http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html
Rules and Regulations. Drop by Saturday, Vote by Monday.
Printable View
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html
Rules and Regulations. Drop by Saturday, Vote by Monday.
check
I sit in this living room, surrounded by beer cans and broken glass
As the moon rises over me, how did this shit come to pass?
Things unfolded like rusty doors opening, change falling from
pockets, and I felt my brain compress as I saw that you were calling.
I knew right away, as my heart skipped not one, but several,
that you had figured everything out, but the absolute worst of all,
was that I never had the chance to warn, to admit, to change your mind.
You were told from outside sources, and got blindsided.
Of course we yelled, I was telling you this and that, how it wasn't like that,
how I wasn't a rat, a weasel, a dog, a child, a coward, a sniveling brat.
Things just turned, time just passed, at last I spontaneously imploded,
my brain, which I pride myself so fiercely on, covered in mold contageously.
If I was religious, which I ain't, I would look up at the clouds, throw my fist skyward
I would let my face screw up, windswept, yell, and call God a fucking liar, or a cheat.
Now, I'm sleeping on a leather couch, friends vouching for me, jobless,
drinking every day, smoking a pack a day, I am stressed, is this what's best
for me? Of course not, so I send her letters, e-mails, try getting through on the phone.
So alone, prone position, sweat glistening on my back and face. A disgraceful person.
And my conditioning is worsening.
For every dead beat dad
There's a little boy or girl out there very very sad
And a single mom playing both roles, tryna do her job right
Home alone worried sick while her kids are out all night
You might be one of those kids, under a bridge
Smoking dust, doin' 'cid or whatever poison
you're comfortable with, your stomach grumbles as if
You were homeless, but your home is just from shuttle to crib
but no.. you're using that shovel to kill, that shovel to dig
On the double, addicted to the trunks in the jungle of bliss
Comin' home drunk, you give your pissed mother a kiss
and in return get punched with a fist
Concerned with a love-life that leaves you bored dead
You see the shadows of sexually frustrated mischief makes
with L's on their foreheads... So you inserted your penis
through the glory hole, unbeknownst to what you got yourself into
All you have now is a box of tissues
and you can't melt issues in hell's igloo
How about you spread a message using that hollow bottle with you
Let it float to whom it may concern hoping God forgives you...
ALL HAIL THE FORGOTTEN MISUSED
I'm the poison apple dangling from the family tree
that the rankling axeman consumed whilst dismantling,
I stand alone, vice grip on the rope as the anchorman
A slight slip might invoke the damaged man
that dwells in my strength, a heaven sent, hellbent aura
Dodged... booby traps like Laura Croft
A tree-house in the projects sounds too chimerical
But it makes a significant parable, this paroxysm is terrible
And what about this debauchery? it's contagious...
and goes from one to the other like from masturbate to cum
We're outnumbered by the tasteless masticated gum
These savages use their privates like blades and guns
Then they wonder why they're insanely young and have to raise a son
I regret to inform you that your party days are done
Your lethargic ways have come to a climactic end
Stay tuned for the bloopers after the credits
It's not a hangover, it's an "I have a low battery headache"
I get it from fashionably active Catholics who have their chaplets embellished
and superficially pray for fame, fortune, and fornication
Beware the bored impatient, with vacant skulls living by morbid coordination
I might sound like i'm rambling,
but i can't help that i'm cluster-fucked by thoughts that drown
in my brain waves, so i...
JOT SHIT DOWN.
macabre - i wasnt sure if this was just you venting about some real life shit or a perspective you took for the verse. prolly cause of the lack of title or any implication of any 'topic'
you have a real free form type of style.. more prose-ish than most in the league.. obviously more emphasized on saying what you wanna say than anything. there was less emphasis on structure and rhyme than most as well but they were really just more subtle i think. definitely a depressing picture you painted man. the way you conveyed your situation was really matter-of-fact, and that was really kind of a strength and a weakness for you imo. some of this just read sort of .. blandly. i mean i could also relate to certain parts of this .. so it's not something i could say i didn't enjoy. it was different than what im used to reading and it was refreshing actually. you had some sick segments in this, i just wish you took more creative liberties in your writing.
shape -
honestly bro .. im glad you wrote that at the end of your verse cause otherwise i was gonna call you on rambling like a mufucka. lol but this was cool - interesting, saddening and a little bi-polar at times really.. it kinda lagged a bit during the first bit of your second stanza .. idk you went somewhere with it that didnt really fit in with the rest imo .. it went first person all of a sudden and then you continue the first person pretty much til the end. so it was kind of a complete switch-up and it became more personal and relating yourself to the kind of lifestyle you described in the first portion. i mean besides for a few spots that were off-target i thought this was pretty well done .. held my attention even though it was longer which is gettin harder these days..Quote:
I might sound like i'm rambling,
but i can't help that i'm cluster-fucked by thoughts that drown
in my brain waves, so i...
JOT SHIT DOWN.
v/shape
yup
keep doin it guys.
Mac: More of a PS type piece than a SS one....anyhow, it was very loose....more like a vent or something....I thought it was okay but became lost looking for a rhymescheme...I think this would need brush-ups to fit more into an SS type piece...though what I think is obviously personal opinion.
Shape: This seemed like you started one thing and ended with another. It had some parts which seemed okay but others were interesting...I found it grasped my attention long enough but still would have liked you removing some of the lines ...quality over quantity and all that jazz.
\/ Shape.
Macabre: I liked your piece despite it lacked stucture and a rhyme scheme, i felt the emotion and thought if you would have to your time to write it, it would have came out really well... Take your time next time, because the topic you had would of been a good one..
