, sick scheme, and cinematic imagery with a little touch of perspective to add flesh to the character. This segment was thoroughly enjoyed.
Quote:
A flashing light, against the white it is bright: "Madam, I watch your temperature rise."
A dribble of sweat from my eyes, and it floats through the ship to the vents in the plies.
"I suggest you get some rest," the gentle voice of the computer continues,
My eyelids are shut. "For your mission, you will need all the strength that is in you."
The ship flutters through voids...energetic combustion was like thunder deployed.
But no sleep would find my limbs, as memory found what had left my brother destroyed.
Shattered and battered, the demons of the planet and the havoc they wreak...
...Damaged and weak, but soon it will be fixed when I found the planet I seek!
^ Wait I'm not getting a definitive answer on who this "bastard" actually is. It's not her brother, right? I'm confused. OAN: the flow was great. The imagery was vivid. I could see thru the eyes of the protagonist...so as Emily often says, you put me there. Front row seat. Another dope excerpt.
Quote:
Descent into skies! Cloaked, it would be a subtle approach,
Surely they would recognize a friendly if the subject was close!
I land in an opening, as I cover my face with a mask,
Vacate from my craft, stand, in yellow blades of the grass.
I raise my helmet as I see red and blue lights approaching me fast!
They must bring a coach, as the black vehicles are closing the gaps!
But something is wrong...they surround me, countless people in fives...
Weapons drawn...as they open fire, I see the same evil from his eyes...
^ Who's eyes? The cop or COPS as in more than one person or the bastard's eyes? LOL...don't mind me. I could nit-pick the grammar, but fuck it, because at the end of The day the shit was dope. I like how much of it seems to be thought out and how that thoughtfulness brings the scenario into a plausible reality.
Quote:
The betrayal complete...my body falls from the human rifles exposed!
The cycle had been fulfilled, as I know now it is from their likeliness we had rose...
^ You lost me there. I'm still confused as to who the villain was. Who is this 'bastard'? I need to know...fuck! Lol. Anyway, I'm guessing you're trying to say humans are some how responsible for all the inherit evil in the galaxy??? I'm just guessing...tho...I'm sure that's not what you are implying? Or maybe you are saying police are? If so I do agree. Lol
Overall: This was a great read. It played out like a movie. Perhaps not perfect (the villain?). The beginning was okay, but as I read-on the pace and the vividness increased and created an incredibly thrilling read. Dope drop.
Vote: L.E.
This was a nice battle. Rev had a great message and solid wordplay, but ultimately suffered due to grammatical issues. Whereas L.E.'s verse was pure excitement on a Hollywood scale. Either way both of you guys did your thing. Good shit!
Peace...