Simple Goodbye With A Simple Peice

I was never the one that was good at goodbyes,
Never saw eye to eye, a blank stare on standby,
Cause I never supplied the friendship you badly thrived,
Just neglected your feelings, till they turned to suicide,
Too shallow to search inside, the surface is where I hide,
my ego and pride combined, restricted me to cry,
you always smiled and advised, don’t keep tears confined,
but Jesus Christ, im surrounded by death and abused lives,
so how am I meant to get by, survive high on life,
when relatives and close friends demise within the night,
wanna rewrite my life, escape like the white knight,
comply with my thoughts, just ignite like dynamite,
Deaths got me excited, delighted to incite deaths mind,
Cause death cant be as painful as mankind’s design,
Where murders define lives, before illness arrives,
Just so sick of my heart broken, a product of walkin blind,
But you look so peaceful, so erase and say goodbye.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...er-374882.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ay-374880.html

uppin

yo man, this wasnt bad at all, a bit a short... but thats okay.... flow was real slick here, really easy to flow.... i think you could of made this longer, maybe add a character in it or something to make it more interesting with a twist, but this was good, vocab wasnt bad, could of been better but you had a good chosing of words..... I think you could have put more complicated multies... 2 words.... but you had good multible rhyme words.... 3-4 syllable which is good.... so good piece overal

Cheers man, keep the feed comin pls

Come on people please leave me some feed

i wasnt feeling this piece too many words rhyming off the same word too simplistic. the rhyme scheme kinda fell off due to rhyming the same word in the middle of the bar with the same word on the edge of the bar. you might wanna try using an original rhyme scheme with this would probably work out much better than this. you should take your time when writing man let your thoughts clear up before you typing. i dont mean to critisize but im only trying to be honest and help you out. this was choppy and just wouldn't sound right over any beat.

Man you should learn to read a peice properly and not just run through it, not tryin to start shit but i just dont agree with all of this:

"the rhyme scheme kinda fell off due to rhyming the same word in the middle of the bar with the same word on the edge of the bar. you might wanna try using an original rhyme scheme with this would probably work out much better than this. you should take your time when writing man let your thoughts clear up before you typing. i dont mean to critisize but im only trying to be honest and help you out. this was choppy and just wouldn't sound right over any beat. "

Thanks for the feedback i just dont agree

Come on people feed please