Shapless: I agree, if you didnt put that last line:
I would of pointed it out, you had no real topic, you went back and forth, and somewhere else for a moment and i don't know, next time chose a topic and stick with it, i liked your rhyme scheme, you had a good flow it seemed like, just didn't have me as entertained as Mac's did.Quote:
I might sound like i'm rambling,
but i can't help that i'm cluster-fucked by thoughts that drown
in my brain waves, so i...
JOT SHIT DOWN.
Therefor.... im going to chose Mac, even though his flow was off and all i though he not only stayed on topic but had a topic and wrote it with some good emotion, but like i said next time try harder.
V.Macabre
Mac - Bro this was dope. Just like, the moment when you get a call you don't wanna get, it's your girl....you have that 'brain compress line'..That was sick. The thing Is, you didn't really have a topical, SS vibe to it, it was more poetic and I was unhappy to see that the lines didn't really rhyme as much..or really at all fluently like we're all used to..But the subject matter and new persepctive it brought was on some next gen, that's the realm I try to write in, solid verse. Next week maybe you could incorperate this style into something more, 12 sylables per line/fluent with a developed closing-type verse.
Shapeless - The first thing I noticed was that this developed a little better than Mac's story, it had more a linear process to it. But I felt it lacked soul...heart. It just seemed like nitty gritty fucked up life shit...like rambling...but I guess you kinda drew it all together at the end. Although, I wasn't satisfied with the excuse of, 'the entire verse was rambling because I JOT things down.' bit...I feel like, you're kinda shaking some rust off you said you are returning right? I think you needed to get back into the motion of things with this verse, I can tell you have potential to tell some good stories with meaning behind them..I feel like we can expect alot more from you in the future..
This Week, My V/ is Mac
Macabre-I think my favorite piece i've seen so far from you man.
This shit was cool.
As always, a poetic feel, which is okay in this instance.
Some cool bars/lines man..
Some bars not rhyming kinda killed the vibe...Quote:
Of course we yelled, I was telling you this and that, how it wasn't like that,
how I wasn't a rat, a weasel, a dog, a child, a coward, a sniveling brat.
The end part, I wasn't really into though.
Started off nice and strong, (thats what she said).
Ending was a little so-so for me.
Imagery was cool, vocab was enough, flow was alright.
Cool piece Mac.
Shapeless-This was...okay.
Didn't like the first bar at all...
Off topic at times.
Started off cool.
Really liked this bar though.
Then it kinda went downhill in my opinion.Quote:
You might be one of those kids, under a bridge
Smoking dust, doin' 'cid or whatever poison
Everything is almost there.
Just need to sharpen some things up.
Stay on topic, concept...
Vocab was good.
Overall, this was decent...
My vote is going to Mac for a more enjoyable read.
mac- I've said it before i've always liked your freewrite method, it carries many of your emotional concepts to the surface and makes them shine through. I liked how the vibe was wreaking of havoc and a crumbling life that emerged from a brakeup. your imagery in the end was nicely done, you have more potential than most writers, i feel.. and I think you have your rhythm set and It's like i could see where a rhymescheme would run, you just need to structure one out even though you may feel it limits your message. you got to try to use it as another tool of strengthening it. still interesting drop..
shapeless- lol at this being another piece surrounded in the hellsakes of our everyday lives, the mishap situations were well worded, but I have to say some issues seemed trite and already expanded versions of verses themselves. but you had a pretty nice rhyme scheme that were running a good amount of multis. there were some pretty dope quotables too, but most the time it isn't a good thing to have quotes because it points to inconsistency. I'd say that if your topic was JOT SHIT DOWN, you definitely hit it on the money though. I felt like you were inconsistent here, the first verse had a more finished feel than the second but both written well..
felt like mac had stronger emotions and easier wording but lacked a scheme, and shape had a pretty nice scheme and clean connection, but lacked the same consistency in his concept. its a tough call but i'd give it to
v/shapeless
Mac: This verse was ripe with emotion and imagery...almost to the point of decay...it is a fine line, brother. I feel a bit redundant when i critique your topical "verses" because i always find myself saying the same thing...and you know what it is. I do value your spoken word cadence/rhyme schemes believe it or not...I just feel like in order to be successful in this league, you have to conform just a bit more. Your imagery is already amazing and contextually appropriate...metaphors as well...you're quite the talented writer, perhaps you could just squeeze a lil more juice of concentration onto your rhyme schemes next week? for me? please? Because your content is there, even though the concept of post-breakup self loathing/misery is one that most of us can relate to, it flirts with boredom and commonality...so, a spicy rhyme scheme or two can definitely make a heartfelt piece like this shine instead of getting lost in the field of similar strands of grain.
Shapeless: Hmmmmm...I was expecting more this week for some reason. I really dug the freshness of your verse last week and I thought that there was an attractive quality to the rawness in which you portrayed your thoughts.........but this week, it just felt a bit haphazard and dismissive. I understand that you tried to tie your random contemplations together with the whole "I JOT SHIT DOWN" phrase......but that seemed to be a bit weak and an obvious cop out to me.
I'm not sure that I appreciated the shift in narrative voice between the first and second verse...it seemed disconnected and I didn't understand the point. However, I did think that you had some cool phrases/moments of imagery in your verse...and I liked the natural feeling multi's at the ends of your lines.
Conceptually...I feel like Mac's verse was more effective...however, when it comes down to the mechanics and level of difficulty of said mechanics, Shapeless takes the win. This is really close though...and I think that in the end, the vote comes down to which the reader found more valuable. In this instance, because Mac's concept was effective, yet relatively common....I have to give more value to Shape's lyrical execution. Close battle. Vote: Shape.
5-3.. Shapeless wins